Sometimes I get this nagging suspicion that people think I use my sadness against them... like a weapon or something... "Hey, I'm sad and delicate be nice to me or I'll do something dumb."

Are the people who I love only around because they are hostage to my vulnerability?

Lately, I find that I cry a lot when I'm going to sleep because I guess I really don't know what else to do. I think that crying is pretty safe right? It feels like I'm getting a lot less done than if I chose any other option though.
So I cry first because I'm sad, then I cry because I am frustrated because crying is all I can do.

Once you win someone over, things change. The level of "being there" changes. I think that people maybe view me as some sort of annoying dumb parasite. They all think they can't be sad around me, they all think I am trying to outdo them with sadness.
It's better to talk to someone you don't know as well, because they'll believe you more.

It's like, even though I'm not fixed completely, everyone else is way over anything I am feeling, was feeling, or will feel. All I know how to do is talk about how I'm feeling. People ask me what I'm feeling, and then it gets used against me. It makes me feel selfish and cruel and mean. It took me 22 years to figure out how to stop bottling things up.
That was like Pandora's box.
So now that I've started it's really very difficult for me to turn it off. I'm not doing it for pity or attention, it's just the way I know how to speak now. I communicate best in terms of feelings I guess. If you ask me what's up, expect me to tell you.

I wish that screaming could help. I hate to think that I thought I was okay without anxiety regulators and now I'm realizing maybe I'm not and I'm dumber than I thought and I should be tranquilized daily to keep me from ruining what everyone else thinks and feels.

I feel sad again lately, and I don't know why. That's probably where all of this is coming from.