WOW. Where is this going?

It ain't over til it's over. Whoa.

I'm glad to be back. Stay this way please.

Well, that's that probably. Next?

Being home was good. I felt rejuvenated and whole. I got a lot of Niki time, I got good $. My cat didn't try to bite me once, and we cuddled twice.

I'm also glad to be back. I felt bad that I didn't see Brian, and he tried to twice. I don't want to see someone out of pity though. Not that I don't miss his companionship. I just hate being guilted into doing anything.

Mmmm something shiny and new

Niki's house.
This town has made me feel safe and alive. Maybe in a weird way I feel okay because I know I won't allow myself to end up like most of the people here.
I dread going back to school and losing the identity I seem to come by so easily here.

Today I feel something that is just brushing happiness. So I'm glad for that.
Home<3 tonight

I can't stand these late nights, these early mornings

"I love raising her, I don't need to raise my own."
One day I am going to seriously explore my dedication to my younger sister, Sarah. I don't know where it comes from, because it seems to be a protective bond that surpasses my duties as "big sister." I don't enjoy many things more than watching her succeed and be completely normal. Maybe I am living vicariously through her. I want to help her to get it right, and not mess up in the same ways that Heather and I did.

Anyway, hi all...this is me procrastinating my paper on Kiki Smith. I just hit 6 pages and I need 8 so that's just fine I guess.

I love twitter.

I am looking forward to being home in less than 24-hours. It will be good to be fed real food and loved and cared about. All I want to do is snuggle with Niki. That meter is never full, can't get enough of that girl. I never thought I could forge a bond with another human being the way I have her. I hope to find that same companionship in a man that I will fall in love with some day.

What I need to know is that I will have a man to fall in love with some day. I am slowly reinstating my status as a love optimist, which is a nice feeling.

Venus tomorrow- not much to say. I've been trying to gauge all day whether I have been feeling any real emotions. I don't feel sad, which is confusing. I think I don't feel much though, which I don't like. I don't necessarily remember happy, when it isn't there it's hard to grasp. But if I were feeling it I think I would know...
Dig dig dig me outta' this hoooole.


Loopy from caffeine, back to work.





endpost.

Never been so poor of money or heart

Now that I've tried it, I can finally understand how it is to have a fling with someone but not really give a shit about it after it happens (both times).
So, maybe that isn't the most honorable decision I've ever made, but here's to me not caring. The dynamics of single life floor me.

Anyway, I'm glad I could get into the brains of a "typical dude..."which, when it comes down to it is actually just a typical young person.

I found this from about a month ago. Heavily edited for this heeeere

"6/21/06. He called me fat again.

Touch face and wrists to indicate weight.
Walking, feel every ounce. With the awareness comes disgust & nausea at my lack of control over myself.
Fat on face, neck, midriff

Why did I allow myself to put that into my body?
It's destructive, I'm a bad feminist, I should try harder, enemy food, hunger is power.
Control. Happiness. Safety.
Off-kilter with a full stomach. Bile at the thought. I slip up, I consume- start from the top.
Can't face it naked, a gross truth: I am too substantial.
Think about it think about it
think think pick
I just really want something to control.
And when I enjoy food, it's only because I have failed.
6.21.06. It wasn't the only time."




endpost.

You can't be like me

But be happy that you can't

I see pain but I don't feel it I am like the old tin man

I'm as worn as a stone

I keep it steady as I can

I see pain but I don't feel it I am like the old tin man

I miss it

I miss it

Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling

I used to fill the sky around with happiness and joy

I had news to give the wind to keep myself and heart employed

I felt people move around me

I felt loneliness and shame

Back then every day was different now each moment is the same

I miss it

I miss it

Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling

The feeling of feeling

The wind upon my face

And caring what it brings this way

The feeling of feeling

The minutes pass away

And caring what I do with them

Baby bring me love or something else


And so it goes a man grows cold

Some would say a man grows strong

They tell me life grows short

I say the road only grows long

And as long as there's a road

My feet will never touch the ground

Fuck, I'm not funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've found hope.

I am showered and clean, I'm making my bed for the first time in weeks. The Freak is giving me a rest today.

*****************************************

And then someone new came along, and he really knew how to treat a lady.

Sometimes it's just really nice to be in forced company with a bunch of pretty alright people who only sort of know me and who I only sort of know. There's no pretending we understand each other or anything like that, just trying to get by in the current environment feeling entertained.
No cell phone reception, good night in the photo lab.

For starters, thank god for defense mechanisms cause they rule.


Leonid last night, except not really. And then the night ended with a bunch of upset lonely little girls who reject what's good and magnetize to the mentally unhealthy. It's cool though, I'm exercising my right to mull over things for like another hour and then I'm through.

I miss Niki and I miss my family. I want to sit on the couch with my mom and annoy my little sister even though she likes it. And find out what the hell goes through my older sister's head and give my dad an uncomfortably long hug because he's good at hugging.

I also know what I don't want, which Venus says is a really good thing.

I'm going to come up with an agenda and I'm going to try sticking to it. This life is a good life, I get it.

*******************************************************

Venus freaked me out because I freaked her out. I wish I could perceive what I say from the perspective of anyone but me. Anybody who has a better grasp of what the fuck is coming out of my mouth.
Appointments were moved and I'm seeing the scary doctor on Thursday again. I hate going to her, she's too intense and it blows my mind.
A lot of what I said today was realized as I was saying it.

Like, I'm not really living but actually going through the motions of living.

I wouldn't mind being taken care of, this is why I want mom and dad. I don't feel like playing adult anymore.

I'm sick of discovering how sick my former relationship was

Showering shouldn't be an effort but it is.

I eat when I'm sad. I don't eat when I'm sad. I'm treating my body like complete shit and I'm not going to do a fucking thing about it.

I haven't exercised in such a long time, after years of a healthy routine. Terrible sign.

I would prefer everyone ignoring me

Anything I do or take isn't working, and that's pretty funny because seriously?





endpost.

I won't really let myself make mistakes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I make the best decisions.

No regrets though, and I may have found something good here.

The Hemingway House was my trip highlight for Key West.


I just finished a huge painting and I don't think I'm happy with it. Class at 945 and I'm nowhere near feeling like I want to sleep, even though I'm tired. I guess it goes without saying that I'm not in the best of spirits, but I am glad to be home and surrounded by comfort and people who want to enjoy life.

I feel strange and optimistic about tomorrow.




endpost.

I got to be the dude: life is good again!

When I was younger I had this weird thing where I wanted to be a boy. Or something. Experiencing puberty as a total tomboy was probably one of the weirdest things I've ever had to go through. There was a lot of confusion and questioning that came with not knowing what the fuck was happening to my body. At 11 I had no female identity, looking in the mirror I saw a completely androgynous person, so when mother nature forced me to become a woman it was a weird sort of betrayal for me.
Womanhood is something that I am still learning to embrace. I would rather be who I am than anybody else, and slowly I am realizing that part of myself is being a woman.

Anyway, this entry is weird and unexplained because if I go any further it might become a little too intimate. But there's some scraps of what went through my head just now.


Anyway, back to the daily grind. Paint, read, write




endpost.

Key West

Key West has been just odd. Overall, very very good.
But not like anything I expected, at least from myself. I get sad at night and I've been tired days.

The depth of what "it" is still floors me. I thought a getaway could fix anything. Weird that I had to prove to myself that I literally have no control over what I am feeling and there is never a "why" to help me come to terms with it all.
What I'm on made drinking almost an impossibility. I wasn't feeling too fun anyway I guess.

I did have a wonderful epiphany this morning though, about how I can't hold anything against him and now I can move on to recovering the friendship part of things. So Key West did that for me. The epiphany didn't make anything better, because it wasn't the root of my problem...but I at least have that off my chest.


Off, home tomorrow, I miss it, I've never been homesick before.




endpost.

I also bought a killer hand made all-cotton backpack.

I went to bed exhausted but then couldn't sleep because I was afraid my phone would turn off and I would miss my plane. I was up about every 4 minutes for a long time. Now I'm "up." I'm scared to function because even blinking feels weird.
But I don't feel too sorry for myself because I am LEAVING here. I want to take 5bee and Paul with me. No one else really matters since Niki will already be there, but I'll miss them. These are the people who have never done anything to hurt me and I that's a big thing to like about someone.

Hopefully Key West will be full of beautiful pictures and beautiful experiences and nothing to do with TOO much partying or too many dudes. That's how I want it to be. Just a complete detox from all that.

I am freezing because I'm so tired and I just heard Alyssa laugh but I'm not sure she's even awake. And I'm not sure why she would be

Too capable of cruelty.

Leaving for Key West in just a few hours. Feeling pretty much nothing about being here. I have a test today, I'm hoping I pass. I hope that I miss a lot while I'm gone. I just don't want to know anymore.

I'll insist on talking to you even though I know you hate every minute of it

Whoa, that got surprisingly bad.

I hate that when I don't feel like eating I have to, because medicines are best taken that way. Yesterday I made the mistake of neglecting that part of my day and puked in my mouth a little.
Disgusting I know, try living it.

Also, something traumatizing happened to me last night which was A WORM LIKE THING WAS ON MY FOOT. I didn't throw up, probably because that was taken care of earlier in my day, but I freaked a little bit.

Then I woke up and didn't feel like moving. I should run, or read, or study or something. I have so much work to do that isn't going to get done when it needs to be. Like tomorrow. I feel like I'm still in this weird mourning period and I don't want to see anyone really, or do anything, except for listen to music that has weapons for words. So that's a terrible way of coping.

I need a doctor's note or something. Excuse me, please.


On a more exciting note, I'm signed up for 4 classes all about WOMEN next semester. Couldn't be happier about that situation. Thanks dad for that weird epiphany about passions you had. Glad mine came in high school and not when I was almost 50. Seriously, because I'm not having kids and I feel like he's built up this lifestyle where that epiphany is only useful for his children and not himself. Which just takes my breath away because of how sad that is.

So I'm going to shower and then do nothing when I should seriously be doing a whole lot of something.







endpost.

My neck hurts

Sunshine day

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

I guess I should finally admit to myself that I am hurting and that I feel used. And it's pain and anger and frustration. I'm confused, and defiant. I am undeserving and I am in mourning.
I discovered that I care more and he cares less than we said we would.
And it's fine I guess. And I'm proud of myself, because I'm letting it go completely until I maybe want it back in a safer way.

And of course, it's all forgiven. Which is sick.

I guess I sort of did what I promised myself I would never do. Or never really thought myself capable of doing. Which is to say, I got mad where I don't have a real right to be.
At least I don't think I do...

Anyway, anger has been enough of a catalyst for me to move on and up and away. Begrudgingly, temporarily. Because who am I to know what I think. I won't go too far

It's hard for me to separate the friendship from the something else. I can't tell which version I'm disappointed with and I want to salvage at least one.



In other news, today has been dragging on and on, but in a good way. Time finally slowed down!!!!!!!!
It's amazing this extra hour we've gained. I went for a short run this morning and it felt GLoo oh oh rious. Also, I pretended that small bit of exercise justified the shit I put into my body later in the day. Probably didn't in reality but whatever.

Back to the MAD SCIENCE GRIND tomorrow.

Long hair coming down her shoulders
She is tired and feeling so much older
So tear the pages from the family bible
It came down upon the women for survival

My. jaw. is. killing. me. Possibly I got punched in the face last night and didn't notice it or something. It hurts to eat. Probably a good thing.

I officially gained like 150 pounds or something, so that's sort of gross, so I'm off for a run.

Fall runs rule my liiiife (when I actually go) wheeee.


endpost.