I've become that girl who does not want to see, talk, or communicate with anyone. Not in a real sense. My blog is my salvation. I can talk it out and get a response, but I don't have to talk back if I choose not to. Not in a real way.
In 6th grade I was unnecessarily mean to one of my classmates, behavior completely out of character for me past and present. When looking at the situation closely, I was just jealous of her: that was all it took. Anyway, I became very upset at my intentional meanness. I felt "depressed." Luckily, the "depression" (or whatever) had a source. I could stop making myself sick over the situation by going back to the source of the problem and righting my wrongs. I called the classmate, apologized and befriended her, and felt completely normal again all in a day.
This time there is no source to my unhappiness. Yes, I have triggers but that's all they are. Unfortunate catalysts that forced my mind from the "every day depression"- call it artistic angst, haha- into something more real. This time there is no source, and so I have no way of fixing the problem.
Emotions are so strange, they "belong" to us, except for not really because if we could control them we would hardly be considered human anymore. I'm not sure why I posted that entry, but I'm going to post a few more throughout the week. I feel like I'm slowly moving away from that state of mind, and I chose this particular entry because once again I have no clue what is making me move in a happier direction. Not that I'm complaining. I knew that eventually my brain would get around whatever it was that was stuck there and start making things feel a little more right. Of course, it isn't over quite yet, if ever. Either way, the experience gives me something to write about.
Thoughts on this post?
Comment here
or
Email me: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
read on!
endpost.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Hi
I live.
Many of my friends who read this already know that I have been avoiding company for the past 5 days. Preferring a book and my family to the outside world. Never thought I would be that girl, hiding out from God knows what. Anyway, it's the reason that I have been ignoring many texts, IMs, and phone calls. What can you do, life goes on.
The only person I have managed to see so far (aside from rehearsal) is Brian.
Go figure.
After 5 years of really "knowing" him, I feel that now I know him more than ever. He has always been in this weird, perpetual state of depression. And now, every once in a while, when I've been dwelling and by myself, I think that this must be how his entire life is. Emotions like these were one of the many walls that existed between us. I get it now, although it doesn't change much. Just because I can understand a wall does not mean I can will it to go away.
When I saw him we went to an art opening down the street from my cafe. One of my regulars there was an artist at the show, so we were escorted in VIP- free of charge. Very cool, no? I felt chic and with it while walking up the stairs to the loft with all of the artists and their work, while downstairs the potter Drew vouched for me.
Next summer I will most likely be joining the artist community at this place. It isn't prestigious, but it is free and prestige can only come with added artists and time. By then, I will have had an entire year more of studying my own art and the works of others, and I really look forward to being there.
So.
endpost.
Many of my friends who read this already know that I have been avoiding company for the past 5 days. Preferring a book and my family to the outside world. Never thought I would be that girl, hiding out from God knows what. Anyway, it's the reason that I have been ignoring many texts, IMs, and phone calls. What can you do, life goes on.
The only person I have managed to see so far (aside from rehearsal) is Brian.
Go figure.
After 5 years of really "knowing" him, I feel that now I know him more than ever. He has always been in this weird, perpetual state of depression. And now, every once in a while, when I've been dwelling and by myself, I think that this must be how his entire life is. Emotions like these were one of the many walls that existed between us. I get it now, although it doesn't change much. Just because I can understand a wall does not mean I can will it to go away.
When I saw him we went to an art opening down the street from my cafe. One of my regulars there was an artist at the show, so we were escorted in VIP- free of charge. Very cool, no? I felt chic and with it while walking up the stairs to the loft with all of the artists and their work, while downstairs the potter Drew vouched for me.
Next summer I will most likely be joining the artist community at this place. It isn't prestigious, but it is free and prestige can only come with added artists and time. By then, I will have had an entire year more of studying my own art and the works of others, and I really look forward to being there.
So.
endpost.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Reader Response (1)
Thank you to my loyal readers. Outside of my followers on Blogspot, I have a small group of 3 women who have been messaging personally about what I write on here. They have been sharing their own stories, advice, and questions. It's nice to know that I have affected anyone in any way. With their permission, I have been discussing some of the problems they have brought up here on my blog, keeping it anonymous of course.
Today, I received another email from one of my readers. I thought it was perfect enough to post as is. For those of you who have been reading, it is from my Generation Gap post on June 18. This refers to that as well as other issues in general.
I've high lighted my favorite parts of it.
Today, I received another email from one of my readers. I thought it was perfect enough to post as is. For those of you who have been reading, it is from my Generation Gap post on June 18. This refers to that as well as other issues in general.
I've high lighted my favorite parts of it.
"one thing I've come to see is that I have the horrible habit of completely withdrawing from society when I become upset. And that, of course, makes me MORE upset, and it just gets worse until I'm in a horrible depression. So I force myself to be social even when it feels like death, haha, and then before I know it, it's not so bad anymore. In any case - Thank YOU for posting all of your thoughts. It's a helpful reminder that I am not the only person to wonder what the hell is wrong with society and how the heck we'll get through all this crap to turn out OK in the end, haha.
In any case, I've been meaning to comment on your Generation Gap post. I agree - it seems like every person I know (aside from maybe ----- , hahahaha) is dealing with depression, anxiety, anorexia, etc...I DON'T know why this is happening. You said you're concerned about the generation gap...who can you go to for advice?? To be honest...I don't think the generation gap is as bad as you think it is. Of course there are things that seperate us from our elders...things like gay marriage, how we view race relations, clothing styles, haha....
But...these are OPINIONS. Our opinions may be different. Our beliefs may be different. But our HUMANITY...that's the same. They've been heartbroken, just like we have. They've been scared by the prospect of a new job (or by the prospect of NO job - damn economy...), they've watched parents grow older and they've made mistakes and have regrets and memories and all those emotions and fears and hopes and dreams that we've got. Sure, their "utopia" might not be OUR utopia. But they've still got the DREAM that we've got, right?
I'm a camp counselor this week at a music camp for high school kids at ---. All week, I've been watching kids get into trouble, relationships, arguments, etc. It scares the beegeezes out of me that some of them were born in like...1995, or that they have ZERO respect for Michael Jackson (dude - he might've been insane, but he freaking revolutionized music!!!)...
But I watch them, and I saw their nerves when they first got to camp. I see the guys trying to look cool in front of the "chicks," and I see their insecurities on all of their faces.
So, in conclusion: will there be gaps in the generations that surround us? Of course. But...they've all either BEEN in our shoes or will be soon.
Most of all, I watch my parents struggle to figure out their roles in life. I see them worry about their aging parents, about their jobs, friends, money, appearance...I hear them worry whether they're going to regret their actions, and wondering if life will turn out OK for them. In the end...we're all just afraid and hoping that things will turn out OK.
Last thought - I read something that said something along the lines of...One of our mistakes is that we tell our children that it's all going to be OK. But the truth is that bad things WILL happen. We need to tell them that they are strong enough to get through it, even when they feel they won't. That's what will help them - reassurance of their own strength and ability, not a falsehood that life is peachy.
Who knows what'll happen with Brian. Oh - here's a crazy thing that happened. I'm completely unreligous, but this blows my mind. Makes me think there's some sort of equilibrium out there.
My mom's best friend is 38, and he's about to die from colon cancer. My mom actually did her friend's billing for a while, since he owns a landscaping business and he didn't have time to do it himself. They ended up getting in a huge fight about 2 years ago over something to do with that, and she walked out with the intention of never talking to him again. And it worked for over a year. Last summer, she started a new job at a colonoscopy place. HER VERY FIRST DAY, he walked into the office to get tested for cancer. Now she's spending all of her time trying to help him (and his mom and dad - he's a bachelor) cope with this and make his last few months happy. One night, about 2 months ago, she was in his office finishing up billing paperwork for him. She came across some papers that listed his mom's employment - she apparently worked at a mental hospital in the shock treatment ward for a few years in the '80s. Backstory - my mom had an older brother. He was depressed for many years, stayed in various mental institutions, and finally committed suicide when I was 2. Well...according to those papers my mom found...this friend's mom was my uncle's nurse. She took care of my mom's brother...and now, over 20 years later, my mom is taking care of that nurse's son.
Makes ya wonder.
Anywho, gotta check on the campers. Seriously - thanks for the intellectual thoughts I get from your blogs. Hopefully see you at ----s next week!!
------"
Sorry for the obnoxious "censoring." Anyway, I love hearing from this reader in particular because she has tough stories to share, but continues to keep things in perspective and at least HOPE that there is something better.
In any case, I agree with her. There may be a generation gap but we all have a basic sense of living and trying to survive being human: making it through the insane society we have created for ourselves without just going over the edge and finding a little sunshine, wherever possible.
So readers, if you're afraid to comment here, email or message me. The private comments have been increasing and I really do appreciate hearing everyone's feedback or stories.
Friends, family, foe:
Thoughts?
Comment here
or
Email: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
Read on!
endpost.
Sorry for the obnoxious "censoring." Anyway, I love hearing from this reader in particular because she has tough stories to share, but continues to keep things in perspective and at least HOPE that there is something better.
In any case, I agree with her. There may be a generation gap but we all have a basic sense of living and trying to survive being human: making it through the insane society we have created for ourselves without just going over the edge and finding a little sunshine, wherever possible.
So readers, if you're afraid to comment here, email or message me. The private comments have been increasing and I really do appreciate hearing everyone's feedback or stories.
Friends, family, foe:
Thoughts?
Comment here
or
Email: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
Read on!
endpost.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The Feminist Series
I seem to have momentarily escaped my case of being "down." Of course, writing about it brings me right back to the start, but nevertheless: here is a portion of a message I've just written to a friend. It reminded me of the way I write in my blog, so I figured I would just take directly from it and give it to all of you to read. I love sharing my personal life with others, apparently. Ha.
"Today was much better than yesterday. It's sometimes really depressing to go to sleep not knowing what I will wake up to. Every once in a while I seem to get a nice relief from myself: I will feel happy physically and mentally. But anything is a trigger for me to be downcast for days straight. Reading is a really good distraction, I have a natural tendency to become very involved with the books I am reading. So during the hours of reading I can just let my heart have a break, and sometimes I'll even stop thinking about myself during notreading time long enough to dwell on the problems of my book characters. Blessing.
Rehearsal is fun, it gives me company which is always welcome. I've been trying to watch dumb movies that aren't COMPLETELY about love and happy endings. Like Devil Wears Prada. Although I'd prefer Mean Girls which has been lost. I haven't painted in a couple of days which makes me think that maybe I am avoiding it subconsciously (on purpose). I actually pondered in my diary last night whether maybe my artwork had started projecting back at me. If that makes sense? Like, the "clouds" of my paintings came directly from my own clouded sense of everything. Just that weird numbness and sadness that was devastatingly obvious in most of my paintings until I went back through and gave them more life. At first I was getting everything inside of me out and onto my canvas. But now the art has taken on a life of it's own. One more thing that I've lost control of. When I mentioned the other day that I would name the series Battered, Bruised for the women's show, I did not realize it would take such a toll on my mind. With the realization that my clouds were also bruises came a freakout of the brain repeating loudly to itself that "I am bruised, I am bruised." Since then I have avoided going downstairs to paint." Of course, I find it fascinating in a macabre way that art could ever have enough power to literally take over for the artist herself. Truly incredible.
Thoughts on this? They are welcome.
Comment here
or
Email me at: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
"Today was much better than yesterday. It's sometimes really depressing to go to sleep not knowing what I will wake up to. Every once in a while I seem to get a nice relief from myself: I will feel happy physically and mentally. But anything is a trigger for me to be downcast for days straight. Reading is a really good distraction, I have a natural tendency to become very involved with the books I am reading. So during the hours of reading I can just let my heart have a break, and sometimes I'll even stop thinking about myself during notreading time long enough to dwell on the problems of my book characters. Blessing.
Rehearsal is fun, it gives me company which is always welcome. I've been trying to watch dumb movies that aren't COMPLETELY about love and happy endings. Like Devil Wears Prada. Although I'd prefer Mean Girls which has been lost. I haven't painted in a couple of days which makes me think that maybe I am avoiding it subconsciously (on purpose). I actually pondered in my diary last night whether maybe my artwork had started projecting back at me. If that makes sense? Like, the "clouds" of my paintings came directly from my own clouded sense of everything. Just that weird numbness and sadness that was devastatingly obvious in most of my paintings until I went back through and gave them more life. At first I was getting everything inside of me out and onto my canvas. But now the art has taken on a life of it's own. One more thing that I've lost control of. When I mentioned the other day that I would name the series Battered, Bruised for the women's show, I did not realize it would take such a toll on my mind. With the realization that my clouds were also bruises came a freakout of the brain repeating loudly to itself that "I am bruised, I am bruised." Since then I have avoided going downstairs to paint." Of course, I find it fascinating in a macabre way that art could ever have enough power to literally take over for the artist herself. Truly incredible.
Thoughts on this? They are welcome.
Comment here
or
Email me at: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Great Debate
I've heard arguments from both sides: Is there any hope for friendship after a major breakup?
My hopeful response is yes. I have already started developing a new type of bond with Brian. I can see already that there is a refreshing independence coming from both of us. Because we no longer have our futures promised to another person, we are free to pick up and leave whenever and wherever we please. This is a good change.
It does not mean that the feelings of confusion and sadness have suddenly disappeared, but I feel that having him around is somehow an important part of the process of getting over him. Hearing about how his future will pretty much have no monetary problems and he will lead a secure life is not easy. It brings up an ugly temptation that is easy for a person with pretty much no future (ie- an artist, ie-mean) to fall for. Confusing security and love is too easy, but I am aware of it enough to avoid it.
A friend of mine sent me a message in response to one of my blog posts. We messaged back and forth with long winded stories, questions, and advice for one another. She mentioned to me that she had forged a strong friendship with her first love. The friendship is strong enough that she does not have feelings of confusion for him and is dating someone else.
This is what I am striving to achieve. Of course, I am nowhere near being in a new relationship, it's still a little too soon for that. But being near Brian without feeling the guilt or doubts or love might be a relief. Whenever it may decide to happen. Also, being with someone new and not thinking about Brian and what I might be missing is something I need to know can happen for me.
Thoughts on this topic?
Comment here.
Email: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
Message me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
My hopeful response is yes. I have already started developing a new type of bond with Brian. I can see already that there is a refreshing independence coming from both of us. Because we no longer have our futures promised to another person, we are free to pick up and leave whenever and wherever we please. This is a good change.
It does not mean that the feelings of confusion and sadness have suddenly disappeared, but I feel that having him around is somehow an important part of the process of getting over him. Hearing about how his future will pretty much have no monetary problems and he will lead a secure life is not easy. It brings up an ugly temptation that is easy for a person with pretty much no future (ie- an artist, ie-mean) to fall for. Confusing security and love is too easy, but I am aware of it enough to avoid it.
A friend of mine sent me a message in response to one of my blog posts. We messaged back and forth with long winded stories, questions, and advice for one another. She mentioned to me that she had forged a strong friendship with her first love. The friendship is strong enough that she does not have feelings of confusion for him and is dating someone else.
This is what I am striving to achieve. Of course, I am nowhere near being in a new relationship, it's still a little too soon for that. But being near Brian without feeling the guilt or doubts or love might be a relief. Whenever it may decide to happen. Also, being with someone new and not thinking about Brian and what I might be missing is something I need to know can happen for me.
Thoughts on this topic?
Comment here.
Email: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
Message me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Destination: Marriage(?)
Friends and readers alike have commented to me on very personal levels about the value of marriage.
From my perspective, I have noticed that marriage today has become something that is not necessarily permanent. In a way, I think this is taking things in two very good directions.
1) The lack of permanence in marriages may be something that is temporary. My personal belief is that a major contributor of America's very high divorce rate is the continued liberation of women. I think it is very important for a woman in an unhappy marriage to realize that she has a way out, in a society that is becoming increasingly forgiving of a single older woman. Of course, we still have a ways to go concerning equal wages and the like, things which make it even easier to be a woman alone and successful. However: the option is there and people are working constantly to make it easier to achieve. It is never good to "settle" either before or during a marriage.
2) On the note of settling, I believe that it is a huge mistake that most people in our parents' generation have made. It is rare for me to see anybody in the 45-55 years age group being affectionate with their chosen life partner. I do not see people of this generation on dates, at the movies, looking in love. It is refreshing and a relief when I do. It gives me something to look forward to. Have the people of this generation lost their faith in love? These are the people who are divorcing, and I think it is because they were mislead into thinking that since they had found something like a soulmate, they might as well keep it around before it was too late to find one.
Once people can realize these two things, they may make less mistakes in choosing a partner in the first place. Maybe in this way, more happy marriages can exist.
If I ever find someone who can complete me enough to marry, I will ask myself if I could ever see us divorcing in the future. If the answer is yes: it's over. I will not settle. I have already accepted the idea of being alone. It isn't what I want, but I know it's something I can live with. Thinking in this way spurns my sense of independence and relying on myself as a woman who is independent rather than just a daughter, girlfriend, friend who relies on everybody else for money or opinions or favor.
Now, the young women I first mentioned in this post, the ones asking questions, are really on to something. Maybe they are right when they say that marriage and the idea of devoting yourself to one single person is unnatural for human beings. However, I can't help thinking that the way of our lives is what dictates our feelings on committing in the future.
I would love to be happily married and forever in love. I have found something close to a soul mate in a boyfriend, so I know that I will get it right eventually. If you can find something like "it" then you can find "it." No doubt.
On the other hand, girls who have seen their parents being unhappy, divorcing, or are in forced unhappy relationships themselves at such a young age, will have a darker opinion on the loftiness of love. I can't really say too much about this because I have forced myself into an optimistic position of either being alone or (hopefully) finding The One.
Thoughts?
Leave advice, questions, or comments here
or
Email me at sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
From my perspective, I have noticed that marriage today has become something that is not necessarily permanent. In a way, I think this is taking things in two very good directions.
1) The lack of permanence in marriages may be something that is temporary. My personal belief is that a major contributor of America's very high divorce rate is the continued liberation of women. I think it is very important for a woman in an unhappy marriage to realize that she has a way out, in a society that is becoming increasingly forgiving of a single older woman. Of course, we still have a ways to go concerning equal wages and the like, things which make it even easier to be a woman alone and successful. However: the option is there and people are working constantly to make it easier to achieve. It is never good to "settle" either before or during a marriage.
2) On the note of settling, I believe that it is a huge mistake that most people in our parents' generation have made. It is rare for me to see anybody in the 45-55 years age group being affectionate with their chosen life partner. I do not see people of this generation on dates, at the movies, looking in love. It is refreshing and a relief when I do. It gives me something to look forward to. Have the people of this generation lost their faith in love? These are the people who are divorcing, and I think it is because they were mislead into thinking that since they had found something like a soulmate, they might as well keep it around before it was too late to find one.
Once people can realize these two things, they may make less mistakes in choosing a partner in the first place. Maybe in this way, more happy marriages can exist.
If I ever find someone who can complete me enough to marry, I will ask myself if I could ever see us divorcing in the future. If the answer is yes: it's over. I will not settle. I have already accepted the idea of being alone. It isn't what I want, but I know it's something I can live with. Thinking in this way spurns my sense of independence and relying on myself as a woman who is independent rather than just a daughter, girlfriend, friend who relies on everybody else for money or opinions or favor.
Now, the young women I first mentioned in this post, the ones asking questions, are really on to something. Maybe they are right when they say that marriage and the idea of devoting yourself to one single person is unnatural for human beings. However, I can't help thinking that the way of our lives is what dictates our feelings on committing in the future.
I would love to be happily married and forever in love. I have found something close to a soul mate in a boyfriend, so I know that I will get it right eventually. If you can find something like "it" then you can find "it." No doubt.
On the other hand, girls who have seen their parents being unhappy, divorcing, or are in forced unhappy relationships themselves at such a young age, will have a darker opinion on the loftiness of love. I can't really say too much about this because I have forced myself into an optimistic position of either being alone or (hopefully) finding The One.
Thoughts?
Leave advice, questions, or comments here
or
Email me at sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
or
Facebook me: facebook.com/sketchstephyoung
endpost.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Way I Eat and Why
We've all seen it on television and in the news. Most of us have probably sat in on body-image workshops or lectures, hearing stories exchanged about eating disorders and being unhappy with our physical appearance. I have sat in at a few of these, but none of them has ever given me the solution to the problem.
The stories are inspiring: the anorexic woman survived, the obese child lost the weight before it killed him; but they don't tell us what to do.
This post will not answer that question.
Simply put, I have been wondering for years what type of "eater" I am. There are stress-eaters, depressed-eaters, those who eat to gain some semblance of control in their lives. My Answer (I think): I am a LOSS of control eater. A lot of shit went down for me this past year, so loss of control is something I have been experiencing since September...when things get to be too much for my mind, I start projecting on what I eat. It gets to the point that my mental thought is to eat so that my body will look as badly as I am feeling.
I know this sounds dramatic, but it's not trying to be. This isn't me giving some cry for help. It's just something that I find interesting and which I think most people reading this, women especially, can relate to directly. We have all experienced unhappiness with the way we look.
Anyway, now that my curiosity has been satisfied as to what type of eater I am, I guess I can work on fixing the problem. I have an obsession with body image. Very non-feminist of me...I know.
Something I cannot figure out is how working out plays into my sense of control. It almost contradicts things. When I lose control of my life I eat, but I also work out intensely. I guess this is what keeps me looking the same all of the time? I guess this also means I have less of an answer for myself than I realized.
Share your thoughts, questions, or advice about this topic here.
or
Message me on Facebook (facebook.com/sketchstephyoung)
or
E-mail me: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
endpost.
The stories are inspiring: the anorexic woman survived, the obese child lost the weight before it killed him; but they don't tell us what to do.
This post will not answer that question.
Simply put, I have been wondering for years what type of "eater" I am. There are stress-eaters, depressed-eaters, those who eat to gain some semblance of control in their lives. My Answer (I think): I am a LOSS of control eater. A lot of shit went down for me this past year, so loss of control is something I have been experiencing since September...when things get to be too much for my mind, I start projecting on what I eat. It gets to the point that my mental thought is to eat so that my body will look as badly as I am feeling.
I know this sounds dramatic, but it's not trying to be. This isn't me giving some cry for help. It's just something that I find interesting and which I think most people reading this, women especially, can relate to directly. We have all experienced unhappiness with the way we look.
Anyway, now that my curiosity has been satisfied as to what type of eater I am, I guess I can work on fixing the problem. I have an obsession with body image. Very non-feminist of me...I know.
Something I cannot figure out is how working out plays into my sense of control. It almost contradicts things. When I lose control of my life I eat, but I also work out intensely. I guess this is what keeps me looking the same all of the time? I guess this also means I have less of an answer for myself than I realized.
Share your thoughts, questions, or advice about this topic here.
or
Message me on Facebook (facebook.com/sketchstephyoung)
or
E-mail me: sketchstephyoung@hotmail.com
endpost.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Split: When Do They Leave and Why?
Friends.
Breakups between lovers I can understand. When I was younger and two years into a healthy relationship, I could not fathom the idea of separating from your lover. I did not understand the possibility of just not loving someone anymore. The reason for this is because I was literally misunderstanding: True lovers do not stop loving, but that does not guarantee that their love will always be in "working order." A few years and one big break up later- I get it.
Friends, on the other hand? That I just do not get. When do we get to the point where our friends stop liking us and in return, we give up on them? No self-respecting person should have to salvage herself in order to salvage a friendship. Real friends do not chase one another around, begging for love and attention. Friends should be there during the break up, they should know intuitively that even when you are not talking about it you're thinking about it. They should want to be with you when things are bad, they should love to be around you when things are amazing. They should miss you when they haven't seen you in a few days, they should want to be around you even if it means doing nothing other than staring at one another.
I do not want anyone reading this to think I am accusing them of any wrongs. This blog is for me, about me. These are my thoughts about how life gets scary when things start to change. We start getting left behind and don't understand why.
I have to say though, that the events of this past year have brought me about 3 trillion times closer to a few people.
Namely, Paul and Niki. These two people literally complete my spirit. To the point where they do not hold me down in that weird way that friends sometimes can. It goes beyond a friendship when the opinion of your friend matters, but not enough to make you not do what you want.
Example: the nose ring. Paul hated the idea and wanted me to get a stud. But because he is beyond friend and beyond family, it didn't even matter to me since I knew it wouldn't change his perception of who I am.
?
I'm really not using the proper words here.
What I'm trying to say is that I feel I have forged an intensely deep relationship with these two individuals. I am myself because of them, and without them I lose what makes me "me." This all might sound very surface and trite, but believe me when I say I never knew that such intimate friendships could be formed between people.
They have helped me realize the true meaning of soulmate.
Thoughts?
endpost.
Breakups between lovers I can understand. When I was younger and two years into a healthy relationship, I could not fathom the idea of separating from your lover. I did not understand the possibility of just not loving someone anymore. The reason for this is because I was literally misunderstanding: True lovers do not stop loving, but that does not guarantee that their love will always be in "working order." A few years and one big break up later- I get it.
Friends, on the other hand? That I just do not get. When do we get to the point where our friends stop liking us and in return, we give up on them? No self-respecting person should have to salvage herself in order to salvage a friendship. Real friends do not chase one another around, begging for love and attention. Friends should be there during the break up, they should know intuitively that even when you are not talking about it you're thinking about it. They should want to be with you when things are bad, they should love to be around you when things are amazing. They should miss you when they haven't seen you in a few days, they should want to be around you even if it means doing nothing other than staring at one another.
I do not want anyone reading this to think I am accusing them of any wrongs. This blog is for me, about me. These are my thoughts about how life gets scary when things start to change. We start getting left behind and don't understand why.
I have to say though, that the events of this past year have brought me about 3 trillion times closer to a few people.
Namely, Paul and Niki. These two people literally complete my spirit. To the point where they do not hold me down in that weird way that friends sometimes can. It goes beyond a friendship when the opinion of your friend matters, but not enough to make you not do what you want.
Example: the nose ring. Paul hated the idea and wanted me to get a stud. But because he is beyond friend and beyond family, it didn't even matter to me since I knew it wouldn't change his perception of who I am.
?
I'm really not using the proper words here.
What I'm trying to say is that I feel I have forged an intensely deep relationship with these two individuals. I am myself because of them, and without them I lose what makes me "me." This all might sound very surface and trite, but believe me when I say I never knew that such intimate friendships could be formed between people.
They have helped me realize the true meaning of soulmate.
Thoughts?
endpost.
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