I also dreamt there were hamsters invading 5B1
I remember being afraid to touch them for fear I would receive a sharp bite by the incisors
Thom was there
he threw a few

I dreamt I was going to be on network television, getting married to someone from a life before
who is no longer a candidate for marriage
The others wore dresses that were short and resembled cages
Mine was a gown
But I forgot it at home and ended up bringing this tan skirt suit instead
which was an accident
I realized I didn't have a dress or a groom
So I asked you to take me home
I woke up feeling relieved that I had not dreamt of the human centipede and vomited in my slumber.

Everyone. Get. away. from . me.

My phone is off.

I want to feel like what I am saying to anyone, in any way, has relevance. I want my feelings to be acknowledged. If I convey sadness, exhaustion, frustration, I want comfort in return. I cry when I'm tired, something that no one wants to listen to. I would ignore it if I could too, but I don't have that fucking luxury and I can't escape it in sleep because sleep keeps getting away somehow. I want my accomplishments to be acknowledged. If I accomplish something I do not want to be hesitant in sharing the news in any way I know how because I'm afraid it will go unappreciated.

I want to not feel these things from a place that doesn't touch rationality.

Some Thoughts

This time last semester I was in a hospital wearing clothes that didn't belong to me

I slept in a room with no corners that had a bathroom with no hooks and edges
With a stranger who was glad she'd failed at her attempt

They took the strings from my jackets and my clothes
I wore socks instead of shoes
When I wrote it was with a small pencil that I had to ask for and return
I drank hot chocolate because it was the only caffeine we had access to
Showering required permission

For the first two days I slept, walked, ate, with a scrubbed up stranger following me at all times.
When I showered she sat in the room
When I used the toilet she sat outside the door
When I cried she held me and told me it was the Devil in me that made me feel this way. I still don't believe her, but it was nice to have someone tell me something.

I waited by the phone because it was difficult to hear it ring and the nurses never picked it up
I wore no make up and my hair was flat and stringy
I read at least two books

My first steps outside were overwhelming to my mind. My parents fought and I was hungry.
Walking was a chore, because I had almost no use of my legs for the eight days I was away
I cried and yelled at the security guard who didn't want to let me back on campus
I went home and made things worse

Things I've learned:
I will never allow anyone to put me away again
My skin scars easily and scars are more obvious in sunlight.

Slightly medicated and slightly older
I am impervious to falling the same way as before