Tuesday, June 30, 2009

First Reunion

Seeing Brian was better than I could have expected. It was relaxed and easy, guiltless and full of light conversation.
It was just as good as any reunion between two people who get along and who have played a major role in each others' lives. Most importantly, it opened the door for us to pursue a friendship. This is something that I need in order to cope with the loss of what was once my entire life and a person who was supposed to be my future. We hadn't talked since the breakup, but if we really are "meant to be" someday, a friendship will help that be possible. I wouldn't expect this to happen though, unless it was at least two years down the road and consisted of us starting over as if we had never been together in the first place (courting one another all over again, going on dates). In essence, we would need to "relearn" each other.

At first I was not sure we should meet at all, which I mentioned in a post the day he sent the message that he would like to talk with me. I didn't want to see him and have an emotional freakout about how much I missed him and forget myself again, forget why we were over in the first place. The fact that the day was so enjoyable doesn't help, but it doesn't mean too much either. We did not always get along so well while dating. We were impatient and rude with one another, holding each other down because of some hidden resentment for not being perfect. At least from my perspective. Fortunately, my doubts are slowly receding (could I already be moving out of this terrible phase of the breakup?).
Also, reunions tend to cast a more formal glow on conversation, especially when you are busy making sure you aren't hurting the feelings of the person who you've already wounded deeply. They are nice and refreshing, but not necessarily "real."

Anyway, I do not regret seeing him. My mom made a good point of saying that us seeing each other again is something that should happen- We aren't mad at each other, so why should we behave as if we are? If anything, we miss each other desperately. This is a person I talked to at least twice a day on the phone or in person with for the past 5 years...we grew up together. How can I just leave that behind? Family is family, no matter what the circumstances.

The depression and anxiety have not left me completely, but this is most likely an issue I will have for a very long time. Possibly life, since things like that apparently run in my family (thanks dad). If I've learned anything it's that I have a lot of learning to do in regards to myself. My emotions tell me to find something safe and loving, but that is obviously not what I need. Relying on someone else will never get me anywhere in life. Except for possibly divorced when I am middle-aged, leaving me to start all over again completely by myself.

Life. Comment.





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Sunday, June 28, 2009

GAY PRIDE 09/My Idols of Feminism

This year, I proudly attended my first Pride Festival in NYC. Let me tell you: this experience was amazing.
Some highlights were that sexy gay men pranced about in American Apparel underwear squirting water on each other and dancing (strip-style), DANIELLE FROM HOUSEWIVES WAS THERE, SO WAS THE CAST OF DANCING WITH THE STARS <3 SHERYL BURKE, and I saw the mayor: saw someone yell at the mayor to "go home!".
There were tons of drag queens (what would it be without them), music, dancing, and RAINBOWS.

My absolute favorite thing was the beginning of the parade.
It started off with over 100 lesbians on motorcycles. I was totally head-over-heels for this. Getting my motorcycle license is an idea I have toyed with (minimally), so seeing these hundreds of women, who actually did it, on their Harleys and Kawasakis was inspiring. For the first time since I began reading about feminism, I was face to face with the women I was reading about. These were truly liberated women! I honestly cannot convey how exciting the experience of these women was for me. I was finally seeing REAL FEMINISM. They were so natural and comfortable with themselves in a society that does not like lesbians and does not like women. They came in all shapes and sizes and I think it would have been a challenge for anybody to look at them and not love everything they stood for: that being freedom. And I am positive that if someone did not love them, they would suck it up and deal.
I need more images like this in my life, to remind me that it's alright to just be. Easier said than done?
Anyway, it was a beautiful day for a rainbow parade, and this was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.





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Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Sympathy Card

Nothing offends me more than girls who try to "reach out" to me by feeling sorry for me. Not empathizing with me, feeling sorry for me.
I would like women who feel the need to feel bad for the single girls exactly what is so wrong about being single? Probably just the lies that society has fed to us about being destined to nurture a husband and kids.
I've already strayed from that path since, at least for now, I have no desire for children. That means I do not need to have a husband hooked at this very moment. At 21-years old.
We all think we are very wise and adult, and maybe we are. But in years we are still of the youth generation, and that's a good thing. It means we have more time to learn, and make mistakes, and get caught up in our own lives before we are expected to get caught up in our jobs or (for those of us who want it) our families.

The point is, I don't feel sorry for myself so I do not need girls who are in relationships to make me feel badly about absolutely nothing. No one is above (or below) me. This is America, being single at 21 with no prospects of a relationship anytime soon does not make me a spinster or an old maid destined for a life of loneliness.

I would rather be alone than be in a relationship that has become broken. Period.







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Friday, June 26, 2009

Temporary Fix

All my life I've had this nagging suspicion that when I think things, they almost always happen.

Yesterday, I thought about Brian and how I hadn't heard from him and how it would be nice to see him but it was probably for the better this way. How am I supposed to find "me" if I have someone who requires attention away from myself and can only bring confusion.

Anyway, he contacted me today while I was at work. He wants to talk. I said yes. How can you deny someone who has been such an important part of your life for so long?
Was it the wrong thing to do? Probably. But it felt good at the time...we'll see how things go tomorrow.
He is escorting me to my nose piercing and I guess some lunch.

What the fuck am I supposed to think? I want someone to tell me what to do. Then I wouldn't have to care about feelings and soulmates and the perfect match and all of the bullshit that comes with choice.



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The Immigrant Game

Last night on my run (I was walking...), I heard these two boys in the yard next to me. They were obviously playing some sort of game where they lived in a world of fantasy.
One of the rules of the game was that they had to enter their world by walking into it at a specific point. If they did not enter through this point, they would be considered illegal immigrants. Uhoh.

Kids. (?)






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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Listed below are lyrics by ABBA,"S.O.S," a song that is appropriate to my mood. They may be "camp," but sometimes they just tell it how it is. !
Break ups SUCK. Break ups from the guy you were supposed to marry once upon a 5 year young love is even worse.
Symptoms:
-Not being able to listen to songs that concern one person leaving another behind (since the person leaving is me. I don't need the added guilt).
-Today at play practice someone told me I looked "sad." Albeit, he was an annoying 12-year old, but it made me need to run out of the theater and catch my breath. Anxiety attacks. Bad sign.

So!The lyrics to this song were one catalyst that made me realize my relationship was no longer right for me. One day I found myself singing them passionately in the car, and had to stop and ask myself, "why?". (I've decided to be candid about this breakup process here. Because a)why not? b) maybe someone will respond).

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?



Anyway. I feel like I'm suffocating without my other half, but such is life. (?)



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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

V-DAY

http://zack16.com/category/profile/

Someone please watch the show that is attached to that link... *If that isn't enough to convince you, consider this: it's about a teenage boy who wakes up one morning with a female genitalia rather than male*

Watching it, I am pretty much at a loss for what to think. On the one hand, it definitely has its amusing moments, its convenient to watch because all of the episodes are under 4 minutes long, and its something very different.

From a different perspective, it may (or may not) be considered mildly offensive to women. I try not to be overtly sensitive about things like this, but I have been doing a lot of reading and reading changes the way you think, whether you'd like it to or not.

I have this nagging suspicion that these episodes are actually intended to be the opposite of offensive....Like: Go women!or something. I do not know if the creator of this blog is a man or a woman (or maybe it's actually Zack?..not) but I think that whoever it belongs to is actually trying to reach out to women. Possibly calm us down from the resentments we may bear toward men who "just don't get it" by showing us a poor teenage boy who is forced to. ? Maybe it is making a statement about gender-confusion: subtly telling its viewers that transgenders really do connect with the gender dictated by their minds, not their bodies (in this case, Zack relates to his male side although his genitals are of the female variety).

Off the bat, I do like the show. I have a tendency to always like new things...
It's just that something about it just doesn't sit right with me , and I cannot figure out what it is.
I'm thinking that it might be the following :
Stereotypes about being female. Some of the stereotypes used are amusing, and all of them are harmless. Many of them are devastatingly base and annoying. Instead of reaching out to women by using stereotypes about women, why not try relating to what real females think and feel, rather than what "girlygirls" try to tell everyone we think and feel? Makes sense?

Disclaimer: As a woman and a minority, I do not let stereotypes ruin my day. If I did, I would have a very miserable life. I'm not sensitive in that way.
However. In this case I am just trying to get to the bottom of my general discomfort with this show.

Although possibly it could be as simple as I think it's freaking weird that this male now has a vagina.? maybe not.


Lastly, I have to applaud the "Help Me!" section of the site. I think it is a great resource for young girls to either share their personal knowledge with one another, or learn information about their own bodies by other girls' shared experiences.

Anyway, stranger friend or foe- tell me what you think.



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Thursday, June 18, 2009

I wish that there were less of a "gap" between generations. With each new generation, we are moved further from our ancestral past: which for our society does not exist. Which is weird.

But really the reason I wish for this is because I want to know if the generations before my own ever experienced the sensation that every single person who was a part of that generation was just "not okay."
Is it because our generation has finally reached the point of really having nothing wrong in our lives, so we turn to mental weakness? Every single person in my life has some huge mental wall working against him or her. There's always something, even when it isn't obvious.
It freaks me out, and because of the generation-gaps, I don't even know how much I can look to the generation before for advice. Unfounded trust issues? The insistence that "no one gets it?"

Either way, this gap (real or imagined) has lead me to turn to people my own age, which has lead me to count more on myself than on what an authority figure in my life has to say.

Anyway, I'm babbling and I don't feel well.
So here is what I know:
I can't trust myself
I possibly can't trust the generation before mine
I can trust my generation, but who are they getting their information from?
We all have something wrong with us.






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Thursday, June 11, 2009

This summer is the oddest and most emotional summer I have experienced since I went through puberty. Ha! I do admit that even at the worst of times, I do not regret any decisions I have made or the exhaustion that comes from being emotional constantly.
I heard it in some song that Niki showed me that riding emotions like this doesn't always feel great, but it means you are living.
Something like that. Whatever it is, it's true.

So I've started working! Today is my 4th day. For those of you who are residential and reading this : come by Cafe Verde on South Main Street for breakfast, lunch, or dinner! Probably not dinner if you're under the age of 25 and not on a date though.

Anyway, I love my job. I'm a waitress-in-training but I've learned a lot and retained the information every day.
So far, I haven't earned any less than $10/hour, which is nice considering the diminished state of my bank account....not that it's appropriate to write about how much I make, but no one reads this anyway.
The restaurant is mostly locals, so at times they are more forgiving than usual. For now, I'm just a bit awkward because I feel like I am performing but don't know my lines.
Maybe when I learn the specials?


Up too early, work at 11, excited for the dinner party Saturday:)



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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Road

Our road trip was absolutely perfect, and only like $50 more than I wanted to spend.
My favorite part was definitely Acadia, ME. For those of you who love hiking or camping or being outside: visit Acadia.
For those who love hiking and being outside but not camping: still go! There is a cute town called Bar Harbor with inns and stuff, and other inns around the national park.
There are free guided tours and the one we took was absolutely breath taking.

In other news: being single is just so worthless when you feel attached to someone anyway. Whatever. Being home and alone away from boys helps things, even though it leaves my mind to wander in the strangest directions.

Niki and I got a job at Cafe Verde in downtown Pburg but have yet to get our schedules and so I am the poorest I have ever been in my entire life. I have no savings. Gh.



Working out like a fiend, seeing results at day 6: what a relief.




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