Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
No sense of security or self-worth
I feel like a total fucking creep for even caring if that person thinks I am nothing more than a total fucking creep. Feeling so down and sad right now. I think this happens every time I get too happy and expend a lot of energy experiencing that happiness. I think that might be the pattern. The sadness "balances" the happy back, except that makes me feel totally unbalanced always. Am I even nice or am I just some sort of freak?
Hatred.
Friday, July 2, 2010
I Am Paranoid...
...about people, because people don't like me- especially the ones I don't know
...about my weight, because I can see the curves of my face filling out
...about my hair, because it's thinning in the spots I touch too much
...about my future, because I have none
Thursday, July 1, 2010
This is ridiculous but I was watching Freaks & Geeks and that absurd character
Milly...?
She was talking to
the main one
and that girl was all high and Milly was saying that she feels sad for her because she doesn't believe in God and that's why she's so sad and unhappy all the time.
And it made me scared that it was true
because like
I guess as people, we don't do everything in our power to make ourselves happy.
Since we try to learn so much and then we destroy happiness
It makes me think that maybe I should just be one of those people I hate.
A square, a regular, a vanilla type.
Sorry
When I say "I'm sorry" I mean it.
Being sorry isn't shouldering the blame, or taking responsibility. It's just the feeling of sorrow. For me at least.
Maybe I give myself too much credit when I think I can feel what other people are feeling. Maybe it's just me getting carried away with myself, in my own storm of confusing feelings that I'm not sure what to do with. But whatever I'm feeling, even if it isn't the same- the sorrow that goes with it is sincere.
I say sorry a lot.
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