I guess I should give a real update but only kinda' because I am currently in Niki's bedroom with her and Mary.
Anyway, I think I want to live in New Brunswick. Or like, a college town. I can still do that because I'm still college age. I would have the option of being exposed to so many different faces without having to be at a party in a tight space with little to no light and lots of sweat. And I could watch people go into and out of those parties from the pizza/fat sandwich/ice cream place. Or I could go to those dark parties if I want to. OPTIONS.

When we were walking around yesterday it felt good to see different faces for once. It's good to see first hand that people outside of those I know exist. And people *ANY PEOPLE * outside of my family are walking around somewhere.

I probably could never afford to live there maybe. And I don't know who I would live with. And that brings about all sorts of scary weird questions about where my life will be and blah blah whatever.

Okaybye.



endpost.

First post-grad Ramapo style reunion. It was nice and now it feels like it never happened. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Um WHAT EVEN I am freaking out FINALLY about the fact that I WILL NOT BE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE THIS SEMESTER. WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL.

I want to go back and I want to freeze time and live with 27B always and have snow storms and cook breakfast together and drink hot chocolate and be in a room all of us snowed in.

And then go outside some of us, and run around like maniacs in our pajamas because we get cabin fever.

I want the LoveBall back and I want to throw it at the heart we had on our bathroom door that was crossed out for all the hard times we had with dudes because we were clueless and too loving.

I want tables to dance on and a sticky floor even after we wash it because Ramapo never gave it a glossy pretty layer like all the other rooms in the village.

I want the option of stealing people's oven buttons after ours got hidden and we couldn't find them all and we didn't want a fine so we just took someone else's. And also the microwave plate. And also the 4 ft sub from that stupid tent for Village resident's only.

I want neighbors who won't call the cops *security * on us when we scream at the top of our lungs because we are feeling so frustrated and so unhappy, or so excited and so happy.

I want to dance to Bieber and do other awkward things in front of the Photobooth*BirthdaySex

And sit in the window during the day watching classes walk around or outside on the blanket. Or at night with the lights out because no one could see us that way.

THIS WAS TOO SAD IDK WHY IT HAPPENED NOW SO LONG AFTER WE GRADUATED, BUT FUCK I WANT IT ALL BACK. ALSO I WANT THE OPTION OF SLEEPING OVERNIGHT WITH MY BOYFRIEND. JEESE.

My throat hurts my face is hot my eyes burn I keep peeing because I keep drinking water because my throat hurts SOS

Lazy days with you

are better

than lazy days without you

I feel like I am the definition of being 'too little too late'

I feel sad and I feel like a fuck up

I think it's FUCKED up when people make jokes about self-mutilation as if it's something that doesn't exist.

I can guarantee that every person I know has someone in their lives who's gone through that experience, and it's a shitty fucked up thing to do. Period.

That said, fuck off and good night

I have enough money to move out, but if I want to move out and stay out I need to be making about $90 more each paycheck.

Just short...fucky.

Fun Fact! Yesterday the woman who birthed me (affectionately reffered to as mother.) got really irrationally mad at me because I refused to put away the ice cream she took out! I didn't notice it when I put the rest away NBD.

Anyway she threw a hissy fit and now she still isn't talking to me which is just ridiculous. *But I win because she made my favorite breakfast (PANCAKES DUH) and I didn't even have to do anything but sit there and think to myself since she was ignoring me.

....

So! The point of this is that I finally understand how it is when children get so mad at their parents and the parents just do not seem to care because a lot of the time it's about something irrelevant and st00pid. As the child, that type of treatment is the most frustrating.

BUT IN THIS CASE I'M the one who holds the power because I'm the rational one. COOL!

EAT THAT MOM

endpost.

And now, finally- I get it

Dear Niki,

I love you. Thank you for saving my life by finding a toothbrush for me last night and even coming outside to hand it to me through my car window when I came to pick it up. Also, thank you for pointing out that the very best part of the toothbrush was the fact that it says Sunstar on top (even though the toothbrush doesn't actually say that- it was just the packaging).

SEE YOU LATER BYE

APPARENTLY I CAN'T PUT THE HEART SYMBOL ON HERE WHATEVER IT'S LOVE ANYWAY

We grew up in cellophane, neon cereals, tanning cathode rays
We were rinsed in pesticide, bleached with aspartame, antiseptic play

You could tell from our soft feet
We were strangers to the land
And you could tell from our clean clothes that we were petrified of dirt and plants and sand

Take me out to the forest
Roll me in the soil, let me smell the earth
Paint my face with berries
Stuff them in my mouth 'til my stomach bursts

And when the brambles shred my skin
I bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on my hands
Are not from a lab, no they come from the land

We are flailing in these waves: radio and sound, riptide gamma rays
Coughing up zeroes and ones, gurgling through machines, electronic embrace

Take me down to the river
Dunk me underneath, let me taste the clay
We'll lose our shoes in the mudflats
Seeping through our toes, grabbing at our legs

When the brambles shred my skin
I bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on my hands
Don't come from an ad, no they come from the land

Our kids stumble through the haze, carbon thunderheads, toasting UV rays
They know a world concrete and gray, free from any green, sanitized and paved
So each morning when you rise, rub your hands against the dirt
And for that day, my child, you'll shed your fear of the earth

And when the brambles shred your skin
You'll bleed a red that shows the life within
And the blackberry stains on your hands
Are not from a lab, no they come from the land

I woke up on Cannon Beach, salt upon my face, seaweed in my hands
Waves kept washing over me, urging I come home, come home to the land

We come from the land
We come from the land

This is my favorite song right now. Elk Rock Island by Attica!Attica!. Aaron is an awesome dude and this song is the most beautiful.

Sometimes all it takes for me to fly off the handle is having no idea where my toothbrush is.

So I reactivated my facebook but I'm not on it too much and there isn't much to look at anyway because I deleted and deleted 'connections' until I as left with only 129.

The deletions were nothing personal because they weren't friendships anymore anyway, that's why it was so easy to do.

I'm going to start walking again for 30 minutes a day. My body is the biggest traitor, I was given the rattiest most poisonous thing that acts as my brain. Because of that brain thing I can no longer do extraneous amounts of exercise on a daily basis like I used to. The two weeks where I was either running or cycling a good deal were the two weeks I was flying off the handle for no reason (pretty much ever.)

How sad is that?????

I think I will work back up to more serious exercise and when I do it will be for a set goal, so that I stay consistent with it. I need to run a half marathon and a full marathon before 50.

When I lose consistency, shit starts going bad very quickly. So. Walking. Consistently. For now.

endpost.

The absolute worst way to finish a day is to be left feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and then pissed off with yourself.

Verbal sexual harassment is a very constant very real struggle, at least for me.

After getting off the train tonight I walked to my car alone and was accosted by three men.

Before it happened I knew it was going to. After it happened I was angry and humiliated. Then I was freaking out, then I was very upset.

I guess all I can really write about is how that stuff makes me feel.

I don't think I have the authority to say that all men are responsible for this behavior, or that all women are responsible, the only person I can be responsible for is myself.

So, I felt anger- that I did nothing to defend myself. That I allowed anyone to make me feel a certain way. That my power was taken from me. That I still don't know how I should handle those situations. That even if I wanted to, I did not (do not) have the means or knowledge to protect myself if it were to come to that.

Disgust- that any person feels that behavior is acceptable, okay, laughable, "normal." Disgust that it has BECOME normal because of it's frequency.

Humiliated and guilty and so SO frustrated- that as a feminist and an empowered person I let it happen. That those men were looking at me and speaking to me in such a way.

So exhausted at the fact that this is our rape culture.

Walking alone in a parking lot at night should be a safe activity, but it isn't.

I shouldn't hate the feminine aspects of my body because I am afraid of unwanted attention, but a lot of the time I do.

I shouldn't use long hair as a means of having something to hide behind, but it's a great covering tool

I shouldn't have to think about this shit at all ever, except that it's there and so I do.

Conclusion? Josh and I are going to take a self-defense course together. And maybe one day I won't be so afraid to drop some knowledge on anyone who deigns to speak to me in such a way. Or,more simply, I won't be so afraid period.

I cannot stress the fact that there is nothing more frustrating than feeling powerless because of the actions of another human being.

Day 3/4 for doula training! So excited to see everyone and to continue practicing public transit and being in the city all by my lonesome (except not because it's the worst most crowded lifestyle in existence). I don't remember what's on the itinerary today but training seems to get more intense by the hour so I don't doubt it will be exhausting.

However, it's only 3 hours. I get to come back and sleep in my partner's bed (by myself! living with parents sucks for all!) and be back in NJ

...and then back in NY Thursday.

And then back in NY forever for things less rewarding than doula training, like trying to get volunteer paperwork in with the clinics (apparently this is a horrible experience and Lauren has offered to be our volunteer training doula).

Yeah this was useless bye

On Doula Training

Alright. I am showered and semi-settled back into my house. I've checked all my favorite internet trends (RIP FB) and I am decompressing.

It's finally time to write about the ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE weekend I had. It needs to be said that for the first time in my entire life I experienced what it is to be in a completely non-judgemental environment. And to be a contributing factor in that environment.

Friends are safe but we still look at each other's clothes and hair, family is okay but there's still tension...there is always some form or judgement. Or something like it at least.

I feel so refreshed after this weekend. Exhausted, but also so full of this incredibly rich and warm emotion.

I saw an abortion being performed for the first time. It was on projection and it was a clean procedure because it was being filmed. It was only a first trimester abortion. It was simple and straightforward. It was still a terribly difficult thing to watch.

I performed an abortion on a papaya, just to understand the instruments and the procedure. The procedure is incredibly simple and safe, the emotions seem to be what's most at stake during that time in the carrying parent's life.

I explored my feelings on women who want to terminate based on the sex of the fetus- Yes, I strongly agree that she should still be able to receive an abortion.

I heard testimonials from some of the doulas who doula'd some very difficult and emotional and intense labor inductions for women whose pregnancies were anomalies and needed to be terminated, something that the parent never wanted. I cried with these women.

All of us have very different reasons for being there. The doulas in training represent various different backgrounds, genders, orientations, and ages. Some of them have had abortions, many of them are birth doulas as well, all of us have something amazing to offer.

Never have I seen so many woman not even proud, but just so natural in having bodily hair. They normalized my wish to join up with that movement. They also normalized the language of "partner" for me. Keeping the gender of the partner ambiguous, because it's probably the least important factor in a partnership. All of these things I had already believed and practiced very very slightly, but this weekend affirmed that all of those things are okay to do, even if people on the outside might look at me sidewise or roll their eyes or hate me because they don't understand where it's all coming from.

I feel like becoming a doula may be a very healing process for me. I feel much healthier of heart than I have in a while. I'm not even sure how long, actually. But I'm feeling good and I'm learning so much of what it can mean to be a good person just by offering a Presence. Recognizing that everyone is in pain in some way and doing what I can to be a comforting place to go to for help.

I don't know. I just feel great because this feels so right and beautiful and so much better than I ever even imagined it could be.

It needs to be said that I just had an extremely absurd absurd dream. It ended with seeing a boy facing backwards on the front of a motorcycle down a hill as a passenger. Then he was running up hill and the motorcycle was actually another boy who was just his older brother in a boxy robot play car thing. The younger brother was running uphill away from a guy also running uphill who was wearing a green dragon costume. Not the scary kind- like, the polyester shitty type. For some unknown reason I felt the need to help these children outrun the dragon (they weren't even cute OR smart!). Something about a party...

I don't know anything anymore hhaha

I can officially afford to buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts again. How I missed it! I would be able to purchase way more delicious caffeine at McDonald's, but since I have banned that company from my life it is no longer an option.

Our cat nap was interrupted by the heat of this place

Here is a really great list of things I used to love but can no longer find the energy or interest for.

1. Leaving my house, even if it's just to sit outside and read

2. Reading reading lots and lots

3. Running

4. Riding my bike

5. Walking- nope, don't even want to expend the energy on that

6. Not crying over useless things or nothing at all

Great

Bitter

I need to start writing when I'm thinking about happy things. Which currently I'm not, at least not in particular. But I just should. Those things are way more worth writing about *this sentence feels grammatically incorrect.

OH! Here's something. In fabulously happy news, my layers are on the move! Yay, what a great first world success!

ILit

Alright

I want answers answers

Will this or will this not go away quickly? Am I in a valley of rolling hills or a chasm with smooth sides? Did I make a mistake by first looking for outside medical help, then cutting myself off completely from that help?

It never really did help though. I made a friend in the office- two friends really. I told her my problems each week and I cried once or twice. I said goodbye to the other behind the front desk. I walked out the door and responded to messages right outside.

Usually, I leaned against the low half-wall that looks over the stair and took a deep breath; it took a good deal of self-control not to runrunrun.

Usually, class was going to start in 10 minutes from the time my appointment let out, so there were throngs coming up from the lot and from their lunch and from their rooms

with their friends

looking at me

Usually, always I wondered who recognized D216

Closed the door on any drugs but those prescribed

I've learned that neither does the job and both kinds cause trouble

The very worse thing about it is the negative way it affects every single relationship I have.

Today I am reopening my savings account. Momentous happenings. Feasibly, if I had a place to go I could move out of this place right now. Anything I earn on top of this will only help me stay out, which is maybe even more important than leaving in the first place.

At the Secret Art Space one of the bands made an on-mic comment about how "all girls suck."

The riot grrl helping run the show (also a member of the band Ninjessa) had a private word with them afterward. It fucking ruled and it was fucking inspiring.

Things Fall Apart

Well I won't be killing myself over it, which means that it will eventually be alright.

And now it's ours

because now no one but us can see it

I spot the phantom treasures everywhere now

Somehow, they have become more valuable to me than their paper counterparts

A monetary system of my own, filling the jar and watching it grow hold precedence

over the simple earning of the cold hards.

Immediate reward is found at their spotting

although I am searching searching always

Five cents brings to mind what the nest egg represents

Good things, future things, things that are alright because they haven't had the chance yet

to be anything but alright

A special welcome to my anonymous 20th Follower. Thanks all, for reading

It was WEIRD and scary and it felt like it was some sort of backwards progress

(what's that word)

I was thinking that I am a selfish, awful daughter.

That this vessel isn't just mine- it's their's too

That it had been given to me by their making, that I had abused it and maimed it irreparably

That it could have been worse, but that doesn't make anything better

That sometimes I'm lost and sometimes I'm found and my state of being could change mid-day.

That I always have to be on guard til the fibers call it quits

I deleted my Facebook because I’m sick and tired of feeling shitty when I see things or hear things about people who I may or may not even know. I can’t stand how easy it makes me to compare myself to other people and then feel like my own personality doesn’t add up

Also, I’m just plain sick of seeing “friends” I have doing shit that I don’t even get an invitation for, not even for fake. So that’s cool and now I have this and people can look at me on here.

Maybe it will last. Whatever. I was really good at giving up meats when I started the road to becoming a vegetarian in high school so maybe I will be good at going cold turkey on facebook too.

Bejeweled Blitz- I will miss you ~

Facebook is a poison that shows my friends not inviting me places

So I deleted it. We'll see how long this lasts. I have a tumblr, so that's where my photos will go. Any "friends" I have follow me on there so whatever. Fuck everyone.

Today I feel like crying for no reason and it's confusing and scary. I feel irritated and lonely and just fucking sad . I don't know where this shit comes from.

I hate it when the house phone rings because I always feel obligated to answer it and it's never for me anyway and usually it's for NO ONE because it's a recorded message or something.

I feel like these mood swings are pulling me by the fucking hair

Is it better or worse to let myself cry? Should I hold it in? I could easily go either way

Things I'm Good At

Comparing myself to other people and feeling like they are better than me always

Things I'm Nervous About

Work tonight

People who don't know me but who hate me

No sense of security or self-worth

I feel like a total fucking creep for even caring if that person thinks I am nothing more than a total fucking creep. Feeling so down and sad right now. I think this happens every time I get too happy and expend a lot of energy experiencing that happiness. I think that might be the pattern. The sadness "balances" the happy back, except that makes me feel totally unbalanced always. Am I even nice or am I just some sort of freak?

Hatred.

I'm not stupid. I'm just not ashamed of asking questions. That's my main source of learning for forever

I Am Paranoid...

...about people, because people don't like me- especially the ones I don't know

...about my weight, because I can see the curves of my face filling out

...about my hair, because it's thinning in the spots I touch too much

...about my future, because I have none

This is ridiculous but I was watching Freaks & Geeks and that absurd character

Milly...?

She was talking to

the main one

and that girl was all high and Milly was saying that she feels sad for her because she doesn't believe in God and that's why she's so sad and unhappy all the time.

And it made me scared that it was true

because like

I guess as people, we don't do everything in our power to make ourselves happy.

Since we try to learn so much and then we destroy happiness

It makes me think that maybe I should just be one of those people I hate.

A square, a regular, a vanilla type.

Sorry

When I say "I'm sorry" I mean it.

Being sorry isn't shouldering the blame, or taking responsibility. It's just the feeling of sorrow. For me at least.

Maybe I give myself too much credit when I think I can feel what other people are feeling. Maybe it's just me getting carried away with myself, in my own storm of confusing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. But whatever I'm feeling, even if it isn't the same- the sorrow that goes with it is sincere.

I say sorry a lot.