:
:
^Obviously every piercing I've had done was in preparation for this costume.
Also, my hair is about 3000x longer than I could have ever believed.
endpost.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
For the past month or so I've really been struggling with the idea of marriage.
Until that time, I. loved. marriage. And weddings. Now I'm a little bit grossed out by all of it.
Obviously, I have always been mortified at the injustice of banning homosexuals from the institution of marriage. But recently, that feeling grew HUGE until I just got so disgusted at the thought of celebrating my wedding with people who can't celebrate theirs.
Freaks me out. A lot. I wanted to scream and shout.
Anyway. I also came to this weird life conclusion that I am never going to find someone. I am, however, anticipating a good deal of "great loves."
Possibly, this is my way of protecting my lonely lil' heart from itself.
Possibly not.
It's just so much better to not have the expectation of being married. Because if I expect myself to, and then I don't.... I'll just hate myself so much. SO much
This is kind of like when I realized I was never going to be a teacher because I fucking hate children andddd teenagers anddd parents andddd I felt a lot better about having a sort of aimless future full of art and part-time jobs, rather than forcing myself into this square shaped existence that I don't quite fit into.
....This whole love(S) thing has made me feel a lot better about, at least in that department. Because I can't even fathom ever finding someone who would love me enough and in that way I guess. (Trust issue?) So. They can all just leave me when they feel free to be free. This philosophy makes me feel a lot more comfortable and perfect in the situation I'm in right now.
If I always anticipate the end, then maybe I will be okay when it comes? Since it isn't actually an end to anything at all.
so ignorance is bliss now
so there's that
that's that
So anyway, I guess I'll lighten the mood now with this really pretty triptych.
endpost.
Until that time, I. loved. marriage. And weddings. Now I'm a little bit grossed out by all of it.
Obviously, I have always been mortified at the injustice of banning homosexuals from the institution of marriage. But recently, that feeling grew HUGE until I just got so disgusted at the thought of celebrating my wedding with people who can't celebrate theirs.
Freaks me out. A lot. I wanted to scream and shout.
Anyway. I also came to this weird life conclusion that I am never going to find someone. I am, however, anticipating a good deal of "great loves."
Possibly, this is my way of protecting my lonely lil' heart from itself.
Possibly not.
It's just so much better to not have the expectation of being married. Because if I expect myself to, and then I don't.... I'll just hate myself so much. SO much
This is kind of like when I realized I was never going to be a teacher because I fucking hate children andddd teenagers anddd parents andddd I felt a lot better about having a sort of aimless future full of art and part-time jobs, rather than forcing myself into this square shaped existence that I don't quite fit into.
....This whole love(S) thing has made me feel a lot better about, at least in that department. Because I can't even fathom ever finding someone who would love me enough and in that way I guess. (Trust issue?) So. They can all just leave me when they feel free to be free. This philosophy makes me feel a lot more comfortable and perfect in the situation I'm in right now.
If I always anticipate the end, then maybe I will be okay when it comes? Since it isn't actually an end to anything at all.
so ignorance is bliss now
so there's that
that's that
So anyway, I guess I'll lighten the mood now with this really pretty triptych.
endpost.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
You hate me because I know more about living than you do. And I barely know how to live. And at least I'm trying.
AND YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU EVEN FUCKING BOTHERED.
HATE ME
HATE ME
HATE ME
And so I guess I'm saying that my whole being now is just trying to find people who matter.
Since you ain't worth a shit
AND YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU EVEN FUCKING BOTHERED.
HATE ME
HATE ME
HATE ME
And so I guess I'm saying that my whole being now is just trying to find people who matter.
Since you ain't worth a shit
Hey so yeah I'm a senior and yeah I think I'm switching minors cool.
Women's studies. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEMOMANDDAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It would mean. a . fucking. lot. The world actually. Since it pertains to my art which pertains to my happiness, which is sort of everything. Right???
endpost.
Women's studies. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEMOMANDDAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It would mean. a . fucking. lot. The world actually. Since it pertains to my art which pertains to my happiness, which is sort of everything. Right???
endpost.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I guess I was dumb for thinking that CVS would call me when my prescription was filled? Even though I gave them my digits? I dungetit.
Cruise today! OFF CAMPUS! I didn't almost get hit by a car, which was pretty cool. I did almost die by suffocation though. Nostril situation: both are now clogged. I'm sleepy and cloudyyyy in da head. Also, I can't taste food! So that's cool. I almost (ALMOST BUT NOT REALLY) wish I could stay tasteless foreverrrr. Cause then I'd have no reason to eat except for when I was sincerely hungry. Never. happening. in. this lifetime. BOO.
Got a hold of Karen O and the Kids today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHERETHEWILDTHINGSARESOUNDTRACK.
I<3 it a lot.
Can I make pictures I take into postcards? How does that even work? I'm not gonna' do it cause the pictures are mine. I want em. I was just thinking about it. Let me know.
endpost.
Cruise today! OFF CAMPUS! I didn't almost get hit by a car, which was pretty cool. I did almost die by suffocation though. Nostril situation: both are now clogged. I'm sleepy and cloudyyyy in da head. Also, I can't taste food! So that's cool. I almost (ALMOST BUT NOT REALLY) wish I could stay tasteless foreverrrr. Cause then I'd have no reason to eat except for when I was sincerely hungry. Never. happening. in. this lifetime. BOO.
Got a hold of Karen O and the Kids today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHERETHEWILDTHINGSARESOUNDTRACK.
I<3 it a lot.
Can I make pictures I take into postcards? How does that even work? I'm not gonna' do it cause the pictures are mine. I want em. I was just thinking about it. Let me know.
endpost.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I'm congested in just one nostril. UNATTRACTIVE. I'm inclined to blame my nose ring.
My external harddrive rebelled this weekend thanks to probably having the computer being overheated and then shut down improperly. I should take better care of my things. Good news is, I don't differentiate between what I buy and what someone else buys. Maybe that's bad news. I'll lean toward saying I take better care of things that other people buy me, but I'll admit it's only temporary. I love my shit, it's fine.
Pretty solid weekend, even though I was feeling moody. Not my fault. Seriously.
Dr J in the morning, I DON'T WANNA I HATE HER
My external harddrive rebelled this weekend thanks to probably having the computer being overheated and then shut down improperly. I should take better care of my things. Good news is, I don't differentiate between what I buy and what someone else buys. Maybe that's bad news. I'll lean toward saying I take better care of things that other people buy me, but I'll admit it's only temporary. I love my shit, it's fine.
Pretty solid weekend, even though I was feeling moody. Not my fault. Seriously.
Dr J in the morning, I DON'T WANNA I HATE HER
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I'm reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand and I think it's pretty great. I can't get to the bottom of why I love something that business-men love? How do I have anything in common with business-men? I'm scared a little bit. I guess it doesn't matter, I love the bitch I don't givafuck.
I had to get blood work yesterday morning. My arm bruised from it so now it looks like I'm an insane person. Fine I guess.
Being bolstered into happiness by something I'm not supposed to feel. It's been a long long time
endpost.
I had to get blood work yesterday morning. My arm bruised from it so now it looks like I'm an insane person. Fine I guess.
Being bolstered into happiness by something I'm not supposed to feel. It's been a long long time
endpost.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
No walls can keep me protected,
No sleet - nothing between me and the rain.
And you can't save me now, I'm in the grip of a hurricane.
I'm going to blow myself away
I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse
No home, don't want shelter
No calm, nothing to keep me from the storm
And you can't hold me down, 'cause I belong to the hurricane
It's going to blow this all away
I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse
I hope that you see me, 'cause I'm staring at you
But when you look over, you look right through
Then you lean and kiss her on the head
And I never felt so alive and so dead
I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
I'm going out..
And in the crowd I see you with someone else
I brace myself 'cause I know it's going to hurt
I'm going out x6
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
I might stay out longer then,
I left a light on for you then.
If you show, you show.
If you show you show.
When I feel like this,
When I get so into myself,
I lose track of where I'm going then,
Lose track of how to get going again,
Feel myself slowing down,
Fell myself turning round,
Is this taken?
When I feel like this,
When I get so sick of myself,
Where are you going then?
Without me and not knowing then,
That we're slowing down,
You've got to turn right around,
And tell me that I'm taken then,
Tell me if I'm yours,
You collapse.
The pressure of this life is so,
You can't be held accountable.
If you go, you go.
If you go you go.
When you act like this,
When you get so sick of yourself,
The whole world falls away.
In a sense, I feel like I have only missed,
The feeling that I'm here again,
The feeling that I'm clear again,
I'm not taken.
When you act like this,
When you get so into yourself,
I lose sight of common goals and letting go,
So I can be all alone.
Feel myself going slow,
Feel myself letting go.
Not taken,
Not feeling like I'm yours.
Taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
This life looks like a sentence,
Though a constant game of falling short.
If you know, you know.
If you know, you know.
When I feel like this,
When I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.
Isn't right for me.
I never fight to see,
If coming clean would get to me.
I feel myself holding back,
I feel the pressure,
It's finally back,
I'm taken.
When you felt like this,
When you saw it all come crashing down.
Subtle but not underground,
I was there,
I saw the signs,
I saw unfair,
And so I wrote to you,
Through other means.
I let myself finally feel taken,
Like I was yours.
Taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
I collapse.
I collapse.
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
I might stay out longer then,
I left a light on for you then.
If you show, you show.
If you show you show.
When I feel like this,
When I get so into myself,
I lose track of where I'm going then,
Lose track of how to get going again,
Feel myself slowing down,
Fell myself turning round,
Is this taken?
When I feel like this,
When I get so sick of myself,
Where are you going then?
Without me and not knowing then,
That we're slowing down,
You've got to turn right around,
And tell me that I'm taken then,
Tell me if I'm yours,
You collapse.
The pressure of this life is so,
You can't be held accountable.
If you go, you go.
If you go you go.
When you act like this,
When you get so sick of yourself,
The whole world falls away.
In a sense, I feel like I have only missed,
The feeling that I'm here again,
The feeling that I'm clear again,
I'm not taken.
When you act like this,
When you get so into yourself,
I lose sight of common goals and letting go,
So I can be all alone.
Feel myself going slow,
Feel myself letting go.
Not taken,
Not feeling like I'm yours.
Taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you show, you show)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (If you go, you go)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
This life looks like a sentence,
Though a constant game of falling short.
If you know, you know.
If you know, you know.
When I feel like this,
When I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.
Isn't right for me.
I never fight to see,
If coming clean would get to me.
I feel myself holding back,
I feel the pressure,
It's finally back,
I'm taken.
When you felt like this,
When you saw it all come crashing down.
Subtle but not underground,
I was there,
I saw the signs,
I saw unfair,
And so I wrote to you,
Through other means.
I let myself finally feel taken,
Like I was yours.
Taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel sick)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I'm taken, I am yours, (I feel)
I'm up and doing circles.
I collapse.
I collapse.
I collapse.
I have a headache, but I refuse to call it hungover. I'll attribute it to serious lack of sleep.
This semester, music has suddenly become for me what books were this summer. I am living vicariously through song so I don't have to think my own thoughts. Yay!
Anyway, I guess I'm sort of enabling myself about stupid things and I know I shouldn't do things like that but I can't take control of myself and so it's fine.
I lost my debit card yesterday, which is really dumb. It's like the 17th time or something. Seriously. Anyway, I lost it immediately after making a cash withdrawal using the card so. That sucks.
I ordered a new one this morning from a pretty unprofessional dude. He was pretty cool I guess. Also, if you need help ordering a new card: don't sweat it, I got your back
This semester, music has suddenly become for me what books were this summer. I am living vicariously through song so I don't have to think my own thoughts. Yay!
Anyway, I guess I'm sort of enabling myself about stupid things and I know I shouldn't do things like that but I can't take control of myself and so it's fine.
I lost my debit card yesterday, which is really dumb. It's like the 17th time or something. Seriously. Anyway, I lost it immediately after making a cash withdrawal using the card so. That sucks.
I ordered a new one this morning from a pretty unprofessional dude. He was pretty cool I guess. Also, if you need help ordering a new card: don't sweat it, I got your back
Friday, October 16, 2009
I can always tell when it's coming back
Tightening of chest, loss of breath, back down the slide
The freak comes from nowhere, but I can feel it now when it gets here. It's manifested into something physical, something that hurts. It focuses on my chest, short of breath, ouch
I'm terrified, above all things. Crying won't fix it, but it's a relief to get something out.
I can't stop the freak
Tightening of chest, loss of breath, back down the slide
The freak comes from nowhere, but I can feel it now when it gets here. It's manifested into something physical, something that hurts. It focuses on my chest, short of breath, ouch
I'm terrified, above all things. Crying won't fix it, but it's a relief to get something out.
I can't stop the freak
Where the Wild Things Are
WATCH IT.
It reminded me of how wild we are. And how we're not really allowed to be that wild, because we're adults and we're women and so we've become artists to compensate.
It reminded me of how wild we are. And how we're not really allowed to be that wild, because we're adults and we're women and so we've become artists to compensate.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
HOME, lyrics
Here is that best of best love songs I was talking about earlier.
Hippie love. Love, period. Want it, need it, gotta' have it....
[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.
[Him:]
Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.
[Her:]
Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.
[Him:]
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.
[Him:]
I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.
[Her:]
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.
[Him:]
We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
[Her:]
And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.
[ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.
(Talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me.
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes I do.
Him: Well there's something I never told you about that night.
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you til just now.
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.
[Him:]
Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
[Her:]
Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.
[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...
Hippie love. Love, period. Want it, need it, gotta' have it....
[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.
[Him:]
Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.
[Her:]
Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.
[Him:]
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.
[Him:]
I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.
[Her:]
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.
[Him:]
We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
[Her:]
And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.
[ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.
(Talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me.
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes I do.
Him: Well there's something I never told you about that night.
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you til just now.
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.
[Him:]
Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
[Her:]
Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.
[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...
[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...
There's this song I keep listening to called "Home" by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes. This song is awesome, because it's about the strongest love two people can share. And I'm pretty sure (I hope) the man and woman singing it are actually in love with one another.
It's folky and adorable and just !!!.
However.
It scares the shit out of me because I don't know if I am ever ever ever going to find love like this. And if I don't find love like that, it means I've only found "love" that's not worth having. After convincing myself of true love in my old relationship for so long, I no longer trust love. At all. Do I even believe in it? Maybe it's a lot harder to come by than previously understood. I've already mentioned here many times that I can't trust myself either.
So who can I trust? I can't trust any partner I come by, because they may tire of us the way I tired of us.
On another, similar note. I do think that love can be found amongst friends who have loved as friends for many years and shared memories completely unromantically. I might even think this is the best way to find love.
And also. An issue which has seriously begun to piss me off::
Something I've learned in college is that I am completely naive in recognizing the intentions of most guys who cross my path. Since freshman year, I have found that a lot of dudes make a huge effort to develop a very personal, intimate friendship with me. One where we can talk about life and philosophy and whatever.
Every single time a guy has reached out to me in this way, I have accepted his friendship as just that : friendship.
Every single time a guy realizes that is all I am offering, he's out.
This. is. completely. unfair. And also really fucked up.
I know about myself that I invest a shit ton of devotion into every friendship I make that is new or old. So for these people to just up and LEAVE pisses me off SO. MUCH.
!!!!!
It just goes back to the idea that I, as a female, owe something to my male counterparts. Which I do not. When dudes ditch me like that, it makes me feel guity, like I've done something wrong. Which I realize is completely false. Why do so many dudes offer their "friendship" under the guise of friendship? Any time I've experienced this, I was never told that I was supposed to be some romantic interest. Half the times it's happened, I've had a boyfriend. So what the fuck!? WHAT?
Does this mean that my friendship holds NO value to heterosexual males just because I am a single girl not looking to sack any fucking dude who comes my way???
What the hell dudes.
It's happened twice in this apartment already, with my roommates and myself.
And it makes me fucking SICK
ENDPOST
It's folky and adorable and just !!!.
However.
It scares the shit out of me because I don't know if I am ever ever ever going to find love like this. And if I don't find love like that, it means I've only found "love" that's not worth having. After convincing myself of true love in my old relationship for so long, I no longer trust love. At all. Do I even believe in it? Maybe it's a lot harder to come by than previously understood. I've already mentioned here many times that I can't trust myself either.
So who can I trust? I can't trust any partner I come by, because they may tire of us the way I tired of us.
On another, similar note. I do think that love can be found amongst friends who have loved as friends for many years and shared memories completely unromantically. I might even think this is the best way to find love.
And also. An issue which has seriously begun to piss me off::
Something I've learned in college is that I am completely naive in recognizing the intentions of most guys who cross my path. Since freshman year, I have found that a lot of dudes make a huge effort to develop a very personal, intimate friendship with me. One where we can talk about life and philosophy and whatever.
Every single time a guy has reached out to me in this way, I have accepted his friendship as just that : friendship.
Every single time a guy realizes that is all I am offering, he's out.
This. is. completely. unfair. And also really fucked up.
I know about myself that I invest a shit ton of devotion into every friendship I make that is new or old. So for these people to just up and LEAVE pisses me off SO. MUCH.
!!!!!
It just goes back to the idea that I, as a female, owe something to my male counterparts. Which I do not. When dudes ditch me like that, it makes me feel guity, like I've done something wrong. Which I realize is completely false. Why do so many dudes offer their "friendship" under the guise of friendship? Any time I've experienced this, I was never told that I was supposed to be some romantic interest. Half the times it's happened, I've had a boyfriend. So what the fuck!? WHAT?
Does this mean that my friendship holds NO value to heterosexual males just because I am a single girl not looking to sack any fucking dude who comes my way???
What the hell dudes.
It's happened twice in this apartment already, with my roommates and myself.
And it makes me fucking SICK
ENDPOST
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Snuggle Styles
Just so you all know. I love experiencing snuggles, talking about snuggles, hearing about snuggles. Snuggles. are. the. best.
Trying to swing my way back into a more normal work out routine. I keep waking up feeling so drainenened and not in the mood for running at all, which makes me sad.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE ON THURSDAY MIDNIGHT WHEEEE <33333
Trying to swing my way back into a more normal work out routine. I keep waking up feeling so drainenened and not in the mood for running at all, which makes me sad.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE ON THURSDAY MIDNIGHT WHEEEE <33333
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THIS??
A message from an old friend. I have a couple of responses for her, but I want input from other people too...
:
"Hiya!!! I know you're into feminist things, so I thought I'd tell you about the situation I'm in now. I'm student teaching at a middle/high school near my college. I have 2 cooperating teachers I work with. Both are male, one is at least in his 50s, and the other is about 35. My first issues began with the older co-op - he was rude to me from the start, talked down to me in front of students, and has treated me more as a secretary than a student teacher.
As the weeks passed, the situation has only improved as the older co-op began to ignore me and spend his days sleeping or doing grad work (he's working on his doctorate) in his office while I teach his 6 classes every day (I'm a bit ticked, because he gets his regular salary plus a bonus of several hundred dollars to "assist" me while I teach. Hah.)
I also became more and more frustrated with my younger co-op. He started making comments to me like "no offense, but you're such an ineffective teacher I don't want to leave you alone with my students" and "I'm so glad I have a personal secretary this year!!" while giving me ONLY NEGATIVE feedback after observing my lessons. Negative to the point that I begged my LVC supervisor to come and observe me because I was getting so down about everything. The first thing my supervisor said to me after middle school band rehearsal was that he'd be happy to write me a recommendation to get my masters in conducting at UF (his alma mater) and that I should really consider pursuing conducting - this is after my co-op told me that I have incredibly limited skills and am a weak conductor and teacher!
There have been several other incidents, and he snaps at me in front of students as well. I come home from school (I don't leave for at least an hour after my co-ops leave) and cry because this is all I've wanted to do for the past four years and they make me feel like a failure.
Finally, I got in touch with the guy that student taught with these guys LAST year. Our experiences have been completely identical, with the exception that my co-ops used to belittle women after school when the three of them were alone. At one point, the younger co-op remarked that women shouldn't be band directors, that they should stick to elementary music, because they're just not as good as men are.
I guess my point is...I have rarely encountered this kind of thinking that has actually affected me up until this point in my life. I honestly believe that he has no respect for me and does not think I'm capable, largely because of my gender. I believe that most women in our generation are AWARE of this discrimination...but I know that I have tended to forget that it's still here and still affects us. Anywho, just one of those eye-opening situations and I'd like to hear your opinion on the subject because I know you have more background on it. I've accepted that this is just the situation I'm in, and I'm hoping it's going to just get through it without any permanent damage, haha. Hope you're doing well."
endpost.
:
"Hiya!!! I know you're into feminist things, so I thought I'd tell you about the situation I'm in now. I'm student teaching at a middle/high school near my college. I have 2 cooperating teachers I work with. Both are male, one is at least in his 50s, and the other is about 35. My first issues began with the older co-op - he was rude to me from the start, talked down to me in front of students, and has treated me more as a secretary than a student teacher.
As the weeks passed, the situation has only improved as the older co-op began to ignore me and spend his days sleeping or doing grad work (he's working on his doctorate) in his office while I teach his 6 classes every day (I'm a bit ticked, because he gets his regular salary plus a bonus of several hundred dollars to "assist" me while I teach. Hah.)
I also became more and more frustrated with my younger co-op. He started making comments to me like "no offense, but you're such an ineffective teacher I don't want to leave you alone with my students" and "I'm so glad I have a personal secretary this year!!" while giving me ONLY NEGATIVE feedback after observing my lessons. Negative to the point that I begged my LVC supervisor to come and observe me because I was getting so down about everything. The first thing my supervisor said to me after middle school band rehearsal was that he'd be happy to write me a recommendation to get my masters in conducting at UF (his alma mater) and that I should really consider pursuing conducting - this is after my co-op told me that I have incredibly limited skills and am a weak conductor and teacher!
There have been several other incidents, and he snaps at me in front of students as well. I come home from school (I don't leave for at least an hour after my co-ops leave) and cry because this is all I've wanted to do for the past four years and they make me feel like a failure.
Finally, I got in touch with the guy that student taught with these guys LAST year. Our experiences have been completely identical, with the exception that my co-ops used to belittle women after school when the three of them were alone. At one point, the younger co-op remarked that women shouldn't be band directors, that they should stick to elementary music, because they're just not as good as men are.
I guess my point is...I have rarely encountered this kind of thinking that has actually affected me up until this point in my life. I honestly believe that he has no respect for me and does not think I'm capable, largely because of my gender. I believe that most women in our generation are AWARE of this discrimination...but I know that I have tended to forget that it's still here and still affects us. Anywho, just one of those eye-opening situations and I'd like to hear your opinion on the subject because I know you have more background on it. I've accepted that this is just the situation I'm in, and I'm hoping it's going to just get through it without any permanent damage, haha. Hope you're doing well."
endpost.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Up for running. I stayed up way way way too late last night, doing practically nothing.
We did The Shining and wining (Alyssa's idea), which took hella long to get through and I'm glad I wasn't jazzed because I would have peed my pants since I had to pee for most of the movie. It was so fucking good! Certain colors read really well on camera and that dude GOT IT. Artistically speaking, it was the sweetest, but horror films make me emotional once I survive them and I don't like it.
Anyway, I couldn't just go to bed after the movie because I was HORRIFIED, so then we put Enchanted on as a way of detox. Pretty solid decision I'm pretty sure. I woke up from a weird dream because of my alarm a few minutes ago, but I actually think it was about a dude and not about The Shining THANK GOD.
My bladder is about to explode.
Volunteering for Garden State Equality today with Paul I hope it's a wonderful experience which somehow gives me lots of energy instead of sucking it out of me yayy!!!
Also I didn't fail my psych test which is fucking amazing since a lot of the class did. Trust me when I say that I'm one of those people who when I say "I failed," I fail. This is literally the first time I have predicted failure and not gotten it. Yay yay ayyay ayyay a. !!
I have nothing else to say because it's 8:41 AM (even though my timestamp will proaly say 541:( ).
heybye!
endpost.
sketchstepnleist.blogspot.com
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
For once, and FINALLY, I am embracing these crazy emotions that I'm getting caught up in.
For now.
hahahha
I've achieved a new attentiveness that is quiet and not always fruitful, but it means he's thinking about me and I'm home base here.
And dear lord I hope he never comes across these words.
wheeee
endpost.
For now.
hahahha
I've achieved a new attentiveness that is quiet and not always fruitful, but it means he's thinking about me and I'm home base here.
And dear lord I hope he never comes across these words.
wheeee
endpost.
ART TALKS
Niki and I are co-writing a blog dedicated to art talks. Art of our own, or interesting artists who we have come across, or things relating to art. In any way.
So hey you followers on here, follow us there please!!
sketchstephnleist.blogspot.com
As far as men are concerned, it sucks to get the expectation high when I am drunk.
Actually it's just dumb on my part.
I have the worst habit of allowing myself to hope hope hope when there is alcohol running through my system.
I always have this fear that if I lose sight of him, physically, he'll be gone and won't come back. Even as a friend. That's why I get so caught up in all of this all of the time.
Last night I lost sight and it was such a huge disappointment because it didn't have to be that way.
And I've gotten so good at putting myself to bed early and alone, which is probably the best way.
And I'm feeling just fine.
endpost.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
WHAT is the point of that pill if it isn't regulating what it's supposed to.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off to run, feeling queasy
*********************
Helphelphelp help help!
660 new songs today WHEE
*********************
1 hour and 10 minutes.
*
1 hour, 23 minutes
1 hour, 37
one hour forty-five minutes everything is fine
And I should feel happy but I sort of don't feel anything
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Off to run, feeling queasy
*********************
Helphelphelp help help!
660 new songs today WHEE
*********************
1 hour and 10 minutes.
*
1 hour, 23 minutes
1 hour, 37
one hour forty-five minutes everything is fine
And I should feel happy but I sort of don't feel anything
Monday, October 5, 2009
Yeah, so I can only hope that she didn't come to that conclusion because she is giving up on me. I was surprised to hear that I was so transparent, and that in 4-weeks the actual issue had revealed itself.
I was relieved to know that I am not necessarily crazy. Or if I am, I can try to fix it.
I'm scared because I don't know what happens next and I don't know what that stuff will do or how I will feel or if I will lose sight of myself even more, and for forever.
I'm afraid to let my parents know, especially my dad. Which doesn't make sense because he experienced it before I did and my parents don't judge me that way. But if they wanted to they could and that scares me.
I don't know who to talk to about this
I was relieved to know that I am not necessarily crazy. Or if I am, I can try to fix it.
I'm scared because I don't know what happens next and I don't know what that stuff will do or how I will feel or if I will lose sight of myself even more, and for forever.
I'm afraid to let my parents know, especially my dad. Which doesn't make sense because he experienced it before I did and my parents don't judge me that way. But if they wanted to they could and that scares me.
I don't know who to talk to about this
I woke up annoyed. HOW MUCH DOES THAT SUCK? Why did that happen?
I'm going running, it will probably be one of those things where I start crying while I'm running. There doesn't necessarily have to be a reason for that, just blood pumping and heart beating.
It's a beautiful day, I foresee a wonderful Autumn. Aesthetically, at the very least.
I just feel weird.
******************
The run was fine, I didn't go far but my running philosophy is to go easy on myself so it's enjoyable. It's hard enough to get myself running, and running itself is hard so. I'll just be easy on that one.
There was a women's group walking the loop I do, which was beneficial to me because I am an energy stealer when I run and they had lots to loan.
!!
IT'S GONNA BE NOTHINGGGGG
**********
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
Maybe that's true.
I've forgiven you but that by no means says I want you back in my life.
***********
And it isn't that I find myself unattractive or boring or anything. I guess I just feel like I can't get where a dude comes from when he thinks he sees something good here. I don't want to be put on a pedestal I don't deserve. There isn't anything special behind the scenes. I can't handle the pressure of being someone greater than me.
So I guess that what I'm saying is I don't feel that I'm entitled to holding anybody's interest. So maybe it was never him not loving himself, it was me not loving myself.
endpost.
I'm going running, it will probably be one of those things where I start crying while I'm running. There doesn't necessarily have to be a reason for that, just blood pumping and heart beating.
It's a beautiful day, I foresee a wonderful Autumn. Aesthetically, at the very least.
I just feel weird.
******************
The run was fine, I didn't go far but my running philosophy is to go easy on myself so it's enjoyable. It's hard enough to get myself running, and running itself is hard so. I'll just be easy on that one.
There was a women's group walking the loop I do, which was beneficial to me because I am an energy stealer when I run and they had lots to loan.
!!
IT'S GONNA BE NOTHINGGGGG
**********
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
Maybe that's true.
I've forgiven you but that by no means says I want you back in my life.
***********
And it isn't that I find myself unattractive or boring or anything. I guess I just feel like I can't get where a dude comes from when he thinks he sees something good here. I don't want to be put on a pedestal I don't deserve. There isn't anything special behind the scenes. I can't handle the pressure of being someone greater than me.
So I guess that what I'm saying is I don't feel that I'm entitled to holding anybody's interest. So maybe it was never him not loving himself, it was me not loving myself.
endpost.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Home.
It's amazing that when life allows me to get over myself, really bad shit starts happening to everyone else.
So what I have to do is make sure I keep my head afloat so that everyone else can too. Even if I have to drag them all out of the water.
I wasn't expecting to come home and find that anything had changed, but now everything has changed and things will be different forever unless I find out that everyone is OK and healthy and surviving.
There's a good chance that's what will happen, right?
Tuesday will be a pretty big day for this household.
She didn't tell my dad which was surprising. I guess not everyone desires the same support system I do. I wonder where that comes from
This reminds me of when my mom was skinnier than I am, even though she's inches taller, because when she didn't feel well she didn't eat. And when you don't eat you can't get better.
It isn't about the food, it's just about feeling well.
Other than scared and in anticipation of three days from now, I feel okay and whole.
It's amazing that when life allows me to get over myself, really bad shit starts happening to everyone else.
So what I have to do is make sure I keep my head afloat so that everyone else can too. Even if I have to drag them all out of the water.
I wasn't expecting to come home and find that anything had changed, but now everything has changed and things will be different forever unless I find out that everyone is OK and healthy and surviving.
There's a good chance that's what will happen, right?
Tuesday will be a pretty big day for this household.
She didn't tell my dad which was surprising. I guess not everyone desires the same support system I do. I wonder where that comes from
This reminds me of when my mom was skinnier than I am, even though she's inches taller, because when she didn't feel well she didn't eat. And when you don't eat you can't get better.
It isn't about the food, it's just about feeling well.
Other than scared and in anticipation of three days from now, I feel okay and whole.
Friday, October 2, 2009
So what's been going on lately. In actual, sane sentences.
I had my first painting crit of the year yesterday. I was completely let down with what I created. I don't really have much to say about the painting anymore, except for that I hate it and I think we betrayed each other big time.
Ha
seriously.
Volunteered for Regina last night. I can't tell if the world loves or hates when Trina and I (or any of 5b) interact in public?
Ever since our Spooky Cat scene in Shop Rite, I'm leaning toward the latter...I guess it doesn't matter if we're having fun?? RIGHT??
Also, I've finally had that experience where I gave up on caring about a guy who says one thing and does another. And he comes running back my way.
I cannot fucking believe that philosophy holds any amount of truth.
I mean I can, but come ON.
I guess in this situation it works out really well, because it's exactly what we talked about in the first place. I wish I could always feel this empowered in situations. It's so much healthier for me to feel that I have as much control over what's going on as he does. God knows that's not how it felt before.
Home this weekend for CHURCH bullshit, of all things. Missing applefest on Sunday because of it BOO.
I will never understand how my parents could possibly raise three women in the Catholic faith.
So backwards
endpost.
I had my first painting crit of the year yesterday. I was completely let down with what I created. I don't really have much to say about the painting anymore, except for that I hate it and I think we betrayed each other big time.
Ha
seriously.
Volunteered for Regina last night. I can't tell if the world loves or hates when Trina and I (or any of 5b) interact in public?
Ever since our Spooky Cat scene in Shop Rite, I'm leaning toward the latter...I guess it doesn't matter if we're having fun?? RIGHT??
Also, I've finally had that experience where I gave up on caring about a guy who says one thing and does another. And he comes running back my way.
I cannot fucking believe that philosophy holds any amount of truth.
I mean I can, but come ON.
I guess in this situation it works out really well, because it's exactly what we talked about in the first place. I wish I could always feel this empowered in situations. It's so much healthier for me to feel that I have as much control over what's going on as he does. God knows that's not how it felt before.
Home this weekend for CHURCH bullshit, of all things. Missing applefest on Sunday because of it BOO.
I will never understand how my parents could possibly raise three women in the Catholic faith.
So backwards
endpost.
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