This entire summer I've nursed the idea that going back to school would pretty much fix every problem I have...imagine my surprise when the same heavy feeling I carried daily didn't go away upon my return "home."
For the first time, Ramapo can't fix everything or make me feel whole and "found" and OK. Maybe this is a good thing, since it's my last year here and once it's over it's over and the security is gone.
Even the people who I've come to count on as my supports are slowly knocking me down without my ever saying a word and without them actually meaning to, so how could they know. Of course, even if they did there's nothing they could do to help it.
These people I surround myself with are so naturally phenomenal and intelligent and full of this huge incredible potential. They have these beautiful dreams of making life better for so many others, and because of their gifts I know that they will achieve each and everything they aspire to.
Somehow, I've allowed myself to demolish any thoughts of big dreams for the sake of not thinking I can actually reach them. It's scary how much I've changed without really noticing.
I feel like I'm suffocating when I see how "together" everyone else seems to be. In high school, I was always on top. If not academically, then with my involvement and dedication to everything I participated in. Which was almost everything, excluding sports. Not that I'm living in the past. At all. I wouldn't go back there if given the choice.
Anyway, so I'm just feeling down and I can't always pinpoint why but I do know that's one of the reasons.
So there's that.
endpost.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
"Love" Lost?
Before and immediately after my break up I was an optimist for love. I had faith that everyone around me would find the perfect love and so would I (preferably all at the same time).
The loss of friendships and my faith in my own relationship has made me question Love. Instead of being a love optimist I'm actually scared to find anything meaningful. Because meaningful doesn't mean anything anymore. The people in my life have proven that.
Friends from college and from home are gone and I've proven to myself that maybe I don't know how to stick around either.
Niki tells me that I haven't done anything wrong by ending my relationship with Brian, and maybe its some leftover "Catholic guilt" that I was (unfortunately) raised with...but all I can think is that this entire summer I have mourned and mourned friends who've left me in the dust, people who I trusted. In the midst of all this upset I went right ahead and did the same thing to Brian.
I totally bailed on him. I betrayed his trust. I lied to myself and to him. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT MAKE ME?!
More importantly: what does that say for "love." I'm quickly becoming a non-believer. I went from being a total optimist with or without a relationship to betraying love.
Can it be true that nothing lasts forever and I shouldn't even bother preparing myself for new love??
Comment.
endpost.
The loss of friendships and my faith in my own relationship has made me question Love. Instead of being a love optimist I'm actually scared to find anything meaningful. Because meaningful doesn't mean anything anymore. The people in my life have proven that.
Friends from college and from home are gone and I've proven to myself that maybe I don't know how to stick around either.
Niki tells me that I haven't done anything wrong by ending my relationship with Brian, and maybe its some leftover "Catholic guilt" that I was (unfortunately) raised with...but all I can think is that this entire summer I have mourned and mourned friends who've left me in the dust, people who I trusted. In the midst of all this upset I went right ahead and did the same thing to Brian.
I totally bailed on him. I betrayed his trust. I lied to myself and to him. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT MAKE ME?!
More importantly: what does that say for "love." I'm quickly becoming a non-believer. I went from being a total optimist with or without a relationship to betraying love.
Can it be true that nothing lasts forever and I shouldn't even bother preparing myself for new love??
Comment.
endpost.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Productivity Day 2!
1. Obviously, fainting before lunch in a small NJ amusement park counts as being productive. I mean, because of it I got served a drink immediately and was tended to with extra-loving care by paramedics, my mom, and the loud mouth grandmother who was in the line behind us.
2. I watched HSM3.!! This is an accomplishment because my mom and sister watched with me and they had NOT YET SEEN IT. Which is just a such a huge shame. Mission accomplished, go me!
3. Bender Ball with Leslie Bender. Wheee
endpost.
2. I watched HSM3.!! This is an accomplishment because my mom and sister watched with me and they had NOT YET SEEN IT. Which is just a such a huge shame. Mission accomplished, go me!
3. Bender Ball with Leslie Bender. Wheee
endpost.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
ABOUT ALICE Book Review
On Facebook I asked a few people to give me some book suggestions. I wrote all of them down and made a list in my ListBook. I hope to read all of them. The list has 16 books, I have read four so far.
... I guess I should have asked my readers here for some suggestions (the list is still open!).
The first four I read were
Siddhartha (5*)
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (5*)
About Alice (0*)
Julie & Julia (2.5*)
Sometimes, when a book really catches my interest I document my feelings on it throughout the entirety of reading it.
About Alice by Calvin Trillin is a very special book to me. It received absolutely no stars because I have never in my life read a book which I abhorr more. I have a list called Books I Hate. It was inspired by About Alice. The first is Dracula which I read in 7th grade. But really? Dracula does not hold a flame to my strong feelings against About Alice and against Alice herself.
Anyway, I hate that I am even expending ANY MORE energy on this lousy "book." But here is what I wrote in my ListBook (I don't feel like fishing for new words of hatred on this topic).
Day 1-"Absolutely hate it thus far! Okay Cal, we get it : Your wife was pretty. Honestly, does he really expect me to think she is special and offer her pity for being blonde, a bit self-absorbed (gleaned from his descriptions!!) a MOM, and middle-class? Gee, life sucks!
Day 1- "This Alice is a bit too aware of her 'pretty.' Only enjoying the company of attractive couples!?!? Using her looks as a weapon to charm herself out of situations!? I HATE HER. So SHALLOW. She is a worst feminist than me!"
Day 2- ** A quote that I HATED from the book ** "That was one of the best speeches I've ever head. Why in the world are you a Republican?" ALICE YOU BITCH. I'm about as Left as they come but she's giving Blues a bad name!! How obnoxious!"
Day 2-
"Doesn't like games...?
Rules subject to her opnion of a person!? There is a huge difference between having childhood charm and being a downright bitch!
-He describes a woman who was so NORMAL as if I should care.
-READ SOMEONE ELSE'S MAIL. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! The end does NOT justify the means."
So there you have it. My feelings on Alice and her husband's stupid tribute book. Don't read it. Hope you enjoyed this moment of passion.
endpost.
... I guess I should have asked my readers here for some suggestions (the list is still open!).
The first four I read were
Siddhartha (5*)
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (5*)
About Alice (0*)
Julie & Julia (2.5*)
Sometimes, when a book really catches my interest I document my feelings on it throughout the entirety of reading it.
About Alice by Calvin Trillin is a very special book to me. It received absolutely no stars because I have never in my life read a book which I abhorr more. I have a list called Books I Hate. It was inspired by About Alice. The first is Dracula which I read in 7th grade. But really? Dracula does not hold a flame to my strong feelings against About Alice and against Alice herself.
Anyway, I hate that I am even expending ANY MORE energy on this lousy "book." But here is what I wrote in my ListBook (I don't feel like fishing for new words of hatred on this topic).
Day 1-"Absolutely hate it thus far! Okay Cal, we get it : Your wife was pretty. Honestly, does he really expect me to think she is special and offer her pity for being blonde, a bit self-absorbed (gleaned from his descriptions!!) a MOM, and middle-class? Gee, life sucks!
Day 1- "This Alice is a bit too aware of her 'pretty.' Only enjoying the company of attractive couples!?!? Using her looks as a weapon to charm herself out of situations!? I HATE HER. So SHALLOW. She is a worst feminist than me!"
Day 2- ** A quote that I HATED from the book ** "That was one of the best speeches I've ever head. Why in the world are you a Republican?" ALICE YOU BITCH. I'm about as Left as they come but she's giving Blues a bad name!! How obnoxious!"
Day 2-
"Doesn't like games...?
Rules subject to her opnion of a person!? There is a huge difference between having childhood charm and being a downright bitch!
-He describes a woman who was so NORMAL as if I should care.
-READ SOMEONE ELSE'S MAIL. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! The end does NOT justify the means."
So there you have it. My feelings on Alice and her husband's stupid tribute book. Don't read it. Hope you enjoyed this moment of passion.
endpost.
Productivity Day 1
Maybe I should start blogging about at least one productive thing that I do each day??? Just so that I'll start noticing if I don't do anything productive.
We'll see if it's more interesting than blogging about food stuffs (it will be. I apologize for that being so dreadfully dull).
I'll even keep count of the days, to see just how well I can keep up with this little Project!
So here we go, I guess! Productive activity, Day 1:
1. Bonded with my older sister over breakfast and "the giggles" while doing a Slim Without the Gym work out video. (2 for 1!)
2. I called a very good and important friend of mine who I miss dearly and cannot wait to see again on a regular basis. Very mature of me...
3. Doing laundry: RIGHT NOW
Wow, so there's three!
Brava! Now that I've written about it I've given it some importance, yes? I learned in Julie/Julia that just writing about every day activities that may be otherwise dull makes them slightly less dull.
This seems fun.
:)
What a slightly productive human being I am.
Even the very act of turning very ordinary acts into pretend extraordinary acts can be considered productive.
I am on quite the roll.
endpost.
We'll see if it's more interesting than blogging about food stuffs (it will be. I apologize for that being so dreadfully dull).
I'll even keep count of the days, to see just how well I can keep up with this little Project!
So here we go, I guess! Productive activity, Day 1:
1. Bonded with my older sister over breakfast and "the giggles" while doing a Slim Without the Gym work out video. (2 for 1!)
2. I called a very good and important friend of mine who I miss dearly and cannot wait to see again on a regular basis. Very mature of me...
3. Doing laundry: RIGHT NOW
Wow, so there's three!
Brava! Now that I've written about it I've given it some importance, yes? I learned in Julie/Julia that just writing about every day activities that may be otherwise dull makes them slightly less dull.
This seems fun.
:)
What a slightly productive human being I am.
Even the very act of turning very ordinary acts into pretend extraordinary acts can be considered productive.
I am on quite the roll.
endpost.
OKAY.
I honestly wish that less people who know the people who I know read this blog. Because then I could be more honest in asking the world if I am being a very very typical girl BASKETCASE who just does not understand it when a guy who has no clue that I like him does not have feelings for me.
BASKET
CASE
TOTALLY
WHAT THE FUCK
That could have gone better...
I honestly wish that less people who know the people who I know read this blog. Because then I could be more honest in asking the world if I am being a very very typical girl BASKETCASE who just does not understand it when a guy who has no clue that I like him does not have feelings for me.
BASKET
CASE
TOTALLY
WHAT THE FUCK
That could have gone better...
Saturday, August 8, 2009
!!!!!!!!!!
Are you freaking KIDDING ME.
You know the reason that people stop talking to their families over the years? It's because they can't stand them! Exactly who can stand the total lack of respect that only family can provide??
Seriously? Nothing is more frustrating to me than my family intentionally insisting against the seriousness of any feelings that I have. As a group. 3 on 1.
Actually, insisting against the seriousness of any and all feelings that I have. I mean honestly, give it a rest.
I'm taking a total hissy fit, I know. But at least I'm keeping it to myself and not acting like a complete asshole to the people sitting at the table acting like complete assholes to me.
2 adults from a totally generation, 1 adult who has never left home and therefore COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THAT I CANNOT WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
They MUST want me to want to go back. How can my parents honestly deny that being at school and away from home is such a freeing experience!? They are totally backstabbing a huge part of what college is by denying this. And only doing it because they insist on denying me what I feel- Which is that I can't wait to get out of the house and away from them and their meanness!!!
And a sister who has never left home? Acting like she knows me? No.
No nononono no NO.
You know the reason that people stop talking to their families over the years? It's because they can't stand them! Exactly who can stand the total lack of respect that only family can provide??
Seriously? Nothing is more frustrating to me than my family intentionally insisting against the seriousness of any feelings that I have. As a group. 3 on 1.
Actually, insisting against the seriousness of any and all feelings that I have. I mean honestly, give it a rest.
I'm taking a total hissy fit, I know. But at least I'm keeping it to myself and not acting like a complete asshole to the people sitting at the table acting like complete assholes to me.
2 adults from a totally generation, 1 adult who has never left home and therefore COULD NOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY THAT I CANNOT WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
They MUST want me to want to go back. How can my parents honestly deny that being at school and away from home is such a freeing experience!? They are totally backstabbing a huge part of what college is by denying this. And only doing it because they insist on denying me what I feel- Which is that I can't wait to get out of the house and away from them and their meanness!!!
And a sister who has never left home? Acting like she knows me? No.
No nononono no NO.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Strawberry v Chocolate v Regular Milk
Possibly at the ages of 7 or 9 I became lactose intolerant. In my botched and highly unreliable memory, it happened two days after I had heard of this "affliction."
My Aunt Elsa had claimed that if I stopped drinking milk for too long, my body would get used to it not being around and become sick when I did drink it.
Lo and behold!: The next day I coincidentally did not drink milk, and the next day I was LI. What a shame...
Anyway, since then I've had this extremely weird notion that if I flavored my milk with chocolate or strawberry syrup, it wouldn't upset my stomach. I had the same idea about vanilla versus chocolate ice cream (always opting for chocolate for the same ridiculous reason). Was my subconscious relating the color white with a bad time in the bathroom?
I honestly think so.
Our minds and the relationships they make with our bodies are just too out there for me to even comprehend. For me at least, it's just this huge hate-hate-love triangle where my mind is betraying me no matter what-- Either convincing me that my body can afford one more cookie because it looks good that day (lying mind)! Or telling me that no matter how hard I try not to, I will inevitably eat the cookie: even though I don't deserve it (undermining mind).
Or something else mean and vicious and along the same lines.
Whatever, ask me where this is all going because I have no clue.
Breakfast:
1 bowl of cheerios
1 glass of 2% milk with chocolate syrup
2 fried eggs on an onion bagel (and I have work...gross!)
endpost.
My Aunt Elsa had claimed that if I stopped drinking milk for too long, my body would get used to it not being around and become sick when I did drink it.
Lo and behold!: The next day I coincidentally did not drink milk, and the next day I was LI. What a shame...
Anyway, since then I've had this extremely weird notion that if I flavored my milk with chocolate or strawberry syrup, it wouldn't upset my stomach. I had the same idea about vanilla versus chocolate ice cream (always opting for chocolate for the same ridiculous reason). Was my subconscious relating the color white with a bad time in the bathroom?
I honestly think so.
Our minds and the relationships they make with our bodies are just too out there for me to even comprehend. For me at least, it's just this huge hate-hate-love triangle where my mind is betraying me no matter what-- Either convincing me that my body can afford one more cookie because it looks good that day (lying mind)! Or telling me that no matter how hard I try not to, I will inevitably eat the cookie: even though I don't deserve it (undermining mind).
Or something else mean and vicious and along the same lines.
Whatever, ask me where this is all going because I have no clue.
Breakfast:
1 bowl of cheerios
1 glass of 2% milk with chocolate syrup
2 fried eggs on an onion bagel (and I have work...gross!)
endpost.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
How How How???
I don't consider myself to be one of the "skinny bitches" of our nation. Actually, I do not find skinny people attractive and I don't strive to be one.
Thin: yes
Skinny?: Absolutely not.
Every single day, because of the crap that I eat, I am impregnated with FOOD BABIES. We've all had them. Babies born from indulging not in sex, but in something much more sinful: carbs and calories.
For some paranoid reason, I feel that I have a particular affinity to food babies. Gross!
Obviously, I've decided to change things up for a bit (need to keep myself, as well as you, interested!!) and start food journaling. Online.
This might prove to be boring and dumb, but I think maybe it would help me realize what a ridiculous diet I survive on.
Also, it has become HUGE mystery to me what exactly I have been eating daily. I am honestly not sure, except for that I do know it's mostly empty carbs and that none of it is meat (excluding fish).
Anyway. On here I'll maybe write about what I eat and maybe try to psychoanalyze why I chose to eat it and also dissect why I could not prevent myself from eating it. Maybe I will even achieve some new personal wisdoms on positive body image! I want women everywhere to love themselves healthy, but for some reason I struggle with the love part...
Telling myself that the ice cream in the freezer was my enemy worked for about one hour....gradually it progressed into me confusing ice cream as my friend and eating it twice in one day (like right now...hello there food baby :( )..
Um, so here goes I guess. I won't go into much detail now since I'm only starting this nonsense now and haven't really thought much about what I've eaten til this moment..
The list:
Breakfast
A bowl of Cheerios (I lowered my cholesterol)!!
Lunch
Two slices of buttered rye toast
A Florentine Omelet (three eggs, feta cheese, spinach, mushrooms)
Snacky!!
Applesauce
3 scoops of Friendly's vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips (while watching Sex & the City)
Dinner
About 5 onion rings and maybe 15 french fries!!!
And then a double-thick chocolate shake at Friendly's (that's 5 scoops ya'll)!!
LATER
endpost.
Thin: yes
Skinny?: Absolutely not.
Every single day, because of the crap that I eat, I am impregnated with FOOD BABIES. We've all had them. Babies born from indulging not in sex, but in something much more sinful: carbs and calories.
For some paranoid reason, I feel that I have a particular affinity to food babies. Gross!
Obviously, I've decided to change things up for a bit (need to keep myself, as well as you, interested!!) and start food journaling. Online.
This might prove to be boring and dumb, but I think maybe it would help me realize what a ridiculous diet I survive on.
Also, it has become HUGE mystery to me what exactly I have been eating daily. I am honestly not sure, except for that I do know it's mostly empty carbs and that none of it is meat (excluding fish).
Anyway. On here I'll maybe write about what I eat and maybe try to psychoanalyze why I chose to eat it and also dissect why I could not prevent myself from eating it. Maybe I will even achieve some new personal wisdoms on positive body image! I want women everywhere to love themselves healthy, but for some reason I struggle with the love part...
Telling myself that the ice cream in the freezer was my enemy worked for about one hour....gradually it progressed into me confusing ice cream as my friend and eating it twice in one day (like right now...hello there food baby :( )..
Um, so here goes I guess. I won't go into much detail now since I'm only starting this nonsense now and haven't really thought much about what I've eaten til this moment..
The list:
Breakfast
A bowl of Cheerios (I lowered my cholesterol)!!
Lunch
Two slices of buttered rye toast
A Florentine Omelet (three eggs, feta cheese, spinach, mushrooms)
Snacky!!
Applesauce
3 scoops of Friendly's vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips (while watching Sex & the City)
Dinner
About 5 onion rings and maybe 15 french fries!!!
And then a double-thick chocolate shake at Friendly's (that's 5 scoops ya'll)!!
LATER
endpost.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
How is it possible to be sick of people that I don't even see?? And those people are the ones who actually make an effort to be around me?
I DON'T GET IT. Is it something dramatic or just plain old bitchiness and a poor knowledge of how to share?
Either way: there is something wrong with me!! I seriously cannot even stand myself at times. How dare I push other people away while simultaneously complaining about everyone else who has ditched me??!
I DON'T GET IT. Is it something dramatic or just plain old bitchiness and a poor knowledge of how to share?
Either way: there is something wrong with me!! I seriously cannot even stand myself at times. How dare I push other people away while simultaneously complaining about everyone else who has ditched me??!
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