This entire summer I've nursed the idea that going back to school would pretty much fix every problem I have...imagine my surprise when the same heavy feeling I carried daily didn't go away upon my return "home."
For the first time, Ramapo can't fix everything or make me feel whole and "found" and OK. Maybe this is a good thing, since it's my last year here and once it's over it's over and the security is gone.
Even the people who I've come to count on as my supports are slowly knocking me down without my ever saying a word and without them actually meaning to, so how could they know. Of course, even if they did there's nothing they could do to help it.
These people I surround myself with are so naturally phenomenal and intelligent and full of this huge incredible potential. They have these beautiful dreams of making life better for so many others, and because of their gifts I know that they will achieve each and everything they aspire to.
Somehow, I've allowed myself to demolish any thoughts of big dreams for the sake of not thinking I can actually reach them. It's scary how much I've changed without really noticing.
I feel like I'm suffocating when I see how "together" everyone else seems to be. In high school, I was always on top. If not academically, then with my involvement and dedication to everything I participated in. Which was almost everything, excluding sports. Not that I'm living in the past. At all. I wouldn't go back there if given the choice.
Anyway, so I'm just feeling down and I can't always pinpoint why but I do know that's one of the reasons.
So there's that.
endpost.
No comments:
Post a Comment