THANKS PAUL THIS MADE MY MORNIN<3

Ok im still buzzed from jenny's so I hope this is as entertaining for you to read as was for me to write!!! wowwowwowwow...

i just got back from the last Christmas of the 00s!!!! I'm sure by now you've heard of the highlights in the news such as the foiled terrorist plot in Detroit and the attack on the Pope during the Vatican's midnight mass (praise allah).

I decided to tell you all about Aunt Kathy tonight because as an a outsider, you possess an certain objectivity that I lack.

First of all I must get this out of the way, she is a stupid bitch and is now the queen, no wait the empress, of the assholes!!!!!

I decided to do unto her as I would not like her to do unto me. I did not hug her or wish her a merry christmas, but I made a big deal about doing it to everyone else. also I refused to talk to her unless she directly talked to me. and when I was talking to everyone, I specifically avoided eye contact with her.

She was sick and coughed on me i swear it, which is basically a declaration of biological warfare. Also, she kept rubbing in to Aunt Rosemary that Michelle is living with her and they are the best of friends (dont worry, Michelle herself was very well dressed tonight).

Then later that night I put my drink down, it was this fabulous wine that we absolutely must drink, next to Aunt troll Kathy and when I came back it was half empty. and then when i was talking to jenny about this new cher song-well, new to me-called All I Really Wanna Do, Aunt Igor Kathy said that she hates cher and that she's manly and classless (it takes one to know one). And you know, aunt poop kathy could use some of cher's plastic surgery so whatever!

I promised jenny and michael that I would just turn the other cheek like jesus-who-was-born-on-this-very-day because this is the first Chirstmas that they are hosting (I really feel in my gut that they will get a divorce).

So that was really put to the test when we were all looking at old pictures and my Aunt trashbag Kathy said that looking at old pictures of Jake and I are not the same as looking at old pictures of Jenny and Michelle (just so you know, I saw this wondrous picture of me in jenny's photo album-by far the best one yet-so I stole it. I think I deserve it, you know?)

Also at one point we were all talking about our pets and she mentioned her devil dog, sonny. a little while afterwards I mentioned that earlier today sammy landed all on some windex and I had to save him-oo stef let me tell you, it was touch and go for a minute there and i feared for sammy's poor little life because he refused to let me hold him under the kitchen faucet to wash the the windex off. how dare he I was trying to save his life?!-and my half Itlalian half bitch aunt said that she views birds as one step above rats. Ugh, as if! sammy is not even a rat, and he's much more classy than a pidgeon, which everybody knows is the rat of birds. I just told her that sammy is half the bird that she'll ever be just to keep things light but still!!!

Yet I have to say I was overjoyed when I overheard her tell jenny that she considers herself as the family nuisance. My dad got mad at me for feeling this way but whatever! if he disagrees then he can join his wretched sister-in-law in the asshole camp!

So basically I came to the conclusion that the best thing to do is forget about her as a human being

Oh and I know that it was nice that jenny gave you a gift and everything but seriously what the hell?? do not I deserve a gift as well...or two...or three? She totally knows me way longer!!!