Getting stronger, going strong

Day 2

Coyote Ugly is just about as dumb as I thought it would be.

My right eye and leg are having spasms, so that sort of sucks?

My allergies are unbearable and it makes me saddd but I LOVE THE FALL and I can't wait to go pumpkin picking and wear androgynous clothing and Timberlands and hear crunchy leaves and see blue blue skies with orange horizons.



I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT

The light?!

Bad spell, here we go again

It just crossed my mind that I really have no idea how much I smile anymore.
When in the world did I become so serious??
I laugh when things are funny, but I feel like I'm never in a "smiling mood."
Lately, it takes a noticeable effort to get me smiling. Some people can get me to smile willingly, but the presence of others can just as naturally lead to tears & self-loathing for how weak I am for allowing someone else to (yes) MAKE me feel a certain way. This means I am not at all in control.

Those sentences didn't make much sense.







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Huge progress with the painting today, I'm getting happy about it. I was pretty down for a while because I felt like it was rejecting me.
Yes, paintings are capable of doing that. At least mine.

I decided that before during after I'm painting, I'm going to write about what's going through my mind. I think it would give me interesting insight into how certain things end up on the canvas.
Here's some of what I wrote today.


"As a painter, I prefer to share visually & withhold vocally. Secrets lose their meaning when they are given away. The mystique of the symbol is lost & raped by the eagerness of the viewer to "get it." I would rather the viewer just feel it.

The experience of painting is draining & emotional and painful, both physically and mentally. It can be a passionate uphill struggle that reaps no reward in the end. As an artist, I bear my soul in each of my paintings. Sometimes, I do not like what I see. Possibly, the occasional forced nature of what I paint is caused by the inability (& refusal) to come to terms with whatever it is that I feel (or don't allow myself to feel) on a regular, exhausting basis.
This is the lot of the artist. I take the challenge on willingly, even though I am tired."

Jeese, can't shake this feeling.




In better news: Work today, WHEEEEE. Hope it goes well so I can allow myself more shopping therapy and buy some lotion for the approaching cold season.

The painting is on the move, I'm about 6 1/2 hours in with at least one more to go. Minimalism.



endpost.

Having troubles telling how I feel
But I can dance, dance and dance
Couldn't possibly tell you how I mean
But I can dance, dance, dance
So when I trip on my feet
Look at the beat
The words are, written in the sand
When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing
The words are, written in the air
Dance
I was a dancer all along
Dance, dance, dance
Words can never make up for what you do
Easy conversations, there's no such thing
No I'm shy, shy, shy
My hips they lie 'cause in reality I'm shy, shy, shy
But when I trip on my feet
Look at the ground
The words are, written in the dust
When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing
The words are written in the air
Dance
I was a dancer all along
Dance, dance, dance
Words can never make up for what you do
Dance, dance, dance

Tonight, while I was painting, I tried to come up with a mental list of qualities that I like about me.

After about 3 whole seconds, I was kind of disturbed to discover I have a splendidly short list of likes and a huge gross list of dislikes.

Here is what I came up with, we'll keep it to likes so you won't be here all day:
1. I like my hair (superficial)

2. I think I make alright decisions and give alright advice

3. I'm honest

4. I have a high tolerance for most people.
Which I'm not even sure if I like this quality about myself, because it mostly gets me into trouble or gives me patience in situations where it will come back and bite me in the ass later...


So that's my list, and I think I should try to fix it. And by fix it I mean extend it.



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Also, the bottoms of my feet are seeing daylight for the first time.

Also, I really like you guy.

Also, sorry that this is like my official whine-box. (Except not because I'm allowed). Promise I don't talk about this shit out loud 24/7...that's what this is for.

I'm glad to know that when I'm drunk and upset and irrational I don't let myself act like a complete asshole.
Also, I never seem to forget that I AM being irrational. Which is weird and kind of doesn't make sense, but I promise you it's true.
I always know that I can trust myself when the voice (very very very far) in the back in my head tells me that I'll wake up in the morning with no more tears and a better way of looking at everything.


ADDITIONALLY, I learned that when shit gets bad and the party's still on, I am completely capable of sending myself to bed. This is an amazingly useful tool.

Raw, drunken emotions can only get me so far, I guess.

endpost.

I'm just wondering when I will be in control again

Totally different selections- same results. THIS PROVES ITS ACCURACY, YES?

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- You are at a point where you are trying to bolster your self-esteem by reviewing and exaggerating your own accomplishments through critical appraisal and even scientific and theoretical discrimination. You want everything to be clear-cut and unequivocal.

DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- You are seeking a peaceful environment so that you can reduce stress and be free of some conflicts you now are experiencing. You attempt to control your situation cautiously with heightened sensitivity and feelings and an eye for detail.

CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- You are very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of partner and you are seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

When you finish taking the test, please let us know if you think it was accurate for you.

Keloids are gross and I thought I was going to contract a disease in the shower this morning because I stepped on a piece of glass from beer that broke like 2 weeks ago.

The only way to describe my progress with my painting today is to say that it looks contrived, forced, and pretentious.
It looks safe and flat.
I cannot wait to go back in and replace each one of those adjectives.
ART IS HARD.



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Another Single Revelation

Something new that has proven to be a fact about me is that I am happy for other peoples' happiness in love, or in like, or in whatever.
I'm happy for other peoples' happiness.

That was a nice thing I learned about myself today.

I'm happy for you guys.



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I'm let down when I get picked last.
I think this makes me a brat!!

200th

: "PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS-- you are at a point where you are trying to bolster your self-esteem by reviewing and exaggerating your own accomplishments through critical appraisal and even scientific and theoretical discrimination. You want everything to be clear cut and unequivocal."
"DESIRED OBJECTIVE--You are a seeking an affectionate relationship which you hope will you offer you fulfillment and happiness. You feel you are capable of great love andyou are willing to adjust and adapt to the needs of your partner in order to achieve this much desired bond. You value consideration and understanding from other people."

I'm so glad I'm single.
So sad that carbs make me glad.

A good piece of advice I was given is that no one person can make me feel anything.

I think that daily, I neglect to use that word properly. Maybe you do too. Letting someone "make me" feel something is just one more way I am giving up the level of control I have over my life and my emotions.

Maybe changing the language of my thought will help me be more in charge of how I think. I have this theory that my brain is on auto or something, leaving me out of most of what it's doing. Problem.

Anyway, instead of saying certain people make me feel a certain way (upset, excited, whatever), I could opt to say that I feel a certain way when I'm around certain people.
If that makes sense
?
It's subtle but it's a difference.

If I put time into changing the language, that means I'll be giving myself more of an opportunity to think about the meaning behind what I'm saying.



So yeah








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Painting 1/3(4?)

The painting is the yellow color(s) of amniotic fluid. It is an exploration of my personal thoughts on bearing children, rearing children, & children in general. I am a woman born without that set of "instincts" to contribute to a population that is already brimming with life. The idea of turning the body into a carrier sits poorly with me. In this painting & others, the fetus will be depicted in "colds." This will be a commentary on my discomfort with motherhood & my view of the fetus as FETUS, something alien & parasitic for me. I will not approach it as a human, a child, or "the baby."

Visually, I'm going to keep this pretty minimalist. There will be a "grid" of thin red lines going through. For me they represent contractions...the entire painting being representative of a womb. The fetus is isolated and very small, to the far right of the painting. Driving home the point of the NONjoys of children (personal perspective). It will be as viewed landscape.

WHEEE!@!!!



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stephenshanabrook.com

stephenshanabrook.com

This month I've learned (or, am learning) that I can trust myself as a single woman.
Being in a relationship for so long has crippled me in numerous ways. I don't mean emotionally.

I know that I've fallen far behind my peers as far as experience and being "loose..." whatever that means. I won't go into details, but most people would be surprised about how little I know about ANYTHING.

I have not experienced what rejection is.
Basically, I don't know the ropes.
But I am learning. Quickly.

I've proven to myself that it wasn't just the relationship I was in that kept me from hooking up with any dude at a party. Not that I have anything against that behavior (seriously, right on). In that respect I'm just not fun, and that's fine by me.
I always had an expectation of myself while in my relationship that I wouldn't be that girl anyway. But when I finally became single, I wasn't sure if I could prove myself right.
Without really trying, I definitely have.

I've also successfully put myself in a situation that I am becoming increasingly comfortable and happy with. Taking things not slow, but actually nowhere. Until maybe things go somewhere, which they may never (good possibility of that). Except that it's fine and in the open either way and really good.


endpost.

That's all I needed. I feel better now.

Recently, someone told me that one way he had of coping with things was to pretend they were not happening.
At the time, I thought this wasn't a logical idea, but I'm starting to feel like it's the only option. I have enough faith in myself that if I freeze up my emotions I'll figure out some way of thawing back out later. Survival mode, right?

I do not think free transit 2009 exists.

I get disappointed easily.
When I was in a serious relationship, one of my catalysts for getting out were empty promises.
I don't miss empty promises.

Hi it's such a good thing that practically nobody reads this because it reflects the CRAZIEST aspects of who I am.
I just wanted to add that it isn't that I'm angry, I'm just lonely. These things happen.

1. Don't tell a girl she's ugly. Period.
2. Don't tell a girl she is stupid
3. Don't make a girl question her character by listing her every flaw
4. Don't tease
5. Don't tell a girl you love her unless you mean it.

I WRITE IN CAPS BECAUSE I AM PASSIONATE. And also, possibly one of those crazy bitches I'm always hearing about, which is unfortunate because I feel like they are squares.

Also also, gaining weight daily. Horrible.

LOVE YOU ALL I GUESS<3

What the FUCK. Dudes just say shit because they think it's funny because they know ladies take it to heart. People are so fucked up.
No one knows how to act or behave and no one knows how to get rid of these people who are so destructive.
How can I make them GO AWAY

HI THAT MOVIE SAY ANYTHING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT

I read time and again that there is no definite set of rules defining what makes a person a feminist. However, I disagree that women who consider themselves strict feminists are not necessarily NOT judging girls who choose to ignore the movement. Does that even make sense? I feel like a certain sense of distaste is conveyed when another woman seems to be breaking these "nonexistent rules" of being a feminist. I guess feeling distaste toward a fellow woman for her chosen lifestyle would be considered breaking the rules though.
...
Half of the time, and for a number of reasons, I feel like I am breaking the rules. I feel like if my feminist peers know too much about me and my insecurities and how silly I am about boys, I would no longer be considered a serious part of the "club." I would discover the rules by breaking them.

Anyway, for months now I've been wrestling with the question of whether I should allow the attention of a dude I like make me feel good about myself. Is it fair to say that I can't HELP but feel good about it? I'm not saying I'm surprised by it, or desperate to keep it (although that would be wondrous). But if it's the right kind of guy, the kind who has no expectations of changing the way I am or the way I look because we've known each other for years, is it okay then?
If anyone makes me feel good about being me, which is rare, I guess it's a good thing. The gender shouldn't really matter then.

I'm sorry that this post is disjointed. I could take it a lot farther than I'm willing to at the moment. Or ever. (as usual).

My blog has quickly become just a reflection of my thought fragments, rather than my whole thoughts. Jotting it all down here. Won't make sense half the time. Sorry.


endpost.

I don't want any fucking dudes in my head unless they want to be there. HOW DO THESE THINGS COME TO BE. OUCH. :(((

At my house, we single ladies (which is all four of us, btw) throw a ball at our physical tape embodiment of love. BITTER BITCHES. FUN GAME.

PERIODS SUCK. WTF.

Also, not funny: riding my bike up hills with gears that tease me but don't actually work BOO:(
I found a secret route today though, so I think the embarrassment when I zigzag up hills with my super heavy bike should be eliminated for the most part.

I could barely do my photo project today because I had some sort of freakish mental wall that made me cry and call my mom like a little baby. I hate it when people cry. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. I'll blame it on the estrogen (lame, I know).

I hate homework and I should have dropped out of school or never come in the first place. If this were Junior year I would def take mental leave. Seriously. Cannot HANDLE THIS SHIT anymore



endpost.

Wait, so why aren't more girls who are sexually active on the pill??

I have a date for prom.
I asked him.
I feel pretty good about it.

The last thing I wanna do right now is read your stupid poetry

Why can't you just tell me what you really wanna say?

You'd clear your conscience with words so weak and empty

But something in your eyes gave you away

And I've been lonely like a silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me like a silhouette or a serenade

Is this all you have to say this broken boy would hang on every word

You tell me that you need me while I slowly fall apart

You'd heal your heartache with words so cool and callous

But the absence of your tears gave you away

And I've been lonely like a silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me like a silhouette or a serenade

And all pretty poems have to end

So I say this before I leave

If words are your weapons my dear I surrender, surrender

silhouette or a serenade

A heart attack or a man betrayed

The arms of love been holding me to you

No one deserves to feel guilty about jumping ship before anything is concrete anyway. I live for myself, which is selfish by another word that might not exist. I can pick and choose where I would like to be, and what I believe in. I can select freely who I wish to be a part of my life...I can dictate how much that person will be around. I am in control where I need to be, I am not in control where I need to be.
I feel guilty about being in control

i dry my eye, dry my eye
falling deeper by the hour
dry my eye
dry my eye, dry my eye
don't let me fall deeper now
dry my eye..

get it out

Happy with my night, in retrospect. I'm impressed by the care being taken.
Feelings existing for years, taken slow when given the chance.
This is the right way to go about things.

All the wrong fucking people at the wrong fucking times.

Cold bed

What girl doesn't want a relationship?



Me

weirdo

I was just thinking about how grateful I am to live with people who are just really good people and have problems and admit it, just like I do.
I'm grateful because they welcomed me with open arms when they didn't have to, no questions asked.
They let me be a part of their pack
I think this is a rare thing.

I like being liked, I don't want to be loved.
I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, I just want to act.



Animals flock to fresh meat.

My homework from Venus this week is to figure out where the panic attacks are coming from and how I work through them. Easier said than done, since they don't even seem real once they're over. Can't it just be as simple as they go away because that's how time works?
I'm not sure that's the answer she's looking for.

I'm also supposed to write nice things to myself in my diary, instead of what I write now. Only a possibility at this point. Haha.


Wednesdays=0 Sunlight Hours Boo:(

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First day of counseling tomorrow.

Pick pick picking pick pick. Recede. Stop.
Pick pick. Stop.
Pick pick pick pick. Recede. Stop.
Pick.

I had this dream that I was trapped. Elevator. Doors closed, no escape in sight. Loss of breath, air, loss of logic and sensibility. Animal panic. Dreams magnifying daylight emotions.

Play it Cool- Text snubbing

I won't go into any sort of detail about our Era and digital technology and advancements and what not.
All I want to know is why I (and maybe you) value texting conversations so much.
For me, not responding to a text is a sort of insult. It also hurts my feelings, depending on who it comes from (mostly boys).
I just can't imagine myself not responding to a message someone has sent me, unless I didn't want that person to be a part of my life. Especially if someone has messaged me a question.
What good does it get us to ignore people via text?

Or really, what good does it get us to get upset about people ignoring texts?

Single life is fun and exciting but it's turned me into a total love SQUARE.



ENDPOST.

A Series of Small Kisses

The rules may not be certain, but there are rules. "Hooking up" with a guy at a party has become such common practice for most that it may or may not mean anything and it doesn't really matter either way. It's for fun and it probably isn't anything too serious.
Of course, I have almost no experience in this particular practice, so who am I to say? Maybe I'm getting it wrong.
I mean, I'm sure there are feelings involved. At the very least, sexually involved emotions.

Anyway, the reason I mention this is because I'm wondering what a series of small kisses could mean?
Why do some people opt out of a full on and very attainable make-out session and choose these gentler kisses instead? Are these kisses more special because they are so uncommon? Do they mean more, if anything?

Advanced Painting and My Feminist Philosophies

I am PUMPED PUMPED PUMPED for my advanced painting course. I had the first class this morning. It's a small studio class, with only 7 other women. I think it is going to be an incredible learning experience, as well as a convenient time for exploration of self.

My teacher wants us to develop ideas about where our paintings will take us throughout the semester. Naturally, my first thoughts were to center my pieces around feminism and my feminist philosophy.
For my first painting I am going to do an exploration on the very huge and very bizarre issue of WHY someone else gets to decide what women do with their bodies.

What makes it bizarre is that those "someone elses" are generally older white males who are not having children anytime soon and are MALES. These are the people suggesting and enforcing laws that prevent young women from exercising their personal rights. Totally gross and scary. Ouch.

In the painting I am going to do my best to allude to something uterine and possibly the idea of woman as just a "carrier" who is being dehumanized. The latter might be reserved for a second painting however, because that is its own separate issue.

Anyway, I think that this is going to be GREAT GREAT OPPORTUNITY for me to learn something about myself, learn a lot about other people, and really solidify how I feel about most things concerning feminism and the right to choice.

WORD.

Anyway-- I'd like all of your opinions and suggestions on ways to approach these ideas.

As a general list, I've written down certain things that I would like to create a visual "conversation" about. Such as my own feelings on pregnancy, the idea of overpopulation and the wrongs of having too many children, an exploration of what life is and who deserves to be honored in life, SOMETHING about Gray's Anatomy and approaching the uterus/fetus/embryo from a strictly scientific standpoint.

Basically: CHOICE.

What are ya'll thinking?? Criticisms or applaud are welcome. SERIOUSLY. If my paintings could also convey the feelings of others that would be a wonder...
;)

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