I dreamt that my tooth fell out and my mom's advice was to stick it back in. I didn't.
I dreamt that he called me a bitch relentlessly, and without reason
I dreamt that I saw you both and you were looking down on me because you are maybe better than I am.

So the coolest thing about being in love is that no matter how shitty things get I am in love and that love is returned

I AM ABOUT TO DIE FROM STRESS

I love meeting new people. I love making friends. I love having as many people to say "hello" to around campus as possible.

I feel like I maybe do a bad job relaying this message to my peers, and so they all think I am mean. I love friends but maybe I'm not friendly. I'm just kind of awkward and have an unfortunate shy streak (I hate the word shy, it's st00pid). Also, half the time I can't see faces because I sit at the computer too much and the other half of the time I am in outer space somewhere.

What I don't like is that I think a lot of people around here think I do not like them. If that makes sense. Whatever. I can't say that I love everyone I see, but I usually don't not love them either. Especially if it's someone I've never had a conversation with.

It's super easy for me to like anyone, I ain't lying here people.
BE MY FRIEND. :(((((((((

Never let it get the best of you

One page left.
I'm sick of the bullshit but I guess I'm spineless or careless or maybe I lack intelligence
But at least I realize that I am learning and I still know how to scream when I feel cornered

That doesn't happen often, because that's what doors are for
I am a runaway always

We danced in the hall we danced in the rain. I didn't have shoes on and I was without a flock but I did it anyway.

I miss you most when the love is suddenly on disconnect
Whether in contact or distant

Wedding day wheeeee!!!!!!

I love thinking outdoor thoughts

One of my favorite things to date
is when we say "I love you"
and we sound surprised
because sometimes it's surprising
how good it is

What I wish most is that we never take each other for granted

It's weird to know so much about but hardly know the sound of your voice or where you buy your clothing. I know your fears, I know your faults, I know your family, I know your health.
I like you from over here, I think, but not face to face because I've never really gotten that chance. And I guess that's pretty weird. And I wonder how much you know about me, because I think you know a lot.


endpost.

My insides refuse to hold the tiramasu ice cream I have given it
I need to brush my teeth
Throat itches
Cold


Things are okay. Sometimes I feel like people say mean things to the world wide web and that those things are somehow, impossibly, directed at me. Is this weird? Probably. But I keep having these weird dreams and they're all related to what I read and so I never know what's real and what is dream anyway.
I'm just barely going to make it to the end. I'm glad to say this semester has kicked my ass, my stomach, my arms, my chest pretty fucking hard. I am winded and wounded and exhausted but I'm there. It feels good to have earned something. No one can take this away from me.

Lately I have been feeling very tired but also very lucid and just medicated enough


endpost.

Fucked.

Here are some reasons why I am fucked and won’t go back to sleep this night.

1. I am running out of time and resources to finish my senior project. For the first time in a long time, I seriously regret the time wasted in sunshine. I have at least 5 solid days of work to complete before the installation will be finished. Add classes and other assignments, and sleep, and eating, and the bathroom in the mix which takes me basically up to May 5, the day of the show. Fucked.

2. Gospel choir. It’s easy and fun but God it is sucking the life out of me. The concert is next week. Fucked.

3. The paper that is late that I didn’t start yet. Totally fucked

4. The paper due Monday that will be far more difficult to complete…also not on it’s feet. Followed by the take-home final for the same class. The last take home exam was hard as shit. Fucky.

5. All of this senior day stuff. I have to remember to get the parking tickets, and sign up for rooming, and pick up the ugly cap & the ugly gown with the stupid brown tassle. This needs to be done by today.

Also done by today is cutting and assembling 60 ft of PVC, to aid me in completing #1. 60 feet is like nothing when it comes down to it. SHIT.

damndamndamn. I wish I could do something about this stuff now. Mostly, I am worried about my seminar, but I need all of that other stuff to get done in order to graduate successfully.

Wahimmacryaboutitnow

PS I’m hungry because I don’t have time to eat anymore

:)

I had an amazing weekend. At the Hampshire Conference I further discovered my feminist identity. Cool. I won't go into it, because if I start I will just never stop.

Word of advice though: if you are a woman, check out your cervix- it is a beautiful thing.


On a more personal level,I go through these weird extremes of security/insecurity regarding my partner. However, after this weekend I feel that I am finally swinging permanently into the secure (and also sane) state of mind with this relationship. Yeah. Also won't go into it too much, but I'm feeling great and attractive because I am me, so that's something new. Things like this can only help and energize and make strong love grow stronger.

I feel like I'm taking a lot off my chest in my personal life lately, leaving little to no time for schoolwork. Fuck it- who needs it?????( I WISH THIS WERE TRUE. I NEED IT TO GRADUATE.)



bye



endpost.

Hampshire Conference TOMORROW. FUCK.YES.FEMINISMFEMINISMWHEEEEHAHAHAHA

I'm tired with bags under my eyes and I'm going to try keeping my mouth shut for once in my fucking life and then maybe everything will leave me alone somehow

I'm not feeling well and I can't quite grasp why, because spring was like my last chance to be better. Sunshine is supposed to fix everything. If this is how I am again by the next cold winter I will just crawl out of my body and give it all the fuck up

Sometimes I get this nagging suspicion that people think I use my sadness against them... like a weapon or something... "Hey, I'm sad and delicate be nice to me or I'll do something dumb."

Are the people who I love only around because they are hostage to my vulnerability?

Lately, I find that I cry a lot when I'm going to sleep because I guess I really don't know what else to do. I think that crying is pretty safe right? It feels like I'm getting a lot less done than if I chose any other option though.
So I cry first because I'm sad, then I cry because I am frustrated because crying is all I can do.

Once you win someone over, things change. The level of "being there" changes. I think that people maybe view me as some sort of annoying dumb parasite. They all think they can't be sad around me, they all think I am trying to outdo them with sadness.
It's better to talk to someone you don't know as well, because they'll believe you more.

It's like, even though I'm not fixed completely, everyone else is way over anything I am feeling, was feeling, or will feel. All I know how to do is talk about how I'm feeling. People ask me what I'm feeling, and then it gets used against me. It makes me feel selfish and cruel and mean. It took me 22 years to figure out how to stop bottling things up.
That was like Pandora's box.
So now that I've started it's really very difficult for me to turn it off. I'm not doing it for pity or attention, it's just the way I know how to speak now. I communicate best in terms of feelings I guess. If you ask me what's up, expect me to tell you.

I wish that screaming could help. I hate to think that I thought I was okay without anxiety regulators and now I'm realizing maybe I'm not and I'm dumber than I thought and I should be tranquilized daily to keep me from ruining what everyone else thinks and feels.

I feel sad again lately, and I don't know why. That's probably where all of this is coming from.