I'm goin' under people!!!!

When I get manic I get out of control. I want everyone to step the fuck off. I want to be left alone. I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone, but this is reality so I have to.
I explain myself but really I just want to yell FUCK YOU at every person I see. For no reason.
Mania does not differentiate between friends and enemies, it is a hateful experience. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Which, potentially, is myself anyway.

Mostly me.
That's what I am afraid of.
I'm afraid to wake up alone and do something stupid because that's when it's easiest.
I'm afraid of scaring everyone away.
I'm afraid that my fears are going to be misconstrued as being anti-social or disinterested.
I'm afraid of making everyone upset because of me.
I'm afraid to lose.
I'm afraid of choices.

The medication leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I dreamed last night that I couldn't mentally keep up with my classes and had to drop out.
Happens to be my number 1 fear of this semester.
Too prophetic.

Also, the scars are too simple to create and too hard to hide. I must go into it wanting to be exposed that way. Cry for help, conclusion to anxiety

I've found love but I feel like I am disintegrating from the brain down. It's hard to draw breath, I don't see the point in anything.

I see the point in love.

Maybe I did it because I knew it would help me to feel nothing afterward. The racing thoughts just need an outlet sometimes. What can I do to fix it? I'm afraid to tell my parents or anyone who has the power to put me away again. I cannot go through that loss of freedom. I cannot admit that there is so much wrong with me that not once, but twice, I need to be removed from reality.
I cannot leave reality again because it was so hard last time to come back. What if doing it again serves no purpose but to ruin me completely?
All I can think to say to anybody is "help," but that's an awfully big favor when I don't really want any because I don't know what I really want at all.
There is no glory in this

In my letter I would tell them all how sorry I am and how much I love them

I can't believe that I actually went crazy that time.
I am under control but I can feel something dangerous and big boiling under the surface.
Writing like this is a bad sign.

I'll make sure I don't miss my medication again.

It's a physical sensation, this sinking feeling. Something like diving. That other persona is just underneath. The Freak is invisible and weak, but even in a weakened state it is almost as strong as me at my best.
Thoughts of self-infliction are becoming natural again. Where is this landslide coming from? I was healthy and whole just a day ago. Will I be okay at school? Away from a safe, controlled environment? Will things be okay ever? Disturbed, always.
Please- leave me be. This is a panic attack.
Phone is off. I want to be left alone for a while. I'm scared, my chest aches, I cannot believe this is happening again. I need help. I need something. Another way out, anything that can help me. I do not want back in that hole. The space where it was seems impossibly larger than before. Everyone is going to tire of this handicap pretty soon.
I will have no one
I will have NO one
I will have no one to help me. I want to sleep this life away

I found the most amazing book at the thrift store in Hackettstown yesterday. Josh and I were sifting through the children's booklets when I spotted my treasure.
It's called Traveling Light by Brian Andreas.
It's full of beautiful poetry and drawings. The book is quiet and funny and honest. My favorite poem so far is the first I read. :

"In those days,
we finally chose
to walk like giants
& hold the world
in arms grown strong with love

& there may be
many things we forget
in the days to come,

but this
will not be
one of them. "

This is the first day of my life,
Swear I was born right in the doorway,
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed,
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw,
Think I was blind before I met you,
And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been,
But I know where I want to go,
And so I thought I'd let you know

Yeah these things take forever,
I especially am slow,
But I realized that I need you,
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night,
Just to meet me in the morning,
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said this is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you,
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you,
And I'd probably be happy
So if you want to be with me,

With these things there's no telling,
We just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,
Than waiting to win the lottery,
Besides maybe this time it's different,
I mean I really think you like me

I get healthy whenever someone else needs me to be.

I'm terrified because he tells me I'm beautiful and I believe him

When I'm feeling happy and whole, I have a lot less to blog about.

Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills

Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you if you know what I mean

Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Well you might be a bit confused
And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books
If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I