THANKS PAUL THIS MADE MY MORNIN<3

Ok im still buzzed from jenny's so I hope this is as entertaining for you to read as was for me to write!!! wowwowwowwow...

i just got back from the last Christmas of the 00s!!!! I'm sure by now you've heard of the highlights in the news such as the foiled terrorist plot in Detroit and the attack on the Pope during the Vatican's midnight mass (praise allah).

I decided to tell you all about Aunt Kathy tonight because as an a outsider, you possess an certain objectivity that I lack.

First of all I must get this out of the way, she is a stupid bitch and is now the queen, no wait the empress, of the assholes!!!!!

I decided to do unto her as I would not like her to do unto me. I did not hug her or wish her a merry christmas, but I made a big deal about doing it to everyone else. also I refused to talk to her unless she directly talked to me. and when I was talking to everyone, I specifically avoided eye contact with her.

She was sick and coughed on me i swear it, which is basically a declaration of biological warfare. Also, she kept rubbing in to Aunt Rosemary that Michelle is living with her and they are the best of friends (dont worry, Michelle herself was very well dressed tonight).

Then later that night I put my drink down, it was this fabulous wine that we absolutely must drink, next to Aunt troll Kathy and when I came back it was half empty. and then when i was talking to jenny about this new cher song-well, new to me-called All I Really Wanna Do, Aunt Igor Kathy said that she hates cher and that she's manly and classless (it takes one to know one). And you know, aunt poop kathy could use some of cher's plastic surgery so whatever!

I promised jenny and michael that I would just turn the other cheek like jesus-who-was-born-on-this-very-day because this is the first Chirstmas that they are hosting (I really feel in my gut that they will get a divorce).

So that was really put to the test when we were all looking at old pictures and my Aunt trashbag Kathy said that looking at old pictures of Jake and I are not the same as looking at old pictures of Jenny and Michelle (just so you know, I saw this wondrous picture of me in jenny's photo album-by far the best one yet-so I stole it. I think I deserve it, you know?)

Also at one point we were all talking about our pets and she mentioned her devil dog, sonny. a little while afterwards I mentioned that earlier today sammy landed all on some windex and I had to save him-oo stef let me tell you, it was touch and go for a minute there and i feared for sammy's poor little life because he refused to let me hold him under the kitchen faucet to wash the the windex off. how dare he I was trying to save his life?!-and my half Itlalian half bitch aunt said that she views birds as one step above rats. Ugh, as if! sammy is not even a rat, and he's much more classy than a pidgeon, which everybody knows is the rat of birds. I just told her that sammy is half the bird that she'll ever be just to keep things light but still!!!

Yet I have to say I was overjoyed when I overheard her tell jenny that she considers herself as the family nuisance. My dad got mad at me for feeling this way but whatever! if he disagrees then he can join his wretched sister-in-law in the asshole camp!

So basically I came to the conclusion that the best thing to do is forget about her as a human being

Oh and I know that it was nice that jenny gave you a gift and everything but seriously what the hell?? do not I deserve a gift as well...or two...or three? She totally knows me way longer!!!

Whoa there hey now

Oh my oh my oh my oh my

A cripple walks amongst you
All you tired human beings
He's got all the things a cripple has
Not working arms and legs
And vital parts fall from his system
And dissolve in Scottish rain
Vitally he doesn't miss them
He's too fucked up to care
Well, is that you in front of me?
Coming back for even more of exactly the same
You must be a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
On his last leg
Well, I crippled your heart a hundred times
And still can't work out why
You see, I've got this disease I can't shake
And I'm just rattling through life
Well, this is how we do things now
Yeah, this is how the modern stay scared
So I cut out all the good stuff
Yeah, I cut off my foot to spite my leg
Well, is that you in front of me?
Coming back for even more of exactly the same
You must be a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
Well, I am ill
But I'm not dead
And I don't know which of those I prefer
Because that limb which I have lost
Well, it was the only thing holding me up
Holding me up
Well, I'm lying on the ground now
Walking through the only door
Well, I have lost my eyesight
Like I said I would
But I still know
And that is you in front of me
And you are back for even more of exactly the same
Well, are you a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
And you are not ill
And I'm not dead
Doesn't that make us the perfect pair?
Just you and me
We'll start again
And you can tell me all about what you did today
What you did today

Special thank yous to Niki, Paul, Thom, Josh, and my parents.
The 6 people who know everything that's happened.

I can't believe I just did that to myself and that I told anyone about it and that now my parents probably know. I don't even remember being on the phone but I checked the caller ID and the number is there at 12:09 AM.

I woke up with messages sent to me that scared me because I thought something bad had happened to someone else. But it was me that everyone was looking for because I don't have any semblance of control over myself.

Enough hatred to do it
Enough stupidity to tell a soul

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think:
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

Temporary is my time
Ain't nothing on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
There is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

I eat too much I eat too little

I was just in the bathroom for so long. Just looking at myself and cutting my hair and treating my scalp with hydrogen peroxide and desperately trying to determine whether or not I am starting to go bald from the persistent PICKING

WHAT THE FUCK. I NEED TO FUCKING SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM
SCREAM
I COULD SCREAM AND JUST FUCKING BLOW

FUCK

There's something in the water. Or the weather. Or the sunlight. Or the moon.

Anger, which is kind of new actually.

Today marks the start of a new bad spell. I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin into something else that is less substantial.
I also have almost no desire for human contact, which is obviously an impossible ideal.
Lie lie lie everyone leave me the fuck alone

Currently Reading: The F Word (Feminism in Jeopardy) and loving e'eryy minuuuuute of it

Okayokayokayokayokay, whoahaohaohaohao

Fucking FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

And it happens so often I can smell the blood in my hair

I think you think I'm a better person than I actually am

I want to crawl into bed with someone and experience that warmth again. It makes me sad to think that.

I feel happy in that safety. It's a dangerous place to go, it could fuck everything up

Their high beams blind me
It reminds me
Just bad timing
The reason I'm alone

And you know, in grade school....when they told us to "just say no?" they never told us it would be so hard. Or that we might be tempted to say yes, even though that isn't the right answer. And feeling tempted is normal and okay. They didn't tell us we would feel humiliated when it happened, not empowered at that type of denial. They didn't say that he could make us feel like shit, even though he was "nice" about it. Or that he could so easily, cruelly, manipulate us into feeling guilty and humiliated about the whole thing. The he could so easily take our power. My power. And he isn't giving it back so now I have to start from scratch and find some. And I'm not sure at all if I can do that, or if I ever will. I'll try though, promise.



endpost.

HAHAHAHHA.
He's for real FUCK.
He.
Was so good at making himself look like the nice guy. He basically blamed everything on me. He acted like he wanted to hear what I had to say, then shot it all down. He said I should have told him. That if I thought he was trying to force me into something I had a lot to learn. That he is a nice guy and most guys would have been pissed that they weren't getting laid. But he stayed because he thought I was cool and thought cuddling was just as good. He guessed he read me wrong. He's tired of people hating him. It was a whole lot of what he had done right and what I should have done. I couldn't believe any of it was happening to me. I could not believe I had suddenly fallen prey o that type of guy.
You hear about them a lot, you know? Stories.
I've never experienced one before though. I'm scared to look over my shoulder always, because I wouldn't know what to do or if I should say hello. He deleted me on facebook.
Every guy. Every white male with the hair. Anyone I don't recognize immediately. Anyone wearing black sneakers. Those people are potential threats. A door opening and the person stepping in is not visible- threat. Accidentally catching anyone's eye because I can't help but look to see if it's going to be him- a threat. I don't want anyone approaching me. I am paranoid and I will startle more easily than before. Am I making this out to be much bigger than it actually is?? For the first time, my instincts about a guy failed me completely. I was right about not wanting to trust myself because I can't

Venus pointed out something scary today. Which was that because of that violation I might start to shy away from men.
I realized it was true. Forever fucked, a future alone. That's kind of how I envisioned it anyway, so that's fine I guess.
Shit load of homework today. My stomach is a mess, I'm tired.


Many MANY thanks to my dude friends<3







endpost.

It's heartbreaking to me that I can only handle myself and no one else. I could really be missing out, you know?


endpost.

I've been feeling very small

My vision for the third painting happens to look exactly like cancer cells. I am possessed or something.



endpost.
sketchsteph/

Okay. Wow. I'm sorry.
So I've gotten back to a better level of sanity than I was at for a majority of last night. I'm nowhere near where I was two days ago, which was a good place....but I can feel that I'm somewhere close. I'll come back soon I hope. I'm scared that the doctor will be angry with me for falling off the horse.
She's very intimidating, you know.
Venus will be disappointed and maybe confused. She'll probably freak me out again like she did last time.

What I experienced last night was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It was terrible and out of control. It ended up lasting for over 2 hours. I was nowhere to be found, I don't know who that was.

It took three long conversations. Laying in one bed and human contact with someone in my own for me to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's still clinging on the edges, when I think about it too much breath is short and my chest hurts. I get dizzy and afraid of falling back where I fell.

I need to call my mom.




endpost.

Done.
Instead of experiencing pride for making the right choice, I experienced a 1-hour panic attack. I was a pathetic site to see. I took a shower to make me feel better and I cried. I can't stand being reminded that I am a loose cannon.
I didn't take them at the usual time and this is what happened...I didn't realize the treatment was so day-to-day. I feel like I did before. Which is to say, someone other than myself. Which is just pure torture and I want to scream and puke and lay on the ground and sleep.

Hahahaha.













I'm totally off my fucking rocker.
I'm totally off my fucking rocker.

I'm already having nightmares about it. Everything is happening way too quickly. It's all too good, therefore I can't let myself trust it. Not that I don't want to.
What the fuck, I'm in big trouble with this one.

Charmed.

AH! About to break the rule about dating guys who are prettier than me

Fuck.

The first time, relaxation
The second time, comfort

Woke up with it on my mind. Way too too too soon.

WOW. Where is this going?

It ain't over til it's over. Whoa.

I'm glad to be back. Stay this way please.

Well, that's that probably. Next?

Being home was good. I felt rejuvenated and whole. I got a lot of Niki time, I got good $. My cat didn't try to bite me once, and we cuddled twice.

I'm also glad to be back. I felt bad that I didn't see Brian, and he tried to twice. I don't want to see someone out of pity though. Not that I don't miss his companionship. I just hate being guilted into doing anything.

Mmmm something shiny and new

Niki's house.
This town has made me feel safe and alive. Maybe in a weird way I feel okay because I know I won't allow myself to end up like most of the people here.
I dread going back to school and losing the identity I seem to come by so easily here.

Today I feel something that is just brushing happiness. So I'm glad for that.
Home<3 tonight

I can't stand these late nights, these early mornings

"I love raising her, I don't need to raise my own."
One day I am going to seriously explore my dedication to my younger sister, Sarah. I don't know where it comes from, because it seems to be a protective bond that surpasses my duties as "big sister." I don't enjoy many things more than watching her succeed and be completely normal. Maybe I am living vicariously through her. I want to help her to get it right, and not mess up in the same ways that Heather and I did.

Anyway, hi all...this is me procrastinating my paper on Kiki Smith. I just hit 6 pages and I need 8 so that's just fine I guess.

I love twitter.

I am looking forward to being home in less than 24-hours. It will be good to be fed real food and loved and cared about. All I want to do is snuggle with Niki. That meter is never full, can't get enough of that girl. I never thought I could forge a bond with another human being the way I have her. I hope to find that same companionship in a man that I will fall in love with some day.

What I need to know is that I will have a man to fall in love with some day. I am slowly reinstating my status as a love optimist, which is a nice feeling.

Venus tomorrow- not much to say. I've been trying to gauge all day whether I have been feeling any real emotions. I don't feel sad, which is confusing. I think I don't feel much though, which I don't like. I don't necessarily remember happy, when it isn't there it's hard to grasp. But if I were feeling it I think I would know...
Dig dig dig me outta' this hoooole.


Loopy from caffeine, back to work.





endpost.

Never been so poor of money or heart

Now that I've tried it, I can finally understand how it is to have a fling with someone but not really give a shit about it after it happens (both times).
So, maybe that isn't the most honorable decision I've ever made, but here's to me not caring. The dynamics of single life floor me.

Anyway, I'm glad I could get into the brains of a "typical dude..."which, when it comes down to it is actually just a typical young person.

I found this from about a month ago. Heavily edited for this heeeere

"6/21/06. He called me fat again.

Touch face and wrists to indicate weight.
Walking, feel every ounce. With the awareness comes disgust & nausea at my lack of control over myself.
Fat on face, neck, midriff

Why did I allow myself to put that into my body?
It's destructive, I'm a bad feminist, I should try harder, enemy food, hunger is power.
Control. Happiness. Safety.
Off-kilter with a full stomach. Bile at the thought. I slip up, I consume- start from the top.
Can't face it naked, a gross truth: I am too substantial.
Think about it think about it
think think pick
I just really want something to control.
And when I enjoy food, it's only because I have failed.
6.21.06. It wasn't the only time."




endpost.

You can't be like me

But be happy that you can't

I see pain but I don't feel it I am like the old tin man

I'm as worn as a stone

I keep it steady as I can

I see pain but I don't feel it I am like the old tin man

I miss it

I miss it

Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling

I used to fill the sky around with happiness and joy

I had news to give the wind to keep myself and heart employed

I felt people move around me

I felt loneliness and shame

Back then every day was different now each moment is the same

I miss it

I miss it

Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling

The feeling of feeling

The wind upon my face

And caring what it brings this way

The feeling of feeling

The minutes pass away

And caring what I do with them

Baby bring me love or something else


And so it goes a man grows cold

Some would say a man grows strong

They tell me life grows short

I say the road only grows long

And as long as there's a road

My feet will never touch the ground

Fuck, I'm not funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've found hope.

I am showered and clean, I'm making my bed for the first time in weeks. The Freak is giving me a rest today.

*****************************************

And then someone new came along, and he really knew how to treat a lady.

Sometimes it's just really nice to be in forced company with a bunch of pretty alright people who only sort of know me and who I only sort of know. There's no pretending we understand each other or anything like that, just trying to get by in the current environment feeling entertained.
No cell phone reception, good night in the photo lab.

For starters, thank god for defense mechanisms cause they rule.


Leonid last night, except not really. And then the night ended with a bunch of upset lonely little girls who reject what's good and magnetize to the mentally unhealthy. It's cool though, I'm exercising my right to mull over things for like another hour and then I'm through.

I miss Niki and I miss my family. I want to sit on the couch with my mom and annoy my little sister even though she likes it. And find out what the hell goes through my older sister's head and give my dad an uncomfortably long hug because he's good at hugging.

I also know what I don't want, which Venus says is a really good thing.

I'm going to come up with an agenda and I'm going to try sticking to it. This life is a good life, I get it.

*******************************************************

Venus freaked me out because I freaked her out. I wish I could perceive what I say from the perspective of anyone but me. Anybody who has a better grasp of what the fuck is coming out of my mouth.
Appointments were moved and I'm seeing the scary doctor on Thursday again. I hate going to her, she's too intense and it blows my mind.
A lot of what I said today was realized as I was saying it.

Like, I'm not really living but actually going through the motions of living.

I wouldn't mind being taken care of, this is why I want mom and dad. I don't feel like playing adult anymore.

I'm sick of discovering how sick my former relationship was

Showering shouldn't be an effort but it is.

I eat when I'm sad. I don't eat when I'm sad. I'm treating my body like complete shit and I'm not going to do a fucking thing about it.

I haven't exercised in such a long time, after years of a healthy routine. Terrible sign.

I would prefer everyone ignoring me

Anything I do or take isn't working, and that's pretty funny because seriously?





endpost.

I won't really let myself make mistakes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I make the best decisions.

No regrets though, and I may have found something good here.

The Hemingway House was my trip highlight for Key West.


I just finished a huge painting and I don't think I'm happy with it. Class at 945 and I'm nowhere near feeling like I want to sleep, even though I'm tired. I guess it goes without saying that I'm not in the best of spirits, but I am glad to be home and surrounded by comfort and people who want to enjoy life.

I feel strange and optimistic about tomorrow.




endpost.

I got to be the dude: life is good again!

When I was younger I had this weird thing where I wanted to be a boy. Or something. Experiencing puberty as a total tomboy was probably one of the weirdest things I've ever had to go through. There was a lot of confusion and questioning that came with not knowing what the fuck was happening to my body. At 11 I had no female identity, looking in the mirror I saw a completely androgynous person, so when mother nature forced me to become a woman it was a weird sort of betrayal for me.
Womanhood is something that I am still learning to embrace. I would rather be who I am than anybody else, and slowly I am realizing that part of myself is being a woman.

Anyway, this entry is weird and unexplained because if I go any further it might become a little too intimate. But there's some scraps of what went through my head just now.


Anyway, back to the daily grind. Paint, read, write




endpost.

Key West

Key West has been just odd. Overall, very very good.
But not like anything I expected, at least from myself. I get sad at night and I've been tired days.

The depth of what "it" is still floors me. I thought a getaway could fix anything. Weird that I had to prove to myself that I literally have no control over what I am feeling and there is never a "why" to help me come to terms with it all.
What I'm on made drinking almost an impossibility. I wasn't feeling too fun anyway I guess.

I did have a wonderful epiphany this morning though, about how I can't hold anything against him and now I can move on to recovering the friendship part of things. So Key West did that for me. The epiphany didn't make anything better, because it wasn't the root of my problem...but I at least have that off my chest.


Off, home tomorrow, I miss it, I've never been homesick before.




endpost.

I also bought a killer hand made all-cotton backpack.

I went to bed exhausted but then couldn't sleep because I was afraid my phone would turn off and I would miss my plane. I was up about every 4 minutes for a long time. Now I'm "up." I'm scared to function because even blinking feels weird.
But I don't feel too sorry for myself because I am LEAVING here. I want to take 5bee and Paul with me. No one else really matters since Niki will already be there, but I'll miss them. These are the people who have never done anything to hurt me and I that's a big thing to like about someone.

Hopefully Key West will be full of beautiful pictures and beautiful experiences and nothing to do with TOO much partying or too many dudes. That's how I want it to be. Just a complete detox from all that.

I am freezing because I'm so tired and I just heard Alyssa laugh but I'm not sure she's even awake. And I'm not sure why she would be

Too capable of cruelty.

Leaving for Key West in just a few hours. Feeling pretty much nothing about being here. I have a test today, I'm hoping I pass. I hope that I miss a lot while I'm gone. I just don't want to know anymore.

I'll insist on talking to you even though I know you hate every minute of it

Whoa, that got surprisingly bad.

I hate that when I don't feel like eating I have to, because medicines are best taken that way. Yesterday I made the mistake of neglecting that part of my day and puked in my mouth a little.
Disgusting I know, try living it.

Also, something traumatizing happened to me last night which was A WORM LIKE THING WAS ON MY FOOT. I didn't throw up, probably because that was taken care of earlier in my day, but I freaked a little bit.

Then I woke up and didn't feel like moving. I should run, or read, or study or something. I have so much work to do that isn't going to get done when it needs to be. Like tomorrow. I feel like I'm still in this weird mourning period and I don't want to see anyone really, or do anything, except for listen to music that has weapons for words. So that's a terrible way of coping.

I need a doctor's note or something. Excuse me, please.


On a more exciting note, I'm signed up for 4 classes all about WOMEN next semester. Couldn't be happier about that situation. Thanks dad for that weird epiphany about passions you had. Glad mine came in high school and not when I was almost 50. Seriously, because I'm not having kids and I feel like he's built up this lifestyle where that epiphany is only useful for his children and not himself. Which just takes my breath away because of how sad that is.

So I'm going to shower and then do nothing when I should seriously be doing a whole lot of something.







endpost.

My neck hurts

Sunshine day

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

I guess I should finally admit to myself that I am hurting and that I feel used. And it's pain and anger and frustration. I'm confused, and defiant. I am undeserving and I am in mourning.
I discovered that I care more and he cares less than we said we would.
And it's fine I guess. And I'm proud of myself, because I'm letting it go completely until I maybe want it back in a safer way.

And of course, it's all forgiven. Which is sick.

I guess I sort of did what I promised myself I would never do. Or never really thought myself capable of doing. Which is to say, I got mad where I don't have a real right to be.
At least I don't think I do...

Anyway, anger has been enough of a catalyst for me to move on and up and away. Begrudgingly, temporarily. Because who am I to know what I think. I won't go too far

It's hard for me to separate the friendship from the something else. I can't tell which version I'm disappointed with and I want to salvage at least one.



In other news, today has been dragging on and on, but in a good way. Time finally slowed down!!!!!!!!
It's amazing this extra hour we've gained. I went for a short run this morning and it felt GLoo oh oh rious. Also, I pretended that small bit of exercise justified the shit I put into my body later in the day. Probably didn't in reality but whatever.

Back to the MAD SCIENCE GRIND tomorrow.

Long hair coming down her shoulders
She is tired and feeling so much older
So tear the pages from the family bible
It came down upon the women for survival

My. jaw. is. killing. me. Possibly I got punched in the face last night and didn't notice it or something. It hurts to eat. Probably a good thing.

I officially gained like 150 pounds or something, so that's sort of gross, so I'm off for a run.

Fall runs rule my liiiife (when I actually go) wheeee.


endpost.

The Halloween experience. Pretttty gooood year. Wish there was more documentation. My bad.
:

:

^Obviously every piercing I've had done was in preparation for this costume.

Also, my hair is about 3000x longer than I could have ever believed.


endpost.

Things I never thought I'd be but I am anyway:

1. Someone who enjoys recreational drug use
2. Single
3. A totally clueless human being
4. INEXPERIENCED in the worst ways
5. Graduating late
6. On the road to vegetarianism
7

7
7
.

7. One of those girls who goes for the douchebag instead of the nice guy

For the past month or so I've really been struggling with the idea of marriage.
Until that time, I. loved. marriage. And weddings. Now I'm a little bit grossed out by all of it.

Obviously, I have always been mortified at the injustice of banning homosexuals from the institution of marriage. But recently, that feeling grew HUGE until I just got so disgusted at the thought of celebrating my wedding with people who can't celebrate theirs.
Freaks me out. A lot. I wanted to scream and shout.

Anyway. I also came to this weird life conclusion that I am never going to find someone. I am, however, anticipating a good deal of "great loves."
Possibly, this is my way of protecting my lonely lil' heart from itself.
Possibly not.
It's just so much better to not have the expectation of being married. Because if I expect myself to, and then I don't.... I'll just hate myself so much. SO much

This is kind of like when I realized I was never going to be a teacher because I fucking hate children andddd teenagers anddd parents andddd I felt a lot better about having a sort of aimless future full of art and part-time jobs, rather than forcing myself into this square shaped existence that I don't quite fit into.
....This whole love(S) thing has made me feel a lot better about, at least in that department. Because I can't even fathom ever finding someone who would love me enough and in that way I guess. (Trust issue?) So. They can all just leave me when they feel free to be free. This philosophy makes me feel a lot more comfortable and perfect in the situation I'm in right now.

If I always anticipate the end, then maybe I will be okay when it comes? Since it isn't actually an end to anything at all.

so ignorance is bliss now
so there's that
that's that

So anyway, I guess I'll lighten the mood now with this really pretty triptych.











endpost.

Today I learned about Reptilians. So that was pretty interesting and only a little bit scary.

You hate me because I know more about living than you do. And I barely know how to live. And at least I'm trying.


AND YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU EVEN FUCKING BOTHERED.
HATE ME
HATE ME
HATE ME

And so I guess I'm saying that my whole being now is just trying to find people who matter.
Since you ain't worth a shit

Hey so yeah I'm a senior and yeah I think I'm switching minors cool.
Women's studies. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEMOMANDDAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It would mean. a . fucking. lot. The world actually. Since it pertains to my art which pertains to my happiness, which is sort of everything. Right???



endpost.

Dangerous Curves Ahead

I forgot to mention the Trick Pony tee I purchased today at Udelco.

Trick Pony, keepin' it real.

I guess I was dumb for thinking that CVS would call me when my prescription was filled? Even though I gave them my digits? I dungetit.

Cruise today! OFF CAMPUS! I didn't almost get hit by a car, which was pretty cool. I did almost die by suffocation though. Nostril situation: both are now clogged. I'm sleepy and cloudyyyy in da head. Also, I can't taste food! So that's cool. I almost (ALMOST BUT NOT REALLY) wish I could stay tasteless foreverrrr. Cause then I'd have no reason to eat except for when I was sincerely hungry. Never. happening. in. this lifetime. BOO.

Got a hold of Karen O and the Kids today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHERETHEWILDTHINGSARESOUNDTRACK.
I<3 it a lot.








Can I make pictures I take into postcards? How does that even work? I'm not gonna' do it cause the pictures are mine. I want em. I was just thinking about it. Let me know.






endpost.

I'm congested in just one nostril. UNATTRACTIVE. I'm inclined to blame my nose ring.

My external harddrive rebelled this weekend thanks to probably having the computer being overheated and then shut down improperly. I should take better care of my things. Good news is, I don't differentiate between what I buy and what someone else buys. Maybe that's bad news. I'll lean toward saying I take better care of things that other people buy me, but I'll admit it's only temporary. I love my shit, it's fine.

Pretty solid weekend, even though I was feeling moody. Not my fault. Seriously.

Dr J in the morning, I DON'T WANNA I HATE HER

Why do friends leave? No one said they could

I don't want to be made a fool of

<3 friends, <3 autumn vitamin d

Day4, whittling down

It's good it's great I like it

Exciting in a sick, self-destructive sort of way.

Officially back into work-out mode. I have a lot of work to do...sorry body, for damaging you so.

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you

I'm reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand and I think it's pretty great. I can't get to the bottom of why I love something that business-men love? How do I have anything in common with business-men? I'm scared a little bit. I guess it doesn't matter, I love the bitch I don't givafuck.

I had to get blood work yesterday morning. My arm bruised from it so now it looks like I'm an insane person. Fine I guess.


Being bolstered into happiness by something I'm not supposed to feel. It's been a long long time





endpost.

And I could fall for him in a fucking heartbeat

No walls can keep me protected,
No sleet - nothing between me and the rain.
And you can't save me now, I'm in the grip of a hurricane.
I'm going to blow myself away

I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse

No home, don't want shelter
No calm, nothing to keep me from the storm
And you can't hold me down, 'cause I belong to the hurricane
It's going to blow this all away

I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse

I hope that you see me, 'cause I'm staring at you
But when you look over, you look right through
Then you lean and kiss her on the head
And I never felt so alive and so dead

I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
I'm going out..

I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
I'm going out x6

Taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.

I collapse.
I might stay out longer then,
I left a light on for you then.
If you show, you show.
If you show you show.
When I feel like this,
When I get so into myself,
I lose track of where I'm going then,
Lose track of how to get going again,
Feel myself slowing down,
Fell myself turning round,
Is this taken?

When I feel like this,
When I get so sick of myself,
Where are you going then?
Without me and not knowing then,
That we're slowing down,
You've got to turn right around,
And tell me that I'm taken then,
Tell me if I'm yours,
You collapse.


The pressure of this life is so,
You can't be held accountable.
If you go, you go.
If you go you go.
When you act like this,
When you get so sick of yourself,
The whole world falls away.
In a sense, I feel like I have only missed,
The feeling that I'm here again,
The feeling that I'm clear again,
I'm not taken.
When you act like this,
When you get so into yourself,
I lose sight of common goals and letting go,
So I can be all alone.
Feel myself going slow,
Feel myself letting go.
Not taken,
Not feeling like I'm yours.

Taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.

This life looks like a sentence,
Though a constant game of falling short.
If you know, you know.
If you know, you know.
When I feel like this,
When I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.
Isn't right for me.
I never fight to see,
If coming clean would get to me.
I feel myself holding back,
I feel the pressure,
It's finally back,
I'm taken.

When you felt like this,
When you saw it all come crashing down.
Subtle but not underground,
I was there,
I saw the signs,
I saw unfair,
And so I wrote to you,
Through other means.
I let myself finally feel taken,
Like I was yours.

Taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
I collapse.
I collapse.

I have a headache, but I refuse to call it hungover. I'll attribute it to serious lack of sleep.

This semester, music has suddenly become for me what books were this summer. I am living vicariously through song so I don't have to think my own thoughts. Yay!
Anyway, I guess I'm sort of enabling myself about stupid things and I know I shouldn't do things like that but I can't take control of myself and so it's fine.

I lost my debit card yesterday, which is really dumb. It's like the 17th time or something. Seriously. Anyway, I lost it immediately after making a cash withdrawal using the card so. That sucks.
I ordered a new one this morning from a pretty unprofessional dude. He was pretty cool I guess. Also, if you need help ordering a new card: don't sweat it, I got your back

I can always tell when it's coming back
Tightening of chest, loss of breath, back down the slide

The freak comes from nowhere, but I can feel it now when it gets here. It's manifested into something physical, something that hurts. It focuses on my chest, short of breath, ouch

I'm terrified, above all things. Crying won't fix it, but it's a relief to get something out.

I can't stop the freak

Where the Wild Things Are

WATCH IT.

It reminded me of how wild we are. And how we're not really allowed to be that wild, because we're adults and we're women and so we've become artists to compensate.

I want to be that wild.
Or, I am, and so I can't find a place to be.

HOME, lyrics

Here is that best of best love songs I was talking about earlier.
Hippie love. Love, period. Want it, need it, gotta' have it....

[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.

[Him:]
Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.

[Her:]
Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.

[Him:]
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.

[Him:]
I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.

[Her:]
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.

[Him:]
We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

[Her:]
And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.
[ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.

(Talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me.
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes I do.
Him: Well there's something I never told you about that night.
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you til just now.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.

[Him:]
Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

[Her:]
Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4

Thanks Cher, for your wisdom

There's this song I keep listening to called "Home" by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes. This song is awesome, because it's about the strongest love two people can share. And I'm pretty sure (I hope) the man and woman singing it are actually in love with one another.
It's folky and adorable and just !!!.

However.
It scares the shit out of me because I don't know if I am ever ever ever going to find love like this. And if I don't find love like that, it means I've only found "love" that's not worth having. After convincing myself of true love in my old relationship for so long, I no longer trust love. At all. Do I even believe in it? Maybe it's a lot harder to come by than previously understood. I've already mentioned here many times that I can't trust myself either.
So who can I trust? I can't trust any partner I come by, because they may tire of us the way I tired of us.

On another, similar note. I do think that love can be found amongst friends who have loved as friends for many years and shared memories completely unromantically. I might even think this is the best way to find love.

And also. An issue which has seriously begun to piss me off::
Something I've learned in college is that I am completely naive in recognizing the intentions of most guys who cross my path. Since freshman year, I have found that a lot of dudes make a huge effort to develop a very personal, intimate friendship with me. One where we can talk about life and philosophy and whatever.
Every single time a guy has reached out to me in this way, I have accepted his friendship as just that : friendship.
Every single time a guy realizes that is all I am offering, he's out.
This. is. completely. unfair. And also really fucked up.
I know about myself that I invest a shit ton of devotion into every friendship I make that is new or old. So for these people to just up and LEAVE pisses me off SO. MUCH.
!!!!!
It just goes back to the idea that I, as a female, owe something to my male counterparts. Which I do not. When dudes ditch me like that, it makes me feel guity, like I've done something wrong. Which I realize is completely false. Why do so many dudes offer their "friendship" under the guise of friendship? Any time I've experienced this, I was never told that I was supposed to be some romantic interest. Half the times it's happened, I've had a boyfriend. So what the fuck!? WHAT?
Does this mean that my friendship holds NO value to heterosexual males just because I am a single girl not looking to sack any fucking dude who comes my way???

What the hell dudes.

It's happened twice in this apartment already, with my roommates and myself.
And it makes me fucking SICK




ENDPOST

Um, there was a spider next to an inchworm/slug combo in my shower this morning. PLEASE KILL ME NOW

How did I let myself reach this size

Snuggle Styles

Just so you all know. I love experiencing snuggles, talking about snuggles, hearing about snuggles. Snuggles. are. the. best.

Trying to swing my way back into a more normal work out routine. I keep waking up feeling so drainenened and not in the mood for running at all, which makes me sad.


WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE ON THURSDAY MIDNIGHT WHEEEE <33333

<3 a warm bed

We accidentally had another concert in our room.

Yep, that was pretty fucking awesome.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THIS??

A message from an old friend. I have a couple of responses for her, but I want input from other people too...
:


"Hiya!!! I know you're into feminist things, so I thought I'd tell you about the situation I'm in now. I'm student teaching at a middle/high school near my college. I have 2 cooperating teachers I work with. Both are male, one is at least in his 50s, and the other is about 35. My first issues began with the older co-op - he was rude to me from the start, talked down to me in front of students, and has treated me more as a secretary than a student teacher.

As the weeks passed, the situation has only improved as the older co-op began to ignore me and spend his days sleeping or doing grad work (he's working on his doctorate) in his office while I teach his 6 classes every day (I'm a bit ticked, because he gets his regular salary plus a bonus of several hundred dollars to "assist" me while I teach. Hah.)

I also became more and more frustrated with my younger co-op. He started making comments to me like "no offense, but you're such an ineffective teacher I don't want to leave you alone with my students" and "I'm so glad I have a personal secretary this year!!" while giving me ONLY NEGATIVE feedback after observing my lessons. Negative to the point that I begged my LVC supervisor to come and observe me because I was getting so down about everything. The first thing my supervisor said to me after middle school band rehearsal was that he'd be happy to write me a recommendation to get my masters in conducting at UF (his alma mater) and that I should really consider pursuing conducting - this is after my co-op told me that I have incredibly limited skills and am a weak conductor and teacher!

There have been several other incidents, and he snaps at me in front of students as well. I come home from school (I don't leave for at least an hour after my co-ops leave) and cry because this is all I've wanted to do for the past four years and they make me feel like a failure.

Finally, I got in touch with the guy that student taught with these guys LAST year. Our experiences have been completely identical, with the exception that my co-ops used to belittle women after school when the three of them were alone. At one point, the younger co-op remarked that women shouldn't be band directors, that they should stick to elementary music, because they're just not as good as men are.

I guess my point is...I have rarely encountered this kind of thinking that has actually affected me up until this point in my life. I honestly believe that he has no respect for me and does not think I'm capable, largely because of my gender. I believe that most women in our generation are AWARE of this discrimination...but I know that I have tended to forget that it's still here and still affects us. Anywho, just one of those eye-opening situations and I'd like to hear your opinion on the subject because I know you have more background on it. I've accepted that this is just the situation I'm in, and I'm hoping it's going to just get through it without any permanent damage, haha. Hope you're doing well."




endpost.

PROMPROMPROMPROMPROMPROMPROMPROMPROMPROM

Usually when I wake up I look at instances like yesterday and I




This morning was different, because I'm still there

Oh god I feel awful, I'm literally ....

I can feel all my normal behaviors just .
For the first time this
I don't have its power and it t
. I want to get out of this body.

I can't do it

I always only come back for a day or two now

Up for running. I stayed up way way way too late last night, doing practically nothing.

We did The Shining and wining (Alyssa's idea), which took hella long to get through and I'm glad I wasn't jazzed because I would have peed my pants since I had to pee for most of the movie. It was so fucking good! Certain colors read really well on camera and that dude GOT IT. Artistically speaking, it was the sweetest, but horror films make me emotional once I survive them and I don't like it.
Anyway, I couldn't just go to bed after the movie because I was HORRIFIED, so then we put Enchanted on as a way of detox. Pretty solid decision I'm pretty sure. I woke up from a weird dream because of my alarm a few minutes ago, but I actually think it was about a dude and not about The Shining THANK GOD.

My bladder is about to explode.
Volunteering for Garden State Equality today with Paul I hope it's a wonderful experience which somehow gives me lots of energy instead of sucking it out of me yayy!!!

Also I didn't fail my psych test which is fucking amazing since a lot of the class did. Trust me when I say that I'm one of those people who when I say "I failed," I fail. This is literally the first time I have predicted failure and not gotten it. Yay yay ayyay ayyay a. !!

I have nothing else to say because it's 8:41 AM (even though my timestamp will proaly say 541:( ).

heybye!





endpost.
sketchstepnleist.blogspot.com

I'm not even sure that I want to be eating this grilled-cheese sammie right now, and it smells like but does not taste like cinnamon. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY

For once, and FINALLY, I am embracing these crazy emotions that I'm getting caught up in.

For now.
hahahha
I've achieved a new attentiveness that is quiet and not always fruitful, but it means he's thinking about me and I'm home base here.
And dear lord I hope he never comes across these words.
wheeee



endpost.

ART TALKS

Niki and I are co-writing a blog dedicated to art talks. Art of our own, or interesting artists who we have come across, or things relating to art. In any way.

So hey you followers on here, follow us there please!!

sketchstephnleist.blogspot.com

As far as men are concerned, it sucks to get the expectation high when I am drunk.
Actually it's just dumb on my part.
I have the worst habit of allowing myself to hope hope hope when there is alcohol running through my system.

I always have this fear that if I lose sight of him, physically, he'll be gone and won't come back. Even as a friend. That's why I get so caught up in all of this all of the time.
Last night I lost sight and it was such a huge disappointment because it didn't have to be that way.

And I've gotten so good at putting myself to bed early and alone, which is probably the best way.


And I'm feeling just fine.



endpost.

WHAT is the point of that pill if it isn't regulating what it's supposed to.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off to run, feeling queasy
*********************
Helphelphelp help help!

660 new songs today WHEE
*********************
1 hour and 10 minutes.
*
1 hour, 23 minutes
1 hour, 37
one hour forty-five minutes everything is fine
And I should feel happy but I sort of don't feel anything

Yeah, so I can only hope that she didn't come to that conclusion because she is giving up on me. I was surprised to hear that I was so transparent, and that in 4-weeks the actual issue had revealed itself.
I was relieved to know that I am not necessarily crazy. Or if I am, I can try to fix it.
I'm scared because I don't know what happens next and I don't know what that stuff will do or how I will feel or if I will lose sight of myself even more, and for forever.
I'm afraid to let my parents know, especially my dad. Which doesn't make sense because he experienced it before I did and my parents don't judge me that way. But if they wanted to they could and that scares me.
I don't know who to talk to about this

I woke up annoyed. HOW MUCH DOES THAT SUCK? Why did that happen?

I'm going running, it will probably be one of those things where I start crying while I'm running. There doesn't necessarily have to be a reason for that, just blood pumping and heart beating.


It's a beautiful day, I foresee a wonderful Autumn. Aesthetically, at the very least.

I just feel weird.


******************

The run was fine, I didn't go far but my running philosophy is to go easy on myself so it's enjoyable. It's hard enough to get myself running, and running itself is hard so. I'll just be easy on that one.

There was a women's group walking the loop I do, which was beneficial to me because I am an energy stealer when I run and they had lots to loan.
!!








IT'S GONNA BE NOTHINGGGGG

**********

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

Maybe that's true.
I've forgiven you but that by no means says I want you back in my life.

***********

And it isn't that I find myself unattractive or boring or anything. I guess I just feel like I can't get where a dude comes from when he thinks he sees something good here. I don't want to be put on a pedestal I don't deserve. There isn't anything special behind the scenes. I can't handle the pressure of being someone greater than me.

So I guess that what I'm saying is I don't feel that I'm entitled to holding anybody's interest. So maybe it was never him not loving himself, it was me not loving myself.


endpost.

I won't be dealing with anyone but myself and her. You're either going to be here or you aren't, I won't ask twice

No

A need for serious sleep is raging against my entire system.
Can't wait to come back hooome!

Home.



It's amazing that when life allows me to get over myself, really bad shit starts happening to everyone else.
So what I have to do is make sure I keep my head afloat so that everyone else can too. Even if I have to drag them all out of the water.

I wasn't expecting to come home and find that anything had changed, but now everything has changed and things will be different forever unless I find out that everyone is OK and healthy and surviving.
There's a good chance that's what will happen, right?

Tuesday will be a pretty big day for this household.

She didn't tell my dad which was surprising. I guess not everyone desires the same support system I do. I wonder where that comes from

This reminds me of when my mom was skinnier than I am, even though she's inches taller, because when she didn't feel well she didn't eat. And when you don't eat you can't get better.
It isn't about the food, it's just about feeling well.


Other than scared and in anticipation of three days from now, I feel okay and whole.

So what's been going on lately. In actual, sane sentences.

I had my first painting crit of the year yesterday. I was completely let down with what I created. I don't really have much to say about the painting anymore, except for that I hate it and I think we betrayed each other big time.
Ha
seriously.

Volunteered for Regina last night. I can't tell if the world loves or hates when Trina and I (or any of 5b) interact in public?
Ever since our Spooky Cat scene in Shop Rite, I'm leaning toward the latter...I guess it doesn't matter if we're having fun?? RIGHT??


Also, I've finally had that experience where I gave up on caring about a guy who says one thing and does another. And he comes running back my way.
I cannot fucking believe that philosophy holds any amount of truth.
I mean I can, but come ON.
I guess in this situation it works out really well, because it's exactly what we talked about in the first place. I wish I could always feel this empowered in situations. It's so much healthier for me to feel that I have as much control over what's going on as he does. God knows that's not how it felt before.

Home this weekend for CHURCH bullshit, of all things. Missing applefest on Sunday because of it BOO.
I will never understand how my parents could possibly raise three women in the Catholic faith.
So backwards



endpost.

Whyyy must the chemicals in my brain betray me and not let me feel this happy ALL THE TIME? What's the dish, science?

Day 3!

In Niki's words, my painting hates me. I guess that's alright, even though I threw a lot of love (as well as $$) its way...

Getting stronger, going strong

Day 2

Coyote Ugly is just about as dumb as I thought it would be.

My right eye and leg are having spasms, so that sort of sucks?

My allergies are unbearable and it makes me saddd but I LOVE THE FALL and I can't wait to go pumpkin picking and wear androgynous clothing and Timberlands and hear crunchy leaves and see blue blue skies with orange horizons.



I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT

The light?!

Bad spell, here we go again

It just crossed my mind that I really have no idea how much I smile anymore.
When in the world did I become so serious??
I laugh when things are funny, but I feel like I'm never in a "smiling mood."
Lately, it takes a noticeable effort to get me smiling. Some people can get me to smile willingly, but the presence of others can just as naturally lead to tears & self-loathing for how weak I am for allowing someone else to (yes) MAKE me feel a certain way. This means I am not at all in control.

Those sentences didn't make much sense.







endpost.

Huge progress with the painting today, I'm getting happy about it. I was pretty down for a while because I felt like it was rejecting me.
Yes, paintings are capable of doing that. At least mine.

I decided that before during after I'm painting, I'm going to write about what's going through my mind. I think it would give me interesting insight into how certain things end up on the canvas.
Here's some of what I wrote today.


"As a painter, I prefer to share visually & withhold vocally. Secrets lose their meaning when they are given away. The mystique of the symbol is lost & raped by the eagerness of the viewer to "get it." I would rather the viewer just feel it.

The experience of painting is draining & emotional and painful, both physically and mentally. It can be a passionate uphill struggle that reaps no reward in the end. As an artist, I bear my soul in each of my paintings. Sometimes, I do not like what I see. Possibly, the occasional forced nature of what I paint is caused by the inability (& refusal) to come to terms with whatever it is that I feel (or don't allow myself to feel) on a regular, exhausting basis.
This is the lot of the artist. I take the challenge on willingly, even though I am tired."

Jeese, can't shake this feeling.




In better news: Work today, WHEEEEE. Hope it goes well so I can allow myself more shopping therapy and buy some lotion for the approaching cold season.

The painting is on the move, I'm about 6 1/2 hours in with at least one more to go. Minimalism.



endpost.

Having troubles telling how I feel
But I can dance, dance and dance
Couldn't possibly tell you how I mean
But I can dance, dance, dance
So when I trip on my feet
Look at the beat
The words are, written in the sand
When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing
The words are, written in the air
Dance
I was a dancer all along
Dance, dance, dance
Words can never make up for what you do
Easy conversations, there's no such thing
No I'm shy, shy, shy
My hips they lie 'cause in reality I'm shy, shy, shy
But when I trip on my feet
Look at the ground
The words are, written in the dust
When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing
The words are written in the air
Dance
I was a dancer all along
Dance, dance, dance
Words can never make up for what you do
Dance, dance, dance

Tonight, while I was painting, I tried to come up with a mental list of qualities that I like about me.

After about 3 whole seconds, I was kind of disturbed to discover I have a splendidly short list of likes and a huge gross list of dislikes.

Here is what I came up with, we'll keep it to likes so you won't be here all day:
1. I like my hair (superficial)

2. I think I make alright decisions and give alright advice

3. I'm honest

4. I have a high tolerance for most people.
Which I'm not even sure if I like this quality about myself, because it mostly gets me into trouble or gives me patience in situations where it will come back and bite me in the ass later...


So that's my list, and I think I should try to fix it. And by fix it I mean extend it.



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Also, the bottoms of my feet are seeing daylight for the first time.

Also, I really like you guy.

Also, sorry that this is like my official whine-box. (Except not because I'm allowed). Promise I don't talk about this shit out loud 24/7...that's what this is for.

I'm glad to know that when I'm drunk and upset and irrational I don't let myself act like a complete asshole.
Also, I never seem to forget that I AM being irrational. Which is weird and kind of doesn't make sense, but I promise you it's true.
I always know that I can trust myself when the voice (very very very far) in the back in my head tells me that I'll wake up in the morning with no more tears and a better way of looking at everything.


ADDITIONALLY, I learned that when shit gets bad and the party's still on, I am completely capable of sending myself to bed. This is an amazingly useful tool.

Raw, drunken emotions can only get me so far, I guess.

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I'm just wondering when I will be in control again

Totally different selections- same results. THIS PROVES ITS ACCURACY, YES?

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- You are at a point where you are trying to bolster your self-esteem by reviewing and exaggerating your own accomplishments through critical appraisal and even scientific and theoretical discrimination. You want everything to be clear-cut and unequivocal.

DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- You are seeking a peaceful environment so that you can reduce stress and be free of some conflicts you now are experiencing. You attempt to control your situation cautiously with heightened sensitivity and feelings and an eye for detail.

CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- You are very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of partner and you are seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

When you finish taking the test, please let us know if you think it was accurate for you.

Keloids are gross and I thought I was going to contract a disease in the shower this morning because I stepped on a piece of glass from beer that broke like 2 weeks ago.

The only way to describe my progress with my painting today is to say that it looks contrived, forced, and pretentious.
It looks safe and flat.
I cannot wait to go back in and replace each one of those adjectives.
ART IS HARD.



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Another Single Revelation

Something new that has proven to be a fact about me is that I am happy for other peoples' happiness in love, or in like, or in whatever.
I'm happy for other peoples' happiness.

That was a nice thing I learned about myself today.

I'm happy for you guys.



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I'm let down when I get picked last.
I think this makes me a brat!!

200th

: "PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS-- you are at a point where you are trying to bolster your self-esteem by reviewing and exaggerating your own accomplishments through critical appraisal and even scientific and theoretical discrimination. You want everything to be clear cut and unequivocal."
"DESIRED OBJECTIVE--You are a seeking an affectionate relationship which you hope will you offer you fulfillment and happiness. You feel you are capable of great love andyou are willing to adjust and adapt to the needs of your partner in order to achieve this much desired bond. You value consideration and understanding from other people."

I'm so glad I'm single.
So sad that carbs make me glad.

A good piece of advice I was given is that no one person can make me feel anything.

I think that daily, I neglect to use that word properly. Maybe you do too. Letting someone "make me" feel something is just one more way I am giving up the level of control I have over my life and my emotions.

Maybe changing the language of my thought will help me be more in charge of how I think. I have this theory that my brain is on auto or something, leaving me out of most of what it's doing. Problem.

Anyway, instead of saying certain people make me feel a certain way (upset, excited, whatever), I could opt to say that I feel a certain way when I'm around certain people.
If that makes sense
?
It's subtle but it's a difference.

If I put time into changing the language, that means I'll be giving myself more of an opportunity to think about the meaning behind what I'm saying.



So yeah








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Painting 1/3(4?)

The painting is the yellow color(s) of amniotic fluid. It is an exploration of my personal thoughts on bearing children, rearing children, & children in general. I am a woman born without that set of "instincts" to contribute to a population that is already brimming with life. The idea of turning the body into a carrier sits poorly with me. In this painting & others, the fetus will be depicted in "colds." This will be a commentary on my discomfort with motherhood & my view of the fetus as FETUS, something alien & parasitic for me. I will not approach it as a human, a child, or "the baby."

Visually, I'm going to keep this pretty minimalist. There will be a "grid" of thin red lines going through. For me they represent contractions...the entire painting being representative of a womb. The fetus is isolated and very small, to the far right of the painting. Driving home the point of the NONjoys of children (personal perspective). It will be as viewed landscape.

WHEEE!@!!!



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stephenshanabrook.com

stephenshanabrook.com

This month I've learned (or, am learning) that I can trust myself as a single woman.
Being in a relationship for so long has crippled me in numerous ways. I don't mean emotionally.

I know that I've fallen far behind my peers as far as experience and being "loose..." whatever that means. I won't go into details, but most people would be surprised about how little I know about ANYTHING.

I have not experienced what rejection is.
Basically, I don't know the ropes.
But I am learning. Quickly.

I've proven to myself that it wasn't just the relationship I was in that kept me from hooking up with any dude at a party. Not that I have anything against that behavior (seriously, right on). In that respect I'm just not fun, and that's fine by me.
I always had an expectation of myself while in my relationship that I wouldn't be that girl anyway. But when I finally became single, I wasn't sure if I could prove myself right.
Without really trying, I definitely have.

I've also successfully put myself in a situation that I am becoming increasingly comfortable and happy with. Taking things not slow, but actually nowhere. Until maybe things go somewhere, which they may never (good possibility of that). Except that it's fine and in the open either way and really good.


endpost.

That's all I needed. I feel better now.

Recently, someone told me that one way he had of coping with things was to pretend they were not happening.
At the time, I thought this wasn't a logical idea, but I'm starting to feel like it's the only option. I have enough faith in myself that if I freeze up my emotions I'll figure out some way of thawing back out later. Survival mode, right?

I do not think free transit 2009 exists.

I get disappointed easily.
When I was in a serious relationship, one of my catalysts for getting out were empty promises.
I don't miss empty promises.

Hi it's such a good thing that practically nobody reads this because it reflects the CRAZIEST aspects of who I am.
I just wanted to add that it isn't that I'm angry, I'm just lonely. These things happen.

1. Don't tell a girl she's ugly. Period.
2. Don't tell a girl she is stupid
3. Don't make a girl question her character by listing her every flaw
4. Don't tease
5. Don't tell a girl you love her unless you mean it.

I WRITE IN CAPS BECAUSE I AM PASSIONATE. And also, possibly one of those crazy bitches I'm always hearing about, which is unfortunate because I feel like they are squares.

Also also, gaining weight daily. Horrible.

LOVE YOU ALL I GUESS<3

What the FUCK. Dudes just say shit because they think it's funny because they know ladies take it to heart. People are so fucked up.
No one knows how to act or behave and no one knows how to get rid of these people who are so destructive.
How can I make them GO AWAY

HI THAT MOVIE SAY ANYTHING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT

I read time and again that there is no definite set of rules defining what makes a person a feminist. However, I disagree that women who consider themselves strict feminists are not necessarily NOT judging girls who choose to ignore the movement. Does that even make sense? I feel like a certain sense of distaste is conveyed when another woman seems to be breaking these "nonexistent rules" of being a feminist. I guess feeling distaste toward a fellow woman for her chosen lifestyle would be considered breaking the rules though.
...
Half of the time, and for a number of reasons, I feel like I am breaking the rules. I feel like if my feminist peers know too much about me and my insecurities and how silly I am about boys, I would no longer be considered a serious part of the "club." I would discover the rules by breaking them.

Anyway, for months now I've been wrestling with the question of whether I should allow the attention of a dude I like make me feel good about myself. Is it fair to say that I can't HELP but feel good about it? I'm not saying I'm surprised by it, or desperate to keep it (although that would be wondrous). But if it's the right kind of guy, the kind who has no expectations of changing the way I am or the way I look because we've known each other for years, is it okay then?
If anyone makes me feel good about being me, which is rare, I guess it's a good thing. The gender shouldn't really matter then.

I'm sorry that this post is disjointed. I could take it a lot farther than I'm willing to at the moment. Or ever. (as usual).

My blog has quickly become just a reflection of my thought fragments, rather than my whole thoughts. Jotting it all down here. Won't make sense half the time. Sorry.


endpost.

I don't want any fucking dudes in my head unless they want to be there. HOW DO THESE THINGS COME TO BE. OUCH. :(((

At my house, we single ladies (which is all four of us, btw) throw a ball at our physical tape embodiment of love. BITTER BITCHES. FUN GAME.

PERIODS SUCK. WTF.

Also, not funny: riding my bike up hills with gears that tease me but don't actually work BOO:(
I found a secret route today though, so I think the embarrassment when I zigzag up hills with my super heavy bike should be eliminated for the most part.

I could barely do my photo project today because I had some sort of freakish mental wall that made me cry and call my mom like a little baby. I hate it when people cry. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. I'll blame it on the estrogen (lame, I know).

I hate homework and I should have dropped out of school or never come in the first place. If this were Junior year I would def take mental leave. Seriously. Cannot HANDLE THIS SHIT anymore



endpost.

Wait, so why aren't more girls who are sexually active on the pill??

I have a date for prom.
I asked him.
I feel pretty good about it.

The last thing I wanna do right now is read your stupid poetry

Why can't you just tell me what you really wanna say?

You'd clear your conscience with words so weak and empty

But something in your eyes gave you away

And I've been lonely like a silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me like a silhouette or a serenade

Is this all you have to say this broken boy would hang on every word

You tell me that you need me while I slowly fall apart

You'd heal your heartache with words so cool and callous

But the absence of your tears gave you away

And I've been lonely like a silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me like a silhouette or a serenade

And all pretty poems have to end

So I say this before I leave

If words are your weapons my dear I surrender, surrender

silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me to you

No one deserves to feel guilty about jumping ship before anything is concrete anyway. I live for myself, which is selfish by another word that might not exist. I can pick and choose where I would like to be, and what I believe in. I can select freely who I wish to be a part of my life...I can dictate how much that person will be around. I am in control where I need to be, I am not in control where I need to be.
I feel guilty about being in control

i dry my eye, dry my eye
falling deeper by the hour
dry my eye
dry my eye, dry my eye
don't let me fall deeper now
dry my eye..

get it out

Happy with my night, in retrospect. I'm impressed by the care being taken.
Feelings existing for years, taken slow when given the chance.
This is the right way to go about things.

All the wrong fucking people at the wrong fucking times.

Cold bed

What girl doesn't want a relationship?



Me

weirdo

I was just thinking about how grateful I am to live with people who are just really good people and have problems and admit it, just like I do.
I'm grateful because they welcomed me with open arms when they didn't have to, no questions asked.
They let me be a part of their pack
I think this is a rare thing.

I like being liked, I don't want to be loved.
I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, I just want to act.



Animals flock to fresh meat.

My homework from Venus this week is to figure out where the panic attacks are coming from and how I work through them. Easier said than done, since they don't even seem real once they're over. Can't it just be as simple as they go away because that's how time works?
I'm not sure that's the answer she's looking for.

I'm also supposed to write nice things to myself in my diary, instead of what I write now. Only a possibility at this point. Haha.


Wednesdays=0 Sunlight Hours Boo:(

endpost.

First day of counseling tomorrow.

Pick pick picking pick pick. Recede. Stop.
Pick pick. Stop.
Pick pick pick pick. Recede. Stop.
Pick.

I had this dream that I was trapped. Elevator. Doors closed, no escape in sight. Loss of breath, air, loss of logic and sensibility. Animal panic. Dreams magnifying daylight emotions.

Play it Cool- Text snubbing

I won't go into any sort of detail about our Era and digital technology and advancements and what not.
All I want to know is why I (and maybe you) value texting conversations so much.
For me, not responding to a text is a sort of insult. It also hurts my feelings, depending on who it comes from (mostly boys).
I just can't imagine myself not responding to a message someone has sent me, unless I didn't want that person to be a part of my life. Especially if someone has messaged me a question.
What good does it get us to ignore people via text?

Or really, what good does it get us to get upset about people ignoring texts?

Single life is fun and exciting but it's turned me into a total love SQUARE.



ENDPOST.

A Series of Small Kisses

The rules may not be certain, but there are rules. "Hooking up" with a guy at a party has become such common practice for most that it may or may not mean anything and it doesn't really matter either way. It's for fun and it probably isn't anything too serious.
Of course, I have almost no experience in this particular practice, so who am I to say? Maybe I'm getting it wrong.
I mean, I'm sure there are feelings involved. At the very least, sexually involved emotions.

Anyway, the reason I mention this is because I'm wondering what a series of small kisses could mean?
Why do some people opt out of a full on and very attainable make-out session and choose these gentler kisses instead? Are these kisses more special because they are so uncommon? Do they mean more, if anything?

Advanced Painting and My Feminist Philosophies

I am PUMPED PUMPED PUMPED for my advanced painting course. I had the first class this morning. It's a small studio class, with only 7 other women. I think it is going to be an incredible learning experience, as well as a convenient time for exploration of self.

My teacher wants us to develop ideas about where our paintings will take us throughout the semester. Naturally, my first thoughts were to center my pieces around feminism and my feminist philosophy.
For my first painting I am going to do an exploration on the very huge and very bizarre issue of WHY someone else gets to decide what women do with their bodies.

What makes it bizarre is that those "someone elses" are generally older white males who are not having children anytime soon and are MALES. These are the people suggesting and enforcing laws that prevent young women from exercising their personal rights. Totally gross and scary. Ouch.

In the painting I am going to do my best to allude to something uterine and possibly the idea of woman as just a "carrier" who is being dehumanized. The latter might be reserved for a second painting however, because that is its own separate issue.

Anyway, I think that this is going to be GREAT GREAT OPPORTUNITY for me to learn something about myself, learn a lot about other people, and really solidify how I feel about most things concerning feminism and the right to choice.

WORD.

Anyway-- I'd like all of your opinions and suggestions on ways to approach these ideas.

As a general list, I've written down certain things that I would like to create a visual "conversation" about. Such as my own feelings on pregnancy, the idea of overpopulation and the wrongs of having too many children, an exploration of what life is and who deserves to be honored in life, SOMETHING about Gray's Anatomy and approaching the uterus/fetus/embryo from a strictly scientific standpoint.

Basically: CHOICE.

What are ya'll thinking?? Criticisms or applaud are welcome. SERIOUSLY. If my paintings could also convey the feelings of others that would be a wonder...
;)

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