I want what I want.

Congratulations you, you made it a whole year from the time when you sunk to rock bottom

Crying about nothing and everything gets old fast

I'm back to that bleak point of existence where foreign thoughts start dictating strange futures...all negative. Thankfully (?) I know from experience that the futures predicted are all false. There will be no more desperate moments and ugly scars- which, by the way mom, are way worse than any tattoo.

I'm only back there sometimes.

Sometimes I'm back there because I am so terrified of being back there.

And when I do go back, it isn't quite the same 'back'

Now I am almost completely without a line, because I am working for 'real life' from 'real life.' It's a much different perspective.

I should have...why did I....maybe if I...

These are useless, harmful thoughts.

This morning

I woke with no 'bing'

And with the same bad taste that was there before

I can't find my diary

So I will take the opportunity to blubber about my embarrassing first world problems right here.

I am so sick lately of feeling like everything in my life is a struggle. I can't even maintain friendships without having to work to do it. What is that? What is going on? Work is fine but it's retail and it's disorganized.

I don't make enough money, I can't move out, I can't stand so many grown people under one roof.

I can't even find my fucking diary to have a real vent about everything I'm thinking. What if I left it somewhere stupid and now someone somewhere knows all the dumb things I cry about?

Anything and everything can set me off recently.

Wait, I'm confused

Do I miss my hair?

In our case, a portion of our partnership is sharing the pain to such a degree that sometimes we confuse each other's for our own

My current job is legally bound against giving references for former employees- good or bad. THAT FUCKING SUCKS.

I feel like fucking shit because nothing I do makes anyone else stop feeling like shit. And on top of that I already felt like fucking shit.

What is it about the Fall that makes it such a difficult time of year to be happy? For the first time in a long time I am experiencing that shortness of breath, that weird confusion, anxiety. Slowly, I am living through these feelings during experiences that hardly warrant them.

'Situations' like these may be something I am forced to deal with one season a year for the rest of my life. I guess I'm already prepared for that.

Also, I guess you could say that I am still very confused about what happened last year. I think I have been harboring these feelings of hurt and betrayal by a system that was supposed to help. I can't wrap my mind around whether I would have been better off on my own, without all the interference and outside advice. I can't help but wonder how things might have turned out if I had relied just a little more on myself and less on that system, the drugs, the institution.

I don't know, I hate thinking about this stuff but I am thinking about it fucking always. 'So last year' and no one to talk to about it

Doing other peoples' chores is really fucking cool when you work for 13 days straight with no days off.

Fuck you mom, put away your own damn pizza. You got fucking meat on it so I can’t eat it anyway. I honestly don’t care how tired you are after your three day VACATION in Cape May. My bad for working 45 hours this week with no day off for two weeks straight.

My family is full of pieces of shit, I don’t care how much money I have to pay- I’ll pay it to get the fuck away from everyone.

Also, I folded your laundry yesterday. ???? Um- YOU'RE WELCOME??

I'm sick of missing my partner and my best friend.

Today I had my first nervous breakdown of fall. Fall '10- 1, Fall '09- 23

So we started the house hunt today. We only looked at two but I came home feeling drained and a little anxious.

The first house, on Sioux Street, would have been so perfect but it was South Side Bethlehem and I don't even want to get involved with that. The cemetary, the driveway, ughhhh I will forever want to live in you but it probably just isn't meant to be. It was $1200 + utilities, probably the highest any of us would be willing to spend.

The second house was on Linden Street. Price was perfect: $950 + utilities. Weird thing that realtor didn't notice until Niki and I did???: There was ONE closet between three bedrooms (which, also weird: were connected...).

Anyway, we drove by the house on Atlantic and it was just NO. The closer we got to it the less interested we became. We called the realtor and cancelled the appointment. It felt to risky to even leave our car on the street for the 10 minutes it would have taken to find the house.

Soooo who knows what is next. Who knows who's in and who's out, and who knows when or where any of us will end up? It's stressful, but I'm glad we started now because it's going to take a long time to find something perfect.

Next up for Josh and me is to check out a $900 property in Bath. It's 2440sq feet, but I'm worried it may be a mostly white area that isn't too tolerant of anyone who is not white. From what I've researched quickly, I'm not warming up to it so far...but I'm definitely excited to see this property and find out for myself if the environment feels unsafe.

Weee shall see shall seeeee ee eeeee.

At the time, my nose piercing was giving me a lot of problems. I needed to clean it daily with alcohol swabs because that's what was available to me. I had to ask permission every night, with an explanation why.

At 9:49AM my older sister woke me up and shoved breakfast at my mouth. It was tasty, I almost fell asleep while ingesting.

A few things:

1. I’m liking the mullet that’s starting to grow there.

2. I’m liking (and continuously exploring) how flexible this new hair allows me to present myself. I can still be as feminine and ‘pretty’ as I want whenever I want; but because of the length I also have the option of being as unfeminine as I desire. Which is really awesome and a choice I didn’t have with the long wavy locks (may they rest in peace). So now I can hide behind my hair in a new way that isn’t physically hiding behind it and also use it as a tool of ~self-exploration~

3. Since I can’t physically hide behind this hair, I’ve quickly become way more accustomed to the way my body looks and for the first time since I can remember (since it mattered) I am …loving my body…? I’m finding that I’m okay wearing the ‘tighter’ (and by tighter I mean that they aren’t oversized) clothes and not trying to hide the hips that I do have. And it kinda’ rules.

So yeah I’m still just as obsessed with my short ‘do as I was with the old stuff. Major changes are good this time around.

I had a dream about work which is funny. My fingers are cold and I'm wearing a scarf- fuck you house!!

Yesterday Josh and I went apple picking again with Heather and Dan. It was fun. A

n apple fell on my face but we got to take lots of pictures and put up with asshole parents with a false sense of entitlement. Whatevs you guys.

I wish Fall mornings were as magical as Fall afternoons (less cold).

I feel like I got cheated out of finishing the minor I was passionate about because of illness. Fucking fuck me

October is blowing by. Working a shit ton and driving all around NJ which I absolutely abhor.

However, my paycheck$ can now support the ~traveling lifestyle so it eases the pain a teensy bit.

37 and 43 hour weeks coming up. The most I'll have ever worked ever. Gonna' be big money, gonna' be lots of pain and probably crying.

My left eye hurts. Give me pizza, give me pie, pizza pie pizza pie pumpkin pie pretty please

If there had been more friends in my life at the time, I would have more people to talk to about it now.

It's old news to most people. Also, one of my #1's (Thom) is in recovery so bad timing for me to be all sad face

Today my mom told me that she wants me to 'talk to someone' because 'there is no way anyone could recover from what happened last year so quickly.'

It freaks me out when my mom shows any level of concern like this, it makes me think that I actually have something to worry about.

Which, loyal readers, you already know that I do (based on previous thoughts and posts).

Anyway, I honestly don't feel like checking in with anyone. Ever. I already have to make a follow-up appointment with the lady doctor and hope that I'm not diseased or something because Science blessed me with a vagina.

Doctors take time and stress and money. I want to focus on working and living and loving and not seeing doctors on my days off.

Truth be told I am pretty traumatized about the events that unfolded exactly now a year ago. I can't tell if it's better or worse to keep it all in and try to ignore it all. I cry about it still because the whole thing was so fucking overwhelming, and that freaks me out. The events of last year are what kept me from finishing my women's studies minor, so they're something that still affect me.

The lifestyle I lead today is directly related to all the shit that was happening before.

Anyway, I was talking to Josh about all of this and just wishing that it could be like 7 years ago instead of 1. I never want to hear about it or think about it again.

I'm crying for 10 kids I didn't know because they shouldn't have fucking died.

All of these deaths happened because of other CHILDREN who were raised in an ignorant environment and did not have their disgusting behavior corrected. Parenting as simple as ‘hey, it’s not okay to make fun of someone for being gay’ could have SAVED 10 LIVES. Fuck so many things and so many people right now.

Things We'll Need

1. A bed and sheets for that bed

2. Resources

I ate too much apple pie for breakfast and now my stomach feels like lead and I really should go get some exercise because of my caloric intake but my belly hurts

The money'$ good

My friends are good

My partner is good

*all of these things are more than good

So lately I've been super preoccupied with 'This time last year...' thoughts/memories/whatevers.

IT'S WEIRD because all of it is bad bad bad and in a few months it will be this time last year WORST times. Am I making sense?

Anyway, it's stressing me out. Maybe fall is just a bad time for me? I can't wait for it to be positive memories of 'this time a year ago.' Umm yeah I have nothing else to say about this subject but I'm feeling more than I can put into words I guess.

Yeah I feel like shit.

It will be nice when I can move out and not have to listen to my 24 year old sibling arguing. All.the.fucking.time.

This weekend my amazing partner gave me an amazing haircut! WHEEEE!!!!

Last night I didn't have to sleep alone, and when I woke up I got a surprise breakfast.

Hopefully my health is in good order and then I will have a life that is the most charmed.

HEY JOSH

This day fucking blows

So the real reason my mom made me cry is because she is suddenly behaving as if we are in a 'who works hardest' competition. MEAN. Jeese, woman!

Sometimes I really cannot fathom what more these really bad ROOMMATES want from me. For fuck's sake people. I got the full time job, I'm on my feet as many hours as you are sitting down, plus I have to deal with living in your communist bootcamp (where somehow I am the only one who does dishes anymore...idgi.)

The hot dog debate did have something to do with it, because my mom made up a lie about how I criticize what everyone in the house eats. They all wonder why losing weight is difficult for them- IDGI.

Anyway, it is beyond clear that I am ready to move out because even when these people aren't total shit heads (rare) I want OUT out out

Something bit me in the night. GET OUT OF MY BED EW

What makes it so impossible to live at home past a certain point? What's different in other cultures, outside of the entire culture, that makes it a reasonable situation to have multiple generations of families living under one roof?

My grandmother could never stand for that, still being resentful of her mixed-race granddaughters. I couldn't stand for that. And the people who do are considered weirdos.

Is our culture doing something wrong or is there no right way? Do we have a culture anyway

The love that we see parents giving their newborn children doesn't seem to extend past the age of like...2.

2 years old, the 'terribles,' when kids act less subordinate and more like themselves. That's all it takes?

What the fuck is up with that?

I think I'm going to love my job

I've been working out and working consistently for about two weeks now. Energy levels are high and my body feels great.

WOOHOO.

$$$$

HEY EVERYONE IT'S BEEN FOREVER. I've been watching a lot of reality TV and exercising. Life is good!

Unsure and rocky in emotions

My fucking parents are literally trying to forbid me to cut my hair off because of the new job I am starting. "Then they aren't getting what they hired." FUCK you people.

They obviously are not in the mood to communicate with me in a civil manner .

I sincerely do not appreciate being told what I can and cannot do with my body. I am 22 years old, I am an adult, I make my own decisions.

If they are against something I wish to do they should approach me as if I am a 22 year old adult, because I am.

I am the one who earned the job position I am starting, not anyone else. Therefore, I will do as I wish concerning that job. Their way of dealing with it is to gang up on me like I'm 15 and give two fucking shits about their opinions.

Instead of saying 'hello' to me when I walked in the door, the first thing they both did was yell at me. This is exactly the type of behavior I can't stand, something I thought we already talked about and made clear.

Two words mom and dad: suck it

It's only been 4 months since graduation and I've already lost sight of the person I told myself I wanted to be. My identity is slipping away, and I'm too overwhelmed and afraid to face it. So I don't face it, and I don't do anything about it.

4 months since graduation and I'm already one of 'those people.'

January and my new home, come faster!

Tonight Josh, Megan, and I are going camping. Whee!!!!

It's going to be a good week full of friends, art, and a limited amount of working :)

Being at work making less than I will soon be making is extremely frustrating, added to the fact that I have the period from fucking hell. This makes me irritable as well as bloated, which makes me feel depressed and unattractive because I'm not my usual unbloated self. It makes me tired as well as anxious, leading to a general lack of sleep and severe insomnia.

And also hungry all the time.

Leave me alone bye

Moving out is become a super exciting, super fast, super real THING in my life (our lives).

As most of you know I am now employed full-time as a store manager at Claire's Boutique. This job allows me the privilege of flying the nest. *Also, this job allows tattoos as well as up to two facial piercings and I can wear whatever I want as long as it isn't jeans-FUCKYEAH*

Anyway, Josh and I are talking more and more about what it will be like when we are living together.

We talked about beds, and the furniture our parents will let us have. Furnishing from Ikea and how we will share bookshelves. And how his desk can be a table for the front door or a desk or anything. And how there can be a place for keys.

So it's very just GREAT and I can't wait for it to happen because I know it will be good to wake up together and be able to say 'good night' instead of 'good bye.'

Hello followers,

Most of you know that I am currently interning with The Masakhane Center and am the blog manager. You should check it out, if only to read the personal experiences section of the blog.

So far, we have had 3 incredible submissions...possibly by someone you know, if you're reading this.

They all kind of make me want to cry because they are so honest, and sometimes they are so inspiring and sometimes they are so just sad.

Anyway, here is the experiences page. Do yourself a favor and check it out, you will probably learn something.

http://sexadvocate.wordpress.com/our-experiences-in-sexuality/

Being wanted is a very beautiful thing

Also I woke up screaming this morning and startled my bb sister (the birthday girl)

Ew I hate that.

Some Things

First off, I had a dream that my ex died. I've had that dream before, except then it was when we were dating and I called him and made sure he was alive.

After dating for almost 6 years it's weird to not be able to do that. Last summer we managed to be 'friends' kinda but after a series of strange events, things just didn't work out that way this time around.

The few times that we ended up at the same party, we barely said hello or looked at each other.

Last time I saw him he left the party we were at almost immediately after I showed up.

So that's awkward and just really sad and I feel guilty because that's how I am.

In happier news though, I know what I want in life- as far as friendship, companionship, love- and all of it is being fulfilled way way way beyond any expectation. The three of us have chosen Bethlehem as our location of relocation.

Also, I got called for a second interview for the store manager position at Claire's. If I get this job, all of my money issues will be resolved.

Fingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossed.

And I am happy for today at least.

endpost.

What the fuck is the big deal with this mosque?

Don't explain it- I GET IT. It's just that it's so incredibly fucking dumb that it is BLOWING MY MIND.

Yesterday at karaoke we had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to the song below. Some huge dude at the bar unplugged the mic and took it from the guy singing, but it was toward the end of the song so we heard most of it.

I shook that man's hand because it was nice to know that ours wasn't the only table in the entire bar who was disgusted with that 'song.' His response was about the guy singing (who LOVED karaoke btw), saying 'This was one of his better songs.' THAT totally blows my mind.

Anyway, Niki approached the DJ guy and told him that song was extremely offensive and HIS advice for us was to leave. Which we did, and then he apologized to us through our male friend after we had left. Too little too late dude, I'm calling the owner.

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert that night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love. It had been a
while. In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10. I had picked up this
hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops. Well, that night I lost myself
to ruby red lips, milky white skin and baby blue eyes. Name was Russell.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave", this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', ‘cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer." Well she smiled,
had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern, and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask as I do my little kooky dance. And
then she told me to shush. I guess she could sense my desperation. ‘Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true. So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is jackhammering
Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on
Santa Claus's tummy-tum?" Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer. Heh. That rhymes. I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby
formula.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin and slid on into The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the
one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Who knew that interviewing for full-time store manager positions could be so stressful?

Yesterday I interviewed at Claire's. The most stressful part is that I want the job but there's always the chance that I just WON'T GET IT.

Today I am interviewing at Osh Kosh B'Gosh. At first I didn't really care about it because come on it's baby clothes- we all know my feelings on children. But then I started thinking that I might not get the job at Claire's and then I might not get the job here either and then I'm like fucked and I'll cry about it and stuff and want to give up even though it's only two interviews holy shit I am FREAKING OUT bye

This week's mood = total party pooper. Yay!

get out of my room get out of my room get out of my room

As far as family goes... this weekend was... really fucking good

My dad took the time to talk with me one on one about life and moving out and things I felt unhappy about. It was amazing to open up to a member of my family about how frustrating and miserable this household can be. He also gave me some pretty solid advice from his own experience of moving out, which lead me to decide that I need to have a full-time job with benefits before I can move out. I keep saying I want to get out the right way so I never have to come back and I think that might be the only way. EXCITING, scary, exhausting.

Also, my younger sister talked to me for almost two hours one night about whatever. It was really nice and only got cut off because I needed to sleep. She talked about movies she'd seen and silly experiences she'd had with friends and we planned things she could do for her upcoming birthday. We were talking like we were friends, that felt amazing coming from her.

And Heather helped me print my resumes in an emergency by calling her boyfriend and driving me to his house to use his printer.

And my mom bought me lemons because she noticed that I'd been using the lemon juice from the fridge and she knows that actual lemons in water are way better. She even gave me tips on how to get the most juice from them (microwave for 10-seconds, then roll). Weirdly, this small display of affection might mean the most to me- if you've ever met my mom you'd understand why I'm saying this.

So as far as family goes, things felt really nice and so much less stifling here this weekend. It feels good to know these people care about me, at least sometimes. For now.

ALSO, I have an interview with Claire's and OshKoshB'Gosh for store manager positions.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

endpost.

endpost.

I've been applying for full-time jobs all morning and all last night. Unfortunately that only adds up to 5 because I played Family Feud and Bejewled Blitz and was also on Tumblr during the application process.

Anyway...so that's 5 full time jobs I've applied for which is WEIRD and exciting for now until no one calls and I cry in mah pillow e'ry nightttt.

Also I am off to apply for full-time job 6 at Claire's. This is the position I am hoping for most because it's a basic retail manager position in the mall where I already work (no commute). Also it's Claire's so I wouldn't buy anything or be afraid of fucking up too much.

All of this because my dad and I had a really serious really good conversation and I've decided I need a stable income (A FULL-TIME JOB) before I can move out of this house.

Someone hire me.

Fuck Peace, Eat Pizza - jk

Alright but really my perfect world doesn't include ~peace

In a perfect world, pizza would be good for me. It would be SO good for me in fact that it would tone every untoned muscle and make my layers grow long and full and wavyyyywavywavy.

In a perfect world, pizza would solve every problem!

Plain slice, please

PS- Also in a perfect world, these guys would get along. I love 'em both

Bang-growing is a serious business and it happens to be awful.

OMG OMG I am FREAKING OUT little kids aren't supposed to go down that path no no no that is bad this is bad

I absolutely can hold out for the holiday season to get more hours at my current job. I absolutely can wait a few months to leave this place. I'll just be really quiet while I'm here.

hahahha

Then by the time I'm ready to leave I will have student loan$ to pay back wooowooowwoowowjoejwojw

*note: cats + diet soda = luh uh mah lyfe

although I do prefer Pepsi products

endpost.

It's going to work out eventually. It has before, it will again. Unfortunately, nothing can guarantee that I will remain a lucid human being.

Also in moments of clarity I still hate my family.

...

Coping mechanisms!

Fuck family. Fuck this life.

I need help and I'm sick of knowing that and looking for it. I thought I was done with this shit so long ago. Being here has destroyed everything I worked for before.

Venus told me that maybe things with my mom would get better. My parents woke up to my existence for the few months when things were bad and looking dreary.

Things with my mom suck, things with everyone suck. I don't understand these people and they spurn anything that's different from them.

Family isn't first here, it's fitting in that counts. Crying is the only release I have and there is an endless amount of that. I always wake up with a swollen face, I don't even look like me sometimes- which is fine I guess, because in those moments I don't feel like me either.

It's like something inside is beating so violently to get out. It manifests in anger and sadness and something endless and bad. It's a physical pain. I want to scream but I won't.

Sometimes I just wish that everyone could know exactly how miserable I am. And I would know exactly how miserable they are. And then we'd all fucking get it.

So. Today I came to the realization that the people I share a roof with are assholes over 50% of the time.

More often than not they are disrespecting my political values, questioning my aspirations, or just pissing me off.

This means some drastic changes in behavior toward every one of them.

Ideally, any form of communication will be kept to email or text only...email is my dad's preferred way of communication anyway, because when he tries doing things like a regular human being (face to face) it usually ends with him being a huge freak and making everyone cry.

To clear things up a bit, right now my older sister is the main culprit because she was rude to my guest for absolutely no reason and when I asked her about it she didn't deny or apologize for what she had done. That is, turn on the television in our family room when someone was SLEEPING IN THERE.

'I know. People live here. What do you want me to do about it.'

Fucking fucker. Are you really 24 with no aspirations of moving out of this place? Big surprise.

Nothing upsets my family more than when they are rude and plain out mean and get nothing in response. In school we're taught not to bother with people who don't treat us properly. Unfortunately, that happens to be these people.

I hope they hate me and that way they will leave me alone.

Maybe one day my mom will realize I'm not intentionally trying to piss her off, she's just a grade-A asshole and EVERYTHING pisses her off.

I hate this place. These people are the worst.

I'm going to go cry in my car now and then go to work. Don't worry I'm armed with extra eyeliner

A year ago today I was writing about a lost 'friend' who was such a super asshole to Niki and I was raging about it in my diary. I love having a best friend, because best friends get angry or upset or sad on each other's behalf.

That was an awful year for friends.

ALRIGHT. So I have a Tumblr but I don't want to scare all my followers away by constantly posting pictures of cats.

MY SOLUTION is that I'm just going to put them on here wheeeehehehehe!!!!

More than marriage, I look forward to one day owning a cat with my life partner.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT. LOOK AT THOSE TOOTSIES AND THE EYES MMMMMMMKOOOKOOOOOOCUUUUTE

Lately I've been obsessing over MARRIAGE and no not because I feel like getting married right this second. Just because it came up at Alyssa's house and Stephen was totally surprised that I would ever want to be married.

I explained to him that I hate that marriage is still such an exclusive thing, plus I feel like so many people get married because they feel backed into doing it. Marriage isn't a rite of passage that we all *basically* need to go through (like graduating high school). So whatever. It would be nice to have a 'husband' some day.

Anyway, I was just looking at my cousin's wedding photos and I was thinking that if I ever did get married I have absolutely no idea how I would want the wedding to be. I don't want to just go to the municipal court and get it done, but that seems like a more reasonable option than having a huge wedding that I don't want *complete with the creme puff dress and blah blah bullshit.

It's confusing. I think my mom will try to coerce me into doing what is the most traditional. Which, fuck you mom.

Actually, I know she will because she's already tried "If you don't have a wedding you won't get gifts." What a weird threat...

Who says I even want house warming gifts from a family who I love but who doesn't really bother with any of my political beliefs? Which, these beliefs dictate so much of the lifestyle I try to lead.

When I try to imagine a wedding that I plan myself I have to grimace at what my nuclear and extended would think of it. Being guilt-free is the most difficult when you are raised Catholic (ew ew ew ew).

I'm sick of sleeping alone.

Tonight we were all going to camp and it was going to be super fun and Niki was finally going to meet Megan and SOMEHOW IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. EVEN THOUGH we drove the 30 minutes *which turned into 2 fucking hours.

Looked forward to fun and photos and waking up in the arm's of the dude I'm in love with. Or with him in my arms, whatever.

Major fucking bummer, major fucking let down.

The night is a bust and I'm freaking out about it forever.

PS-It ended with Niki running a stop sign and not knowing she did until we talked about it 10 minutes later and she thought I was laughing at my neighbors in PJs cleaning their yard appliances <---DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE NIKI.

hahhahahahah. I hate those guys. I hate this night.

:(

And obviously none of this has anything to do with camping.

I'm panicking recently because I have no future. I know what I want but nothing is set in stone. And I'm sick of living far from Paul. I want the ability to wake him up if I need an emergency ride somewhere/if he's running late. I miss it

Secret word

Weird secret, scary secret

It hit me with the force of a lifetime that I wish it would pertain to

Unbidden, with too many 'maybes' 'I hopes' 'I thinks' - let downs

An unsure feeling of absolute certainty, unreciprocated, not talked about

For fear that it will be ruined

I keep it a sad secret because it's too good to be spoiled just yet

With the fear of maybes, lack of hope, too many thoughts, and the refusal to grant a wished for promise

because of rational thoughts

Beaten down by logic

I want it safe and I want it ours but it will stay mine

Here are some goals:

1. I'm going to paint. I don't care how often, or when, or how much. But I need to do something to get out the bad thoughts. When I was having a really hard time with my existence last summer, I finally learned the meaning of art as therapy by experiencing it. Whatever if that sounds stupid, self-safety comes first.

2. Move out by next summer. Talked about this with Niki today. "I want to be moved out by next summer." "Yeah."

3. More sleep.

I got 4 hours of sleep but I'm too awake to nap. Imma die at work tonight probably. Whatevah.

I HATE living at home. Living at home means that people take MY fucking clothing that I paid for and do what they want with it. Including put it in other people's drawers. WHAT THE FUCK. I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT. What is with the people here? Why would anyone assume that random clothing that mysteriously appears on their bed automatically belongs to them????

Not even laundry is sacred anymore! AND I HATE EVERYTHING.

The loss of freedom that comes with living here makes me irrationally angry, irrationally unhappy, and generally a freak.

I am so tired that I forgot about the last post I wrote like 20 minutes ago. Whatevah

Eyes are heavy

arms in pain

Can't help but wonder

why

I

am

on

da

interwebs

The last two days have been like the ideal weekend *inthemiddleoftheweek surrounded by the people and activities I love.

Yesterday morning Josh and I rode to the bank and for bagels where we met Niki. This morning we did it again except we rode with Heather and Dan. Woohoo biking/breakfastbagel double date!

Also yesterday we did NOT tube down the Delaware as planned *because of a bad forecast but that forecast ended up being a TOTAL LIE so we got to swim later. And watch 30 Rock and Brick and lay in bed and snuggle and just be around each other.

So that's always a good thing.

endpost.

Ideal summer day

Even our stomachs are in sync

Let's ride bikes more

The past 3 days have been full of comfortable bike rides and amazing talks.

Next week, I may be attempting a 25-mile *orless ride to a campsite to sleep for a night. THAT would be uh-huh-mazing.

Megan and Josh are currently planning for a cross country bike trip. I want to be able to ride cross country. Even if I don't go, I want to know that I am capable. I'm starting now. I want to be able to keep up with anyone on anything. Mindset mindset, I have a goal.

Today we went to Ramapo, it was weird and surreal. Great to see Z and Arlene. Bad to go back to this place that I reside in that isn't home anymore.

Tomorrow is a small ride around town! Up for breakfast and meeting Niki at the Bagel Shack. Then to any pharmacy that carries wart remover! Sorry Josh!

endpost.

Lately when I've gone to update this, I feel like I have no emotions to speak of.

I think that's weird.

We're told constantly that we are never to test G(g)od's existence. What gives anyone the right to test our strength?

What god.

Good things should happen to good people and fuck the rest.

And Josh, you aren't even just good you are great.

I guess I should give a real update but only kinda' because I am currently in Niki's bedroom with her and Mary.
Anyway, I think I want to live in New Brunswick. Or like, a college town. I can still do that because I'm still college age. I would have the option of being exposed to so many different faces without having to be at a party in a tight space with little to no light and lots of sweat. And I could watch people go into and out of those parties from the pizza/fat sandwich/ice cream place. Or I could go to those dark parties if I want to. OPTIONS.

When we were walking around yesterday it felt good to see different faces for once. It's good to see first hand that people outside of those I know exist. And people *ANY PEOPLE * outside of my family are walking around somewhere.

I probably could never afford to live there maybe. And I don't know who I would live with. And that brings about all sorts of scary weird questions about where my life will be and blah blah whatever.

Okaybye.



endpost.

First post-grad Ramapo style reunion. It was nice and now it feels like it never happened. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Um WHAT EVEN I am freaking out FINALLY about the fact that I WILL NOT BE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE THIS SEMESTER. WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL.

I want to go back and I want to freeze time and live with 27B always and have snow storms and cook breakfast together and drink hot chocolate and be in a room all of us snowed in.

And then go outside some of us, and run around like maniacs in our pajamas because we get cabin fever.

I want the LoveBall back and I want to throw it at the heart we had on our bathroom door that was crossed out for all the hard times we had with dudes because we were clueless and too loving.

I want tables to dance on and a sticky floor even after we wash it because Ramapo never gave it a glossy pretty layer like all the other rooms in the village.

I want the option of stealing people's oven buttons after ours got hidden and we couldn't find them all and we didn't want a fine so we just took someone else's. And also the microwave plate. And also the 4 ft sub from that stupid tent for Village resident's only.

I want neighbors who won't call the cops *security * on us when we scream at the top of our lungs because we are feeling so frustrated and so unhappy, or so excited and so happy.

I want to dance to Bieber and do other awkward things in front of the Photobooth*BirthdaySex

And sit in the window during the day watching classes walk around or outside on the blanket. Or at night with the lights out because no one could see us that way.

THIS WAS TOO SAD IDK WHY IT HAPPENED NOW SO LONG AFTER WE GRADUATED, BUT FUCK I WANT IT ALL BACK. ALSO I WANT THE OPTION OF SLEEPING OVERNIGHT WITH MY BOYFRIEND. JEESE.

My throat hurts my face is hot my eyes burn I keep peeing because I keep drinking water because my throat hurts SOS

Lazy days with you

are better

than lazy days without you

I feel like I am the definition of being 'too little too late'

I feel sad and I feel like a fuck up

I think it's FUCKED up when people make jokes about self-mutilation as if it's something that doesn't exist.

I can guarantee that every person I know has someone in their lives who's gone through that experience, and it's a shitty fucked up thing to do. Period.

That said, fuck off and good night

I have enough money to move out, but if I want to move out and stay out I need to be making about $90 more each paycheck.

Just short...fucky.

Fun Fact! Yesterday the woman who birthed me (affectionately reffered to as mother.) got really irrationally mad at me because I refused to put away the ice cream she took out! I didn't notice it when I put the rest away NBD.

Anyway she threw a hissy fit and now she still isn't talking to me which is just ridiculous. *But I win because she made my favorite breakfast (PANCAKES DUH) and I didn't even have to do anything but sit there and think to myself since she was ignoring me.

....

So! The point of this is that I finally understand how it is when children get so mad at their parents and the parents just do not seem to care because a lot of the time it's about something irrelevant and st00pid. As the child, that type of treatment is the most frustrating.

BUT IN THIS CASE I'M the one who holds the power because I'm the rational one. COOL!

EAT THAT MOM

endpost.

And now, finally- I get it

Dear Niki,

I love you. Thank you for saving my life by finding a toothbrush for me last night and even coming outside to hand it to me through my car window when I came to pick it up. Also, thank you for pointing out that the very best part of the toothbrush was the fact that it says Sunstar on top (even though the toothbrush doesn't actually say that- it was just the packaging).

SEE YOU LATER BYE

APPARENTLY I CAN'T PUT THE HEART SYMBOL ON HERE WHATEVER IT'S LOVE ANYWAY

We grew up in cellophane, neon cereals, tanning cathode rays
We were rinsed in pesticide, bleached with aspartame, antiseptic play

You could tell from our soft feet
We were strangers to the land
And you could tell from our clean clothes that we were petrified of dirt and plants and sand

Take me out to the forest
Roll me in the soil, let me smell the earth
Paint my face with berries
Stuff them in my mouth 'til my stomach bursts

And when the brambles shred my skin
I bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on my hands
Are not from a lab, no they come from the land

We are flailing in these waves: radio and sound, riptide gamma rays
Coughing up zeroes and ones, gurgling through machines, electronic embrace

Take me down to the river
Dunk me underneath, let me taste the clay
We'll lose our shoes in the mudflats
Seeping through our toes, grabbing at our legs

When the brambles shred my skin
I bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on my hands
Don't come from an ad, no they come from the land

Our kids stumble through the haze, carbon thunderheads, toasting UV rays
They know a world concrete and gray, free from any green, sanitized and paved
So each morning when you rise, rub your hands against the dirt
And for that day, my child, you'll shed your fear of the earth

And when the brambles shred your skin
You'll bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on your hands
Are not from a lab, no they come from the land

I woke up on Cannon Beach, salt upon my face, seaweed in my hands
Waves kept washing over me, urging I come home, come home to the land

We come from the land
We come from the land

This is my favorite song right now. Elk Rock Island by Attica!Attica!. Aaron is an awesome dude and this song is the most beautiful.

Sometimes all it takes for me to fly off the handle is having no idea where my toothbrush is.

So I reactivated my facebook but I'm not on it too much and there isn't much to look at anyway because I deleted and deleted 'connections' until I as left with only 129.

The deletions were nothing personal because they weren't friendships anymore anyway, that's why it was so easy to do.

I'm going to start walking again for 30 minutes a day. My body is the biggest traitor, I was given the rattiest most poisonous thing that acts as my brain. Because of that brain thing I can no longer do extraneous amounts of exercise on a daily basis like I used to. The two weeks where I was either running or cycling a good deal were the two weeks I was flying off the handle for no reason (pretty much ever.)

How sad is that?????

I think I will work back up to more serious exercise and when I do it will be for a set goal, so that I stay consistent with it. I need to run a half marathon and a full marathon before 50.

When I lose consistency, shit starts going bad very quickly. So. Walking. Consistently. For now.

endpost.

The absolute worst way to finish a day is to be left feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and then pissed off with yourself.

Verbal sexual harassment is a very constant very real struggle, at least for me.

After getting off the train tonight I walked to my car alone and was accosted by three men.

Before it happened I knew it was going to. After it happened I was angry and humiliated. Then I was freaking out, then I was very upset.

I guess all I can really write about is how that stuff makes me feel.

I don't think I have the authority to say that all men are responsible for this behavior, or that all women are responsible, the only person I can be responsible for is myself.

So, I felt anger- that I did nothing to defend myself. That I allowed anyone to make me feel a certain way. That my power was taken from me. That I still don't know how I should handle those situations. That even if I wanted to, I did not (do not) have the means or knowledge to protect myself if it were to come to that.

Disgust- that any person feels that behavior is acceptable, okay, laughable, "normal." Disgust that it has BECOME normal because of it's frequency.

Humiliated and guilty and so SO frustrated- that as a feminist and an empowered person I let it happen. That those men were looking at me and speaking to me in such a way.

So exhausted at the fact that this is our rape culture.

Walking alone in a parking lot at night should be a safe activity, but it isn't.

I shouldn't hate the feminine aspects of my body because I am afraid of unwanted attention, but a lot of the time I do.

I shouldn't use long hair as a means of having something to hide behind, but it's a great covering tool

I shouldn't have to think about this shit at all ever, except that it's there and so I do.

Conclusion? Josh and I are going to take a self-defense course together. And maybe one day I won't be so afraid to drop some knowledge on anyone who deigns to speak to me in such a way. Or,more simply, I won't be so afraid period.

I cannot stress the fact that there is nothing more frustrating than feeling powerless because of the actions of another human being.

Day 3/4 for doula training! So excited to see everyone and to continue practicing public transit and being in the city all by my lonesome (except not because it's the worst most crowded lifestyle in existence). I don't remember what's on the itinerary today but training seems to get more intense by the hour so I don't doubt it will be exhausting.

However, it's only 3 hours. I get to come back and sleep in my partner's bed (by myself! living with parents sucks for all!) and be back in NJ

...and then back in NY Thursday.

And then back in NY forever for things less rewarding than doula training, like trying to get volunteer paperwork in with the clinics (apparently this is a horrible experience and Lauren has offered to be our volunteer training doula).

Yeah this was useless bye

On Doula Training

Alright. I am showered and semi-settled back into my house. I've checked all my favorite internet trends (RIP FB) and I am decompressing.

It's finally time to write about the ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE weekend I had. It needs to be said that for the first time in my entire life I experienced what it is to be in a completely non-judgemental environment. And to be a contributing factor in that environment.

Friends are safe but we still look at each other's clothes and hair, family is okay but there's still tension...there is always some form or judgement. Or something like it at least.

I feel so refreshed after this weekend. Exhausted, but also so full of this incredibly rich and warm emotion.

I saw an abortion being performed for the first time. It was on projection and it was a clean procedure because it was being filmed. It was only a first trimester abortion. It was simple and straightforward. It was still a terribly difficult thing to watch.

I performed an abortion on a papaya, just to understand the instruments and the procedure. The procedure is incredibly simple and safe, the emotions seem to be what's most at stake during that time in the carrying parent's life.

I explored my feelings on women who want to terminate based on the sex of the fetus- Yes, I strongly agree that she should still be able to receive an abortion.

I heard testimonials from some of the doulas who doula'd some very difficult and emotional and intense labor inductions for women whose pregnancies were anomalies and needed to be terminated, something that the parent never wanted. I cried with these women.

All of us have very different reasons for being there. The doulas in training represent various different backgrounds, genders, orientations, and ages. Some of them have had abortions, many of them are birth doulas as well, all of us have something amazing to offer.

Never have I seen so many woman not even proud, but just so natural in having bodily hair. They normalized my wish to join up with that movement. They also normalized the language of "partner" for me. Keeping the gender of the partner ambiguous, because it's probably the least important factor in a partnership. All of these things I had already believed and practiced very very slightly, but this weekend affirmed that all of those things are okay to do, even if people on the outside might look at me sidewise or roll their eyes or hate me because they don't understand where it's all coming from.

I feel like becoming a doula may be a very healing process for me. I feel much healthier of heart than I have in a while. I'm not even sure how long, actually. But I'm feeling good and I'm learning so much of what it can mean to be a good person just by offering a Presence. Recognizing that everyone is in pain in some way and doing what I can to be a comforting place to go to for help.

I don't know. I just feel great because this feels so right and beautiful and so much better than I ever even imagined it could be.

It needs to be said that I just had an extremely absurd absurd dream. It ended with seeing a boy facing backwards on the front of a motorcycle down a hill as a passenger. Then he was running up hill and the motorcycle was actually another boy who was just his older brother in a boxy robot play car thing. The younger brother was running uphill away from a guy also running uphill who was wearing a green dragon costume. Not the scary kind- like, the polyester shitty type. For some unknown reason I felt the need to help these children outrun the dragon (they weren't even cute OR smart!). Something about a party...

I don't know anything anymore hhaha

I can officially afford to buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts again. How I missed it! I would be able to purchase way more delicious caffeine at McDonald's, but since I have banned that company from my life it is no longer an option.

Our cat nap was interrupted by the heat of this place

Here is a really great list of things I used to love but can no longer find the energy or interest for.

1. Leaving my house, even if it's just to sit outside and read

2. Reading reading lots and lots

3. Running

4. Riding my bike

5. Walking- nope, don't even want to expend the energy on that

6. Not crying over useless things or nothing at all

Great

Bitter

I need to start writing when I'm thinking about happy things. Which currently I'm not, at least not in particular. But I just should. Those things are way more worth writing about *this sentence feels grammatically incorrect.

OH! Here's something. In fabulously happy news, my layers are on the move! Yay, what a great first world success!

ILit

Alright

I want answers answers

Will this or will this not go away quickly? Am I in a valley of rolling hills or a chasm with smooth sides? Did I make a mistake by first looking for outside medical help, then cutting myself off completely from that help?

It never really did help though. I made a friend in the office- two friends really. I told her my problems each week and I cried once or twice. I said goodbye to the other behind the front desk. I walked out the door and responded to messages right outside.

Usually, I leaned against the low half-wall that looks over the stair and took a deep breath; it took a good deal of self-control not to runrunrun.

Usually, class was going to start in 10 minutes from the time my appointment let out, so there were throngs coming up from the lot and from their lunch and from their rooms

with their friends

looking at me

Usually, always I wondered who recognized D216

Closed the door on any drugs but those prescribed

I've learned that neither does the job and both kinds cause trouble

The very worse thing about it is the negative way it affects every single relationship I have.

Today I am reopening my savings account. Momentous happenings. Feasibly, if I had a place to go I could move out of this place right now. Anything I earn on top of this will only help me stay out, which is maybe even more important than leaving in the first place.

At the Secret Art Space one of the bands made an on-mic comment about how "all girls suck."

The riot grrl helping run the show (also a member of the band Ninjessa) had a private word with them afterward. It fucking ruled and it was fucking inspiring.

Things Fall Apart

Well I won't be killing myself over it, which means that it will eventually be alright.

And now it's ours

because now no one but us can see it

I spot the phantom treasures everywhere now

Somehow, they have become more valuable to me than their paper counterparts

A monetary system of my own, filling the jar and watching it grow hold precedence

over the simple earning of the cold hards.

Immediate reward is found at their spotting

although I am searching searching always

Five cents brings to mind what the nest egg represents

Good things, future things, things that are alright because they haven't had the chance yet

to be anything but alright

A special welcome to my anonymous 20th Follower. Thanks all, for reading

It was WEIRD and scary and it felt like it was some sort of backwards progress

(what's that word)

I was thinking that I am a selfish, awful daughter.

That this vessel isn't just mine- it's their's too

That it had been given to me by their making, that I had abused it and maimed it irreparably

That it could have been worse, but that doesn't make anything better

That sometimes I'm lost and sometimes I'm found and my state of being could change mid-day.

That I always have to be on guard til the fibers call it quits

I deleted my Facebook because I’m sick and tired of feeling shitty when I see things or hear things about people who I may or may not even know. I can’t stand how easy it makes me to compare myself to other people and then feel like my own personality doesn’t add up

Also, I’m just plain sick of seeing “friends” I have doing shit that I don’t even get an invitation for, not even for fake. So that’s cool and now I have this and people can look at me on here.

Maybe it will last. Whatever. I was really good at giving up meats when I started the road to becoming a vegetarian in high school so maybe I will be good at going cold turkey on facebook too.

Bejeweled Blitz- I will miss you ~

Facebook is a poison that shows my friends not inviting me places

So I deleted it. We'll see how long this lasts. I have a tumblr, so that's where my photos will go. Any "friends" I have follow me on there so whatever. Fuck everyone.

Today I feel like crying for no reason and it's confusing and scary. I feel irritated and lonely and just fucking sad . I don't know where this shit comes from.

I hate it when the house phone rings because I always feel obligated to answer it and it's never for me anyway and usually it's for NO ONE because it's a recorded message or something.

I feel like these mood swings are pulling me by the fucking hair

Is it better or worse to let myself cry? Should I hold it in? I could easily go either way

Things I'm Good At

Comparing myself to other people and feeling like they are better than me always

Things I'm Nervous About

Work tonight

People who don't know me but who hate me

No sense of security or self-worth

I feel like a total fucking creep for even caring if that person thinks I am nothing more than a total fucking creep. Feeling so down and sad right now. I think this happens every time I get too happy and expend a lot of energy experiencing that happiness. I think that might be the pattern. The sadness "balances" the happy back, except that makes me feel totally unbalanced always. Am I even nice or am I just some sort of freak?

Hatred.

I'm not stupid. I'm just not ashamed of asking questions. That's my main source of learning for forever

I Am Paranoid...

...about people, because people don't like me- especially the ones I don't know

...about my weight, because I can see the curves of my face filling out

...about my hair, because it's thinning in the spots I touch too much

...about my future, because I have none

This is ridiculous but I was watching Freaks & Geeks and that absurd character

Milly...?

She was talking to

the main one

and that girl was all high and Milly was saying that she feels sad for her because she doesn't believe in God and that's why she's so sad and unhappy all the time.

And it made me scared that it was true

because like

I guess as people, we don't do everything in our power to make ourselves happy.

Since we try to learn so much and then we destroy happiness

It makes me think that maybe I should just be one of those people I hate.

A square, a regular, a vanilla type.

Sorry

When I say "I'm sorry" I mean it.

Being sorry isn't shouldering the blame, or taking responsibility. It's just the feeling of sorrow. For me at least.

Maybe I give myself too much credit when I think I can feel what other people are feeling. Maybe it's just me getting carried away with myself, in my own storm of confusing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. But whatever I'm feeling, even if it isn't the same- the sorrow that goes with it is sincere.

I say sorry a lot.

HOME

So right now these words helped me figure out exactly how I'm feeling about the move.

The only home I have right now is in Josh.

I love my parents, I'll miss my family, but that isn't home anymore.

It's really cool when a song is spot on like that. It makes me excited to go.

Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.

Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.

Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.

Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.

Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.

I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.

Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.

We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.

Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...

Some News

First. My spelling mistakes continue. Part of my brain must be rotting, how unfortunate.

Second. I GOT THE EMAIL TODAY INFORMING ME OF MY ACCEPTANCE INTO THE DOULA PROJECT!!!! OH my GOD I cannot even believe it!!!!! So so so so elated. I am one of only 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN THIS EVEN BE POSSIBLE!??!?!

This. Literally. My dream coming to fruition. So unreal.

Of course, any major life anything gives further thought and confusion to the move to CT. I am slowly coming to the awful realization that I am going to need to wise up, swallow my pride, and talk to mom and dad about EVERYTHING. I need to know how willing they will be to support any of this (all of this??). It's scary, because their support is a really big deal. I want to be able to move out and pursue my dreams and have my chance at independence NOW with complete security in the knowledge that they will be there to back me up if something goes bad. Or if I run out of money or need to come home, I need to know they will still be there. This is all so terrifying and exciting.

CRISIS

Last week I spelled fEEt: feAt

Just now I noticed I spelled by: byE

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM EH

I'm tired. But waiting to fall asleep is boring, so here I am.

Couldn't fall asleep last night- couldn't stay asleep apparently.

Living in this ridiculous excuse of a functioning household only solidifies my need to get the fuck out and go somewhere new where I will have respect and my intelligence and ability to function as an adult will not be constantly questioned by the people I am living with. I can't even stand the toll this environment takes on my self-worth. It makes me want to run and escape. The suffocating atmosphere leaves me breathless and happiness becomes a near impossibility.

OH my fuck, so if I’m a woman I have to wear a bra otherwise I’m weird and gross and “slutty.” But if GOD FORBID THE BRA SHOWS THROUGH my shirt, or the straps aren’t perfectly hidden I’m also weird and gross and “slutty.”

SECRET BRA IS THE ONLY WAY APPARENTLY.

What is WRONG with everyone?!?!?! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS.

?

FUCK

We had the talk. The next step, the this could be it, the let's try it this way talk.

I have to tell my parents and I have to find another job and I have to let it sit and make sure it's even a good idea at all.

Time is not the issue. I wouldn't give a fuck if this were 6 months or 6 years or 6 days. Whatever. The point is, this could happen.

Some concerns:

-Not so much the uprooting, but the rerooting. I don't have the same foundation there as he does. I refuse to allow someone else's foundation to become my own. That seems like it's a most unhealthy mistake

-A move could make or break what we have. We've made it through an awkward friendship, and a middle-distance relationship and being next door neighbors. Next steps mean the difference between continuing or ending permanently.

It's really hard to teach anybody anything when you're coming from a position of resentment. I think that's why it's so difficult for me to communicate to the women in my family the frustration I feel at the helpless behavior they embrace because they were born (and identify as) female.

"Oh, when Dan comes over he can fix it."

"The couch is too heavy, when Josh gets here him and your father can move it."

It pisses me off, and in getting pissed off I become the worst kind of obnoxious, empassioned "teacher."

I'm making them deaf and I'm not sure what to do about it

The woman down the street was walking down the road in her white nightgown and slipperless feet. I wonder if she was looking for her cat? I wonder if she has a cat?

I was just watching the news with my mom and the words "If there is a god, he hates human beings" came from my mouth.

I can't tell if I meant it or not

Things to Do

1. Sound less like my parents when I displeased with a situation. Because god that is just not pleasant for anyone.

I'm going to start taking more pictures of things. Maybe I will get better at taking pictures (probably not).

Day 5

Day 5 off shampoo also happens to be day 5 off of medication.

I must say, being off medication has been a far easier adjustment than being without shampoo. Yesterday was just AWFUL and gross.

Today is just kind of gross, but definitely an improvement from yesterday. It looks almost normal, but not quite. I was quite discouraged with the whole thing last night but I'm feeling pretty reinspired.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I HAVE A NOSE RING IN AGAIN. IDENTITY. YES.!!!

Impossible Lies I Tell Myself

If I were more interesting looking, I would be happier

If I had bigger teeth I would like how I look more

If I were one inch shorter and two inches thinner I would be happier

If my hair grew faster I would be happier

If I lived in my own apartment I would be happier (questionably true....)

If I lived in another time I would be happier

If I had a better bicycle I would be happier

First world unhappiness

Shampooless Day 4

So everyone I love tells me I am probably anemic. MYSTERY SOLVED WHATEVER.

I must admit that I am loving my hair just a tad less by shampooless day4. It's really weird to blow it dry because it is a different type of oily and that makes it feel thicker and heavier and just strange.

Not as bad as yesterday though, so hopefully that means it's regulating itself/I'm getting used to it.

Gotta' be an improvement over the constant stripping/filling though right??

I think I'll stick this out for 30 days straight and if I'm not over the oily by then I'll shampoo like once a week? 1?!?!?

Woke up screaming again last night. I remember my sister asking if I was okay and I remember knowing my cat was in the room because I could hear his bell. hmmmmmmmkekekeke

Then when I woke up this morning I stood up, got the dizzy downs, and FELL. IT WAS SO WEIRD. What am I, like 90 years old or something???? All of the blood in my body was rushing to all of the wrong places and suddenly I am falling and then I'm on the ground and then my fingers are numb and tingly and my head really hurts.

Conscious-faint.

What a ridiculous series of events.

Today was strawberry picking with mom and Josh and it was really fun and delicious and when I came home my mom had all this jam lined up and it tastes so good.

Haven't done that activity since I was little and my mom started leaving us behind on those trips because we complained too much.

Josh and I also went on a movie date and that was fun and classic and we bought candy and soda at Target and ate it for dinner at the cinema and it was really good.

The interview was amazing. I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE AT THIS. My interviewer was part of a Leaders' Circle, but thinks I AM A GOOD FIT.

OH MY GOD.

OH. MY. GOD.

IF I ACTUALLY GET TRAINED AS A DOULA I WILL DIE WITH EXCITEMENT AND THEN COME BACK AND BE A DOULA!!!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!

4.5 mile cycle. Kinda lame, but I want to keep it written down

I am currently working on my first project with the Masakhane Center. I'm on board with a group of a few other girls creating sexuality brochures.

This is good, this is real and solid, this is something I can put in a portfolio.

I love reading and being safe and warm in my room and hearing rain outside. My window is next to a roof, so I get that added noise.

So. A lot has been going on. I feel like it's supposed to be good, but living here is like poison to anything that's important to me.

I got the volunteer/intern position at the Masakhane Center. It's a non-profit group based out of Newark and specializes in comprehensive sex education. That's a big deal, that's important. The feedback I get here is that

"Newark is dangerous"

"Newark is far"

"You're paying to volunteer because of the gas..."

blah blah blah. It really brings me down. I want my adult identity to be severed from my parents'. I'm sick of their shit and their pessimism and their vanilla attitudes on everything.

Today I got a call from THE DOULA PROJECT for an interview. Since the Hampshire Conference, becoming a Doula has become my number one goal/career choice. The free training offered by the project could be exactly what I need to get started.

But now I feel like I'm not capable because it's based out of NewYork and that's dangerous, and far, and I would have to pay a lot in gas and transportation to get there.

MY PARENTS ARE RUINING MY LIFE. HhahahahaH

When people break up it always floors me. Even when I don't know them well. It freaks me out- always has always will. It makes me feel weird and sad.

I had a weird dream about a past flame- if you could even call him that. I said 'no' again and out he came, totally mean and awful.

I was being watched the whole time. It was New Years Eve

I cried with guilt when I saw my first lying on the couch alone. We used to spend it together.

I was in my basement and the fat crazy man from a few blocks away tried breaking in. I screamed like the woman in Avatar. He's sick he's sick he's sick he's sick

Day 1 at Bath & Body! wheehehe

I had this terribly ideal dream about a cat who WAS MY VERY OWN named Destiny (ew what an ugly name for a cat!!!!). She was fluffy and small and so so so cute and sweet and we loved each other very much.

When I called her name she would come and hang out with me from wherever she was hiding in her secret kitty spaces.

I guess I had this dream because I was so happy about falling asleep next to my actual cat.

That is total love