I found this from about a month ago. Heavily edited for this heeeere

"6/21/06. He called me fat again.

Touch face and wrists to indicate weight.
Walking, feel every ounce. With the awareness comes disgust & nausea at my lack of control over myself.
Fat on face, neck, midriff

Why did I allow myself to put that into my body?
It's destructive, I'm a bad feminist, I should try harder, enemy food, hunger is power.
Control. Happiness. Safety.
Off-kilter with a full stomach. Bile at the thought. I slip up, I consume- start from the top.
Can't face it naked, a gross truth: I am too substantial.
Think about it think about it
think think pick
I just really want something to control.
And when I enjoy food, it's only because I have failed.
6.21.06. It wasn't the only time."




endpost.