THANKS PAUL THIS MADE MY MORNIN<3

Ok im still buzzed from jenny's so I hope this is as entertaining for you to read as was for me to write!!! wowwowwowwow...

i just got back from the last Christmas of the 00s!!!! I'm sure by now you've heard of the highlights in the news such as the foiled terrorist plot in Detroit and the attack on the Pope during the Vatican's midnight mass (praise allah).

I decided to tell you all about Aunt Kathy tonight because as an a outsider, you possess an certain objectivity that I lack.

First of all I must get this out of the way, she is a stupid bitch and is now the queen, no wait the empress, of the assholes!!!!!

I decided to do unto her as I would not like her to do unto me. I did not hug her or wish her a merry christmas, but I made a big deal about doing it to everyone else. also I refused to talk to her unless she directly talked to me. and when I was talking to everyone, I specifically avoided eye contact with her.

She was sick and coughed on me i swear it, which is basically a declaration of biological warfare. Also, she kept rubbing in to Aunt Rosemary that Michelle is living with her and they are the best of friends (dont worry, Michelle herself was very well dressed tonight).

Then later that night I put my drink down, it was this fabulous wine that we absolutely must drink, next to Aunt troll Kathy and when I came back it was half empty. and then when i was talking to jenny about this new cher song-well, new to me-called All I Really Wanna Do, Aunt Igor Kathy said that she hates cher and that she's manly and classless (it takes one to know one). And you know, aunt poop kathy could use some of cher's plastic surgery so whatever!

I promised jenny and michael that I would just turn the other cheek like jesus-who-was-born-on-this-very-day because this is the first Chirstmas that they are hosting (I really feel in my gut that they will get a divorce).

So that was really put to the test when we were all looking at old pictures and my Aunt trashbag Kathy said that looking at old pictures of Jake and I are not the same as looking at old pictures of Jenny and Michelle (just so you know, I saw this wondrous picture of me in jenny's photo album-by far the best one yet-so I stole it. I think I deserve it, you know?)

Also at one point we were all talking about our pets and she mentioned her devil dog, sonny. a little while afterwards I mentioned that earlier today sammy landed all on some windex and I had to save him-oo stef let me tell you, it was touch and go for a minute there and i feared for sammy's poor little life because he refused to let me hold him under the kitchen faucet to wash the the windex off. how dare he I was trying to save his life?!-and my half Itlalian half bitch aunt said that she views birds as one step above rats. Ugh, as if! sammy is not even a rat, and he's much more classy than a pidgeon, which everybody knows is the rat of birds. I just told her that sammy is half the bird that she'll ever be just to keep things light but still!!!

Yet I have to say I was overjoyed when I overheard her tell jenny that she considers herself as the family nuisance. My dad got mad at me for feeling this way but whatever! if he disagrees then he can join his wretched sister-in-law in the asshole camp!

So basically I came to the conclusion that the best thing to do is forget about her as a human being

Oh and I know that it was nice that jenny gave you a gift and everything but seriously what the hell?? do not I deserve a gift as well...or two...or three? She totally knows me way longer!!!

Whoa there hey now

Oh my oh my oh my oh my

A cripple walks amongst you
All you tired human beings
He's got all the things a cripple has
Not working arms and legs
And vital parts fall from his system
And dissolve in Scottish rain
Vitally he doesn't miss them
He's too fucked up to care
Well, is that you in front of me?
Coming back for even more of exactly the same
You must be a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
On his last leg
Well, I crippled your heart a hundred times
And still can't work out why
You see, I've got this disease I can't shake
And I'm just rattling through life
Well, this is how we do things now
Yeah, this is how the modern stay scared
So I cut out all the good stuff
Yeah, I cut off my foot to spite my leg
Well, is that you in front of me?
Coming back for even more of exactly the same
You must be a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
Well, I am ill
But I'm not dead
And I don't know which of those I prefer
Because that limb which I have lost
Well, it was the only thing holding me up
Holding me up
Well, I'm lying on the ground now
Walking through the only door
Well, I have lost my eyesight
Like I said I would
But I still know
And that is you in front of me
And you are back for even more of exactly the same
Well, are you a masochist to love a modern leper
On his last leg
And you are not ill
And I'm not dead
Doesn't that make us the perfect pair?
Just you and me
We'll start again
And you can tell me all about what you did today
What you did today

Special thank yous to Niki, Paul, Thom, Josh, and my parents.
The 6 people who know everything that's happened.

I can't believe I just did that to myself and that I told anyone about it and that now my parents probably know. I don't even remember being on the phone but I checked the caller ID and the number is there at 12:09 AM.

I woke up with messages sent to me that scared me because I thought something bad had happened to someone else. But it was me that everyone was looking for because I don't have any semblance of control over myself.

Enough hatred to do it
Enough stupidity to tell a soul

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil and it's daunting
How I let everything I cherish lay to waste
I am lost in greed this time, it's definitely me
I point fingers but there's no one there to blame

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

I am sick with wanting
And it's evil how it's got me
And everyday is worse than the one before
The more I have the more I think:
I'm almost where I need to be
If only I could get a little more

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

Temporary is my time
Ain't nothing on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
There is not your right to choose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone

I need for something
Now let me break it down again
I need for something
But not more medicine

Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I don't wanna be
Something has me
Oh something has me
Acting like someone I know isn't me
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed

I eat too much I eat too little

I was just in the bathroom for so long. Just looking at myself and cutting my hair and treating my scalp with hydrogen peroxide and desperately trying to determine whether or not I am starting to go bald from the persistent PICKING

WHAT THE FUCK. I NEED TO FUCKING SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM
SCREAM
I COULD SCREAM AND JUST FUCKING BLOW

FUCK

There's something in the water. Or the weather. Or the sunlight. Or the moon.

Anger, which is kind of new actually.

Today marks the start of a new bad spell. I want nothing more than to crawl out of my skin into something else that is less substantial.
I also have almost no desire for human contact, which is obviously an impossible ideal.
Lie lie lie everyone leave me the fuck alone

Currently Reading: The F Word (Feminism in Jeopardy) and loving e'eryy minuuuuute of it

Okayokayokayokayokay, whoahaohaohaohao

Fucking FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

And it happens so often I can smell the blood in my hair

I think you think I'm a better person than I actually am

I want to crawl into bed with someone and experience that warmth again. It makes me sad to think that.

I feel happy in that safety. It's a dangerous place to go, it could fuck everything up

Their high beams blind me
It reminds me
Just bad timing
The reason I'm alone

And you know, in grade school....when they told us to "just say no?" they never told us it would be so hard. Or that we might be tempted to say yes, even though that isn't the right answer. And feeling tempted is normal and okay. They didn't tell us we would feel humiliated when it happened, not empowered at that type of denial. They didn't say that he could make us feel like shit, even though he was "nice" about it. Or that he could so easily, cruelly, manipulate us into feeling guilty and humiliated about the whole thing. The he could so easily take our power. My power. And he isn't giving it back so now I have to start from scratch and find some. And I'm not sure at all if I can do that, or if I ever will. I'll try though, promise.



endpost.

HAHAHAHHA.
He's for real FUCK.
He.
Was so good at making himself look like the nice guy. He basically blamed everything on me. He acted like he wanted to hear what I had to say, then shot it all down. He said I should have told him. That if I thought he was trying to force me into something I had a lot to learn. That he is a nice guy and most guys would have been pissed that they weren't getting laid. But he stayed because he thought I was cool and thought cuddling was just as good. He guessed he read me wrong. He's tired of people hating him. It was a whole lot of what he had done right and what I should have done. I couldn't believe any of it was happening to me. I could not believe I had suddenly fallen prey o that type of guy.
You hear about them a lot, you know? Stories.
I've never experienced one before though. I'm scared to look over my shoulder always, because I wouldn't know what to do or if I should say hello. He deleted me on facebook.
Every guy. Every white male with the hair. Anyone I don't recognize immediately. Anyone wearing black sneakers. Those people are potential threats. A door opening and the person stepping in is not visible- threat. Accidentally catching anyone's eye because I can't help but look to see if it's going to be him- a threat. I don't want anyone approaching me. I am paranoid and I will startle more easily than before. Am I making this out to be much bigger than it actually is?? For the first time, my instincts about a guy failed me completely. I was right about not wanting to trust myself because I can't

Venus pointed out something scary today. Which was that because of that violation I might start to shy away from men.
I realized it was true. Forever fucked, a future alone. That's kind of how I envisioned it anyway, so that's fine I guess.
Shit load of homework today. My stomach is a mess, I'm tired.


Many MANY thanks to my dude friends<3







endpost.

It's heartbreaking to me that I can only handle myself and no one else. I could really be missing out, you know?


endpost.

I've been feeling very small

My vision for the third painting happens to look exactly like cancer cells. I am possessed or something.



endpost.
sketchsteph/

Okay. Wow. I'm sorry.
So I've gotten back to a better level of sanity than I was at for a majority of last night. I'm nowhere near where I was two days ago, which was a good place....but I can feel that I'm somewhere close. I'll come back soon I hope. I'm scared that the doctor will be angry with me for falling off the horse.
She's very intimidating, you know.
Venus will be disappointed and maybe confused. She'll probably freak me out again like she did last time.

What I experienced last night was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It was terrible and out of control. It ended up lasting for over 2 hours. I was nowhere to be found, I don't know who that was.

It took three long conversations. Laying in one bed and human contact with someone in my own for me to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It's still clinging on the edges, when I think about it too much breath is short and my chest hurts. I get dizzy and afraid of falling back where I fell.

I need to call my mom.




endpost.

Done.
Instead of experiencing pride for making the right choice, I experienced a 1-hour panic attack. I was a pathetic site to see. I took a shower to make me feel better and I cried. I can't stand being reminded that I am a loose cannon.
I didn't take them at the usual time and this is what happened...I didn't realize the treatment was so day-to-day. I feel like I did before. Which is to say, someone other than myself. Which is just pure torture and I want to scream and puke and lay on the ground and sleep.

Hahahaha.













I'm totally off my fucking rocker.
I'm totally off my fucking rocker.

I'm already having nightmares about it. Everything is happening way too quickly. It's all too good, therefore I can't let myself trust it. Not that I don't want to.
What the fuck, I'm in big trouble with this one.

Charmed.

AH! About to break the rule about dating guys who are prettier than me

Fuck.

The first time, relaxation
The second time, comfort

Woke up with it on my mind. Way too too too soon.