There's this song I keep listening to called "Home" by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes. This song is awesome, because it's about the strongest love two people can share. And I'm pretty sure (I hope) the man and woman singing it are actually in love with one another.
It's folky and adorable and just !!!.

However.
It scares the shit out of me because I don't know if I am ever ever ever going to find love like this. And if I don't find love like that, it means I've only found "love" that's not worth having. After convincing myself of true love in my old relationship for so long, I no longer trust love. At all. Do I even believe in it? Maybe it's a lot harder to come by than previously understood. I've already mentioned here many times that I can't trust myself either.
So who can I trust? I can't trust any partner I come by, because they may tire of us the way I tired of us.

On another, similar note. I do think that love can be found amongst friends who have loved as friends for many years and shared memories completely unromantically. I might even think this is the best way to find love.

And also. An issue which has seriously begun to piss me off::
Something I've learned in college is that I am completely naive in recognizing the intentions of most guys who cross my path. Since freshman year, I have found that a lot of dudes make a huge effort to develop a very personal, intimate friendship with me. One where we can talk about life and philosophy and whatever.
Every single time a guy has reached out to me in this way, I have accepted his friendship as just that : friendship.
Every single time a guy realizes that is all I am offering, he's out.
This. is. completely. unfair. And also really fucked up.
I know about myself that I invest a shit ton of devotion into every friendship I make that is new or old. So for these people to just up and LEAVE pisses me off SO. MUCH.
!!!!!
It just goes back to the idea that I, as a female, owe something to my male counterparts. Which I do not. When dudes ditch me like that, it makes me feel guity, like I've done something wrong. Which I realize is completely false. Why do so many dudes offer their "friendship" under the guise of friendship? Any time I've experienced this, I was never told that I was supposed to be some romantic interest. Half the times it's happened, I've had a boyfriend. So what the fuck!? WHAT?
Does this mean that my friendship holds NO value to heterosexual males just because I am a single girl not looking to sack any fucking dude who comes my way???

What the hell dudes.

It's happened twice in this apartment already, with my roommates and myself.
And it makes me fucking SICK




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