First Reunion

Seeing Brian was better than I could have expected. It was relaxed and easy, guiltless and full of light conversation.
It was just as good as any reunion between two people who get along and who have played a major role in each others' lives. Most importantly, it opened the door for us to pursue a friendship. This is something that I need in order to cope with the loss of what was once my entire life and a person who was supposed to be my future. We hadn't talked since the breakup, but if we really are "meant to be" someday, a friendship will help that be possible. I wouldn't expect this to happen though, unless it was at least two years down the road and consisted of us starting over as if we had never been together in the first place (courting one another all over again, going on dates). In essence, we would need to "relearn" each other.

At first I was not sure we should meet at all, which I mentioned in a post the day he sent the message that he would like to talk with me. I didn't want to see him and have an emotional freakout about how much I missed him and forget myself again, forget why we were over in the first place. The fact that the day was so enjoyable doesn't help, but it doesn't mean too much either. We did not always get along so well while dating. We were impatient and rude with one another, holding each other down because of some hidden resentment for not being perfect. At least from my perspective. Fortunately, my doubts are slowly receding (could I already be moving out of this terrible phase of the breakup?).
Also, reunions tend to cast a more formal glow on conversation, especially when you are busy making sure you aren't hurting the feelings of the person who you've already wounded deeply. They are nice and refreshing, but not necessarily "real."

Anyway, I do not regret seeing him. My mom made a good point of saying that us seeing each other again is something that should happen- We aren't mad at each other, so why should we behave as if we are? If anything, we miss each other desperately. This is a person I talked to at least twice a day on the phone or in person with for the past 5 years...we grew up together. How can I just leave that behind? Family is family, no matter what the circumstances.

The depression and anxiety have not left me completely, but this is most likely an issue I will have for a very long time. Possibly life, since things like that apparently run in my family (thanks dad). If I've learned anything it's that I have a lot of learning to do in regards to myself. My emotions tell me to find something safe and loving, but that is obviously not what I need. Relying on someone else will never get me anywhere in life. Except for possibly divorced when I am middle-aged, leaving me to start all over again completely by myself.

Life. Comment.





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