What is it about the Fall that makes it such a difficult time of year to be happy? For the first time in a long time I am experiencing that shortness of breath, that weird confusion, anxiety. Slowly, I am living through these feelings during experiences that hardly warrant them.

'Situations' like these may be something I am forced to deal with one season a year for the rest of my life. I guess I'm already prepared for that.

Also, I guess you could say that I am still very confused about what happened last year. I think I have been harboring these feelings of hurt and betrayal by a system that was supposed to help. I can't wrap my mind around whether I would have been better off on my own, without all the interference and outside advice. I can't help but wonder how things might have turned out if I had relied just a little more on myself and less on that system, the drugs, the institution.

I don't know, I hate thinking about this stuff but I am thinking about it fucking always. 'So last year' and no one to talk to about it