I guess I've never learned what it is that I'm supposed to do when my mind is too traitorous to allow me sleep. My thoughts are racing, and with racing thoughts comes a panicked heart and desperate tears. Instead of allowing myself the luxury of sleep, I choose to dwell.

Simultaneously, I am terrified of where dreams, stemmed from thoughts as these, could lead me.

In the mirror, I look nothing like myself. My lips are dry and puffier than usual. My eyelids are swollen and they hurt, like muscles pulled. Shamelessly, my favorite blanket and an old tshirt from a lifetime past have become my lifesavers...tissues where I can begin to resalvage air-flow through my nasal passages.

So, here is what I'm feeling I guess.

....

endlessly confused

severely wounded

inconsequential

embarrassed

lackluster

not special in any way

no floor, no nothing

panicked

afraid

desperate

very lonely, very isolated, wishing that were not the case

pain, both mental and physical .

a lack of control over: myself, my life, my future, my emotions, my actions

myself

I have a headache and my mouth is dry from breathing through it