I feel like fucking shit because nothing I do makes anyone else stop feeling like shit. And on top of that I already felt like fucking shit.

What is it about the Fall that makes it such a difficult time of year to be happy? For the first time in a long time I am experiencing that shortness of breath, that weird confusion, anxiety. Slowly, I am living through these feelings during experiences that hardly warrant them.

'Situations' like these may be something I am forced to deal with one season a year for the rest of my life. I guess I'm already prepared for that.

Also, I guess you could say that I am still very confused about what happened last year. I think I have been harboring these feelings of hurt and betrayal by a system that was supposed to help. I can't wrap my mind around whether I would have been better off on my own, without all the interference and outside advice. I can't help but wonder how things might have turned out if I had relied just a little more on myself and less on that system, the drugs, the institution.

I don't know, I hate thinking about this stuff but I am thinking about it fucking always. 'So last year' and no one to talk to about it

Doing other peoples' chores is really fucking cool when you work for 13 days straight with no days off.

Fuck you mom, put away your own damn pizza. You got fucking meat on it so I can’t eat it anyway. I honestly don’t care how tired you are after your three day VACATION in Cape May. My bad for working 45 hours this week with no day off for two weeks straight.

My family is full of pieces of shit, I don’t care how much money I have to pay- I’ll pay it to get the fuck away from everyone.

Also, I folded your laundry yesterday. ???? Um- YOU'RE WELCOME??

I'm sick of missing my partner and my best friend.

Today I had my first nervous breakdown of fall. Fall '10- 1, Fall '09- 23

So we started the house hunt today. We only looked at two but I came home feeling drained and a little anxious.

The first house, on Sioux Street, would have been so perfect but it was South Side Bethlehem and I don't even want to get involved with that. The cemetary, the driveway, ughhhh I will forever want to live in you but it probably just isn't meant to be. It was $1200 + utilities, probably the highest any of us would be willing to spend.

The second house was on Linden Street. Price was perfect: $950 + utilities. Weird thing that realtor didn't notice until Niki and I did???: There was ONE closet between three bedrooms (which, also weird: were connected...).

Anyway, we drove by the house on Atlantic and it was just NO. The closer we got to it the less interested we became. We called the realtor and cancelled the appointment. It felt to risky to even leave our car on the street for the 10 minutes it would have taken to find the house.

Soooo who knows what is next. Who knows who's in and who's out, and who knows when or where any of us will end up? It's stressful, but I'm glad we started now because it's going to take a long time to find something perfect.

Next up for Josh and me is to check out a $900 property in Bath. It's 2440sq feet, but I'm worried it may be a mostly white area that isn't too tolerant of anyone who is not white. From what I've researched quickly, I'm not warming up to it so far...but I'm definitely excited to see this property and find out for myself if the environment feels unsafe.

Weee shall see shall seeeee ee eeeee.

At the time, my nose piercing was giving me a lot of problems. I needed to clean it daily with alcohol swabs because that's what was available to me. I had to ask permission every night, with an explanation why.

At 9:49AM my older sister woke me up and shoved breakfast at my mouth. It was tasty, I almost fell asleep while ingesting.

A few things:

1. I’m liking the mullet that’s starting to grow there.

2. I’m liking (and continuously exploring) how flexible this new hair allows me to present myself. I can still be as feminine and ‘pretty’ as I want whenever I want; but because of the length I also have the option of being as unfeminine as I desire. Which is really awesome and a choice I didn’t have with the long wavy locks (may they rest in peace). So now I can hide behind my hair in a new way that isn’t physically hiding behind it and also use it as a tool of ~self-exploration~

3. Since I can’t physically hide behind this hair, I’ve quickly become way more accustomed to the way my body looks and for the first time since I can remember (since it mattered) I am …loving my body…? I’m finding that I’m okay wearing the ‘tighter’ (and by tighter I mean that they aren’t oversized) clothes and not trying to hide the hips that I do have. And it kinda’ rules.

So yeah I’m still just as obsessed with my short ‘do as I was with the old stuff. Major changes are good this time around.

I had a dream about work which is funny. My fingers are cold and I'm wearing a scarf- fuck you house!!

Yesterday Josh and I went apple picking again with Heather and Dan. It was fun. A

n apple fell on my face but we got to take lots of pictures and put up with asshole parents with a false sense of entitlement. Whatevs you guys.

I wish Fall mornings were as magical as Fall afternoons (less cold).

I feel like I got cheated out of finishing the minor I was passionate about because of illness. Fucking fuck me

October is blowing by. Working a shit ton and driving all around NJ which I absolutely abhor.

However, my paycheck$ can now support the ~traveling lifestyle so it eases the pain a teensy bit.

37 and 43 hour weeks coming up. The most I'll have ever worked ever. Gonna' be big money, gonna' be lots of pain and probably crying.

My left eye hurts. Give me pizza, give me pie, pizza pie pizza pie pumpkin pie pretty please

If there had been more friends in my life at the time, I would have more people to talk to about it now.

It's old news to most people. Also, one of my #1's (Thom) is in recovery so bad timing for me to be all sad face

Today my mom told me that she wants me to 'talk to someone' because 'there is no way anyone could recover from what happened last year so quickly.'

It freaks me out when my mom shows any level of concern like this, it makes me think that I actually have something to worry about.

Which, loyal readers, you already know that I do (based on previous thoughts and posts).

Anyway, I honestly don't feel like checking in with anyone. Ever. I already have to make a follow-up appointment with the lady doctor and hope that I'm not diseased or something because Science blessed me with a vagina.

Doctors take time and stress and money. I want to focus on working and living and loving and not seeing doctors on my days off.

Truth be told I am pretty traumatized about the events that unfolded exactly now a year ago. I can't tell if it's better or worse to keep it all in and try to ignore it all. I cry about it still because the whole thing was so fucking overwhelming, and that freaks me out. The events of last year are what kept me from finishing my women's studies minor, so they're something that still affect me.

The lifestyle I lead today is directly related to all the shit that was happening before.

Anyway, I was talking to Josh about all of this and just wishing that it could be like 7 years ago instead of 1. I never want to hear about it or think about it again.

I'm crying for 10 kids I didn't know because they shouldn't have fucking died.

All of these deaths happened because of other CHILDREN who were raised in an ignorant environment and did not have their disgusting behavior corrected. Parenting as simple as ‘hey, it’s not okay to make fun of someone for being gay’ could have SAVED 10 LIVES. Fuck so many things and so many people right now.