HOME

So right now these words helped me figure out exactly how I'm feeling about the move.

The only home I have right now is in Josh.

I love my parents, I'll miss my family, but that isn't home anymore.

It's really cool when a song is spot on like that. It makes me excited to go.

Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.

Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.

Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.

Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.

Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.

I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.

Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.

We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.

Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...

Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...

Some News

First. My spelling mistakes continue. Part of my brain must be rotting, how unfortunate.

Second. I GOT THE EMAIL TODAY INFORMING ME OF MY ACCEPTANCE INTO THE DOULA PROJECT!!!! OH my GOD I cannot even believe it!!!!! So so so so elated. I am one of only 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN THIS EVEN BE POSSIBLE!??!?!

This. Literally. My dream coming to fruition. So unreal.

Of course, any major life anything gives further thought and confusion to the move to CT. I am slowly coming to the awful realization that I am going to need to wise up, swallow my pride, and talk to mom and dad about EVERYTHING. I need to know how willing they will be to support any of this (all of this??). It's scary, because their support is a really big deal. I want to be able to move out and pursue my dreams and have my chance at independence NOW with complete security in the knowledge that they will be there to back me up if something goes bad. Or if I run out of money or need to come home, I need to know they will still be there. This is all so terrifying and exciting.

CRISIS

Last week I spelled fEEt: feAt

Just now I noticed I spelled by: byE

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM EH

I'm tired. But waiting to fall asleep is boring, so here I am.

Couldn't fall asleep last night- couldn't stay asleep apparently.

Living in this ridiculous excuse of a functioning household only solidifies my need to get the fuck out and go somewhere new where I will have respect and my intelligence and ability to function as an adult will not be constantly questioned by the people I am living with. I can't even stand the toll this environment takes on my self-worth. It makes me want to run and escape. The suffocating atmosphere leaves me breathless and happiness becomes a near impossibility.

OH my fuck, so if I’m a woman I have to wear a bra otherwise I’m weird and gross and “slutty.” But if GOD FORBID THE BRA SHOWS THROUGH my shirt, or the straps aren’t perfectly hidden I’m also weird and gross and “slutty.”

SECRET BRA IS THE ONLY WAY APPARENTLY.

What is WRONG with everyone?!?!?! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE HOW DISGUSTING THIS IS.

?

FUCK

We had the talk. The next step, the this could be it, the let's try it this way talk.

I have to tell my parents and I have to find another job and I have to let it sit and make sure it's even a good idea at all.

Time is not the issue. I wouldn't give a fuck if this were 6 months or 6 years or 6 days. Whatever. The point is, this could happen.

Some concerns:

-Not so much the uprooting, but the rerooting. I don't have the same foundation there as he does. I refuse to allow someone else's foundation to become my own. That seems like it's a most unhealthy mistake

-A move could make or break what we have. We've made it through an awkward friendship, and a middle-distance relationship and being next door neighbors. Next steps mean the difference between continuing or ending permanently.

It's really hard to teach anybody anything when you're coming from a position of resentment. I think that's why it's so difficult for me to communicate to the women in my family the frustration I feel at the helpless behavior they embrace because they were born (and identify as) female.

"Oh, when Dan comes over he can fix it."

"The couch is too heavy, when Josh gets here him and your father can move it."

It pisses me off, and in getting pissed off I become the worst kind of obnoxious, empassioned "teacher."

I'm making them deaf and I'm not sure what to do about it

The woman down the street was walking down the road in her white nightgown and slipperless feet. I wonder if she was looking for her cat? I wonder if she has a cat?

I was just watching the news with my mom and the words "If there is a god, he hates human beings" came from my mouth.

I can't tell if I meant it or not

Things to Do

1. Sound less like my parents when I displeased with a situation. Because god that is just not pleasant for anyone.

I'm going to start taking more pictures of things. Maybe I will get better at taking pictures (probably not).

Day 5

Day 5 off shampoo also happens to be day 5 off of medication.

I must say, being off medication has been a far easier adjustment than being without shampoo. Yesterday was just AWFUL and gross.

Today is just kind of gross, but definitely an improvement from yesterday. It looks almost normal, but not quite. I was quite discouraged with the whole thing last night but I'm feeling pretty reinspired.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I HAVE A NOSE RING IN AGAIN. IDENTITY. YES.!!!

Impossible Lies I Tell Myself

If I were more interesting looking, I would be happier

If I had bigger teeth I would like how I look more

If I were one inch shorter and two inches thinner I would be happier

If my hair grew faster I would be happier

If I lived in my own apartment I would be happier (questionably true....)

If I lived in another time I would be happier

If I had a better bicycle I would be happier

First world unhappiness

Shampooless Day 4

So everyone I love tells me I am probably anemic. MYSTERY SOLVED WHATEVER.

I must admit that I am loving my hair just a tad less by shampooless day4. It's really weird to blow it dry because it is a different type of oily and that makes it feel thicker and heavier and just strange.

Not as bad as yesterday though, so hopefully that means it's regulating itself/I'm getting used to it.

Gotta' be an improvement over the constant stripping/filling though right??

I think I'll stick this out for 30 days straight and if I'm not over the oily by then I'll shampoo like once a week? 1?!?!?

Woke up screaming again last night. I remember my sister asking if I was okay and I remember knowing my cat was in the room because I could hear his bell. hmmmmmmmkekekeke

Then when I woke up this morning I stood up, got the dizzy downs, and FELL. IT WAS SO WEIRD. What am I, like 90 years old or something???? All of the blood in my body was rushing to all of the wrong places and suddenly I am falling and then I'm on the ground and then my fingers are numb and tingly and my head really hurts.

Conscious-faint.

What a ridiculous series of events.

Today was strawberry picking with mom and Josh and it was really fun and delicious and when I came home my mom had all this jam lined up and it tastes so good.

Haven't done that activity since I was little and my mom started leaving us behind on those trips because we complained too much.

Josh and I also went on a movie date and that was fun and classic and we bought candy and soda at Target and ate it for dinner at the cinema and it was really good.

The interview was amazing. I ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE AT THIS. My interviewer was part of a Leaders' Circle, but thinks I AM A GOOD FIT.

OH MY GOD.

OH. MY. GOD.

IF I ACTUALLY GET TRAINED AS A DOULA I WILL DIE WITH EXCITEMENT AND THEN COME BACK AND BE A DOULA!!!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!

4.5 mile cycle. Kinda lame, but I want to keep it written down

I am currently working on my first project with the Masakhane Center. I'm on board with a group of a few other girls creating sexuality brochures.

This is good, this is real and solid, this is something I can put in a portfolio.

I love reading and being safe and warm in my room and hearing rain outside. My window is next to a roof, so I get that added noise.

So. A lot has been going on. I feel like it's supposed to be good, but living here is like poison to anything that's important to me.

I got the volunteer/intern position at the Masakhane Center. It's a non-profit group based out of Newark and specializes in comprehensive sex education. That's a big deal, that's important. The feedback I get here is that

"Newark is dangerous"

"Newark is far"

"You're paying to volunteer because of the gas..."

blah blah blah. It really brings me down. I want my adult identity to be severed from my parents'. I'm sick of their shit and their pessimism and their vanilla attitudes on everything.

Today I got a call from THE DOULA PROJECT for an interview. Since the Hampshire Conference, becoming a Doula has become my number one goal/career choice. The free training offered by the project could be exactly what I need to get started.

But now I feel like I'm not capable because it's based out of NewYork and that's dangerous, and far, and I would have to pay a lot in gas and transportation to get there.

MY PARENTS ARE RUINING MY LIFE. HhahahahaH

When people break up it always floors me. Even when I don't know them well. It freaks me out- always has always will. It makes me feel weird and sad.

I had a weird dream about a past flame- if you could even call him that. I said 'no' again and out he came, totally mean and awful.

I was being watched the whole time. It was New Years Eve

I cried with guilt when I saw my first lying on the couch alone. We used to spend it together.

I was in my basement and the fat crazy man from a few blocks away tried breaking in. I screamed like the woman in Avatar. He's sick he's sick he's sick he's sick

Day 1 at Bath & Body! wheehehe

I had this terribly ideal dream about a cat who WAS MY VERY OWN named Destiny (ew what an ugly name for a cat!!!!). She was fluffy and small and so so so cute and sweet and we loved each other very much.

When I called her name she would come and hang out with me from wherever she was hiding in her secret kitty spaces.

I guess I had this dream because I was so happy about falling asleep next to my actual cat.

That is total love

Currently Viewing: Born Into Brothelsa

First and foremost. The children highlighted in this documentary are incredibly well-spoken, they make it much too easy for Americans like me to forget that they are only children. Their intelligence somehow makes their plight worse. The young girls featured are very aware of the futures they will lead if they remain uneducated in the red-light district; they see no way around this lifestyle and neither do I. There is no education, no privilege, and therefore no options.

Fathers try to sell of their girls, aunts put them 'in the line' to increase cash-flow into the household. From what I've seen, the girls are "lucky" if they can hold off this lifestyle until reaching the age of 15. Also heartbreaking is that their young male counterparts wish they could help as well, but they just can't and that is an unbelievable realization for an idealist such as myself.

Hearing the casual way the horrors of their realities are spoken by the kids reminded me somewhat of the semester I volunteered with Shelter our Sisters in Bergen County. Paul and I worked at the day-care. The kids behaved "normally," they bickered, they laughed, they played. Every so often, when they spoke, the strangest things about their lives would come out in the open (a Christmas tree with only one ornament, their perception of why mom won't let dad back into the house, etc...). Except here, the kids aren't talking about mom or dad, they are talking about their very real futures.

As an adult American woman, I feel hopeless about my future, but not once have I ever been forced to entertain the notion of selling myself for money and survival.

Privilege.

If they are BORN with HIV they have literally no options. No schools will accept them. When I found out they were all negative I cried about it

This documentary also features a photography who teaches the children to take photos of their lives, and also jumps through the hoops of a disorganized, uncaring system to get these kids some sort of education.

Anyway- watch it if you can. As an artist, it is amazing to see the impact that art is having on these children, using it as a tool for therapy, research, and a way out.

DISCOVERY

Intimacy is THE MOST difficult thing to share with your partner when you are both living under your parents' roofs.

At this moment I am SO frustrated. This complaint is the number one reason why I would love it if I could MOVE OUT. It freaks me out that I don't even KNOW the next time I can be intimate with my partner. Because of younger siblings (fuck those guys!) and parents who are strict and nosy and weird.

I am TWENTY-TWO DAMNIT, and I have fucking needs!

I think it's really great when my cat hangs out with me

I guess I've never learned what it is that I'm supposed to do when my mind is too traitorous to allow me sleep. My thoughts are racing, and with racing thoughts comes a panicked heart and desperate tears. Instead of allowing myself the luxury of sleep, I choose to dwell.

Simultaneously, I am terrified of where dreams, stemmed from thoughts as these, could lead me.

In the mirror, I look nothing like myself. My lips are dry and puffier than usual. My eyelids are swollen and they hurt, like muscles pulled. Shamelessly, my favorite blanket and an old tshirt from a lifetime past have become my lifesavers...tissues where I can begin to resalvage air-flow through my nasal passages.

So, here is what I'm feeling I guess.

....

endlessly confused

severely wounded

inconsequential

embarrassed

lackluster

not special in any way

no floor, no nothing

panicked

afraid

desperate

very lonely, very isolated, wishing that were not the case

pain, both mental and physical .

a lack of control over: myself, my life, my future, my emotions, my actions

myself

I have a headache and my mouth is dry from breathing through it

wounded

I have little to give

apparently

because it has never been taken by anyone

The pile seems enormous, but must be more insubstantial than I perceive

Too soft

Soft of body, weak of mind, frail of heart

I can't tell whether this

or anger filling every fiber of my being for my rejection

is better to live by

I am a fucking person

And I will be furious

and you will be sad

and we will do it separately

But the Freak is back to stay, so I will take company in that

TO BUY WHEN I REGAIN THAT LUXURY$$$

1. Curtains from Urban