This blog and I have been through so much together. In recent news, I applied for a full time nanny position and did not get the job.

All that means to me is I can now post about this family's enormous fucking castle home!!!!

The two children had their own bedroom, each with a full sized bathroom attached. There was a fully furnished guest room, as well as a play room that had a 'play' bed???? Possibly for sleepovers (idgi-rich people). Obviously did not get a tour of mom and dad's room, but I am assuming it was enormous and probably had like three full-sized bathrooms attached or at least two walk-in closets. When they were showing me around the upstairs there was so many doors to rooms I didn't see and like what could they possibly have been? Maybe a 'public' upstairs bathroom and like the laundry room?

Basement was a full and also finished. Mini personal gym for dad, another playroom for the kids, and a 'party room' with slate tiled floors and a fully furnished bar, which I am pretty sure was marble and they probably had some beer on tap too. Possibly rich people do not drink beer.

Anyway, it was interesting to see all of their STUFF and it makes me chuckle to think of how tacky their lifestyle actually is because they were trying so hard to be IDEK what.

Also they had a theatre room with like 8 lazy boy chair things omg.

About two weeks ago I started to really love myself for the first time I think ever. I love my body (sometimes) and I love that I stand for things. I love my hair long or short. I like a lot about myself physically and mentally. It is a good feeling. For a long time I have been aware of the need to find happiness from within and not count on outside sources (such as a new job, a new home, love) to make me happy. I didn't really do anything. I just became aware of what I needed and I guess that somehow that made things happen for me. I feel healthy and I don't know if I have ever been truly healthy, outside of when I was a toddler maybe, and completely unaware of myself.

I think I am going to paint today.

I don't care if this sounds cheesy because it isn't, it's just true.

In other news, I got a really creepy love letter yesterday and I'm hoping that man never comes into/around my store or mall again. Oh my ~

I am pretty positive my mall/my store are going to be closing very soon. Change is definitely in the air. Josh tells me that's a stupid sounding thing to say, but I have a way of knowing things and I know I am right.

My stomach is upset constantly because I am so stressed out about what I can do/where this will leave me. It's affecting my personal life. I wish I knew where I was going to end up at the end of all this.

Can't stop watching Desperate Housewives and thinking of hairy armpits and how it would be such a controversy to them. Hello what is my problem where is my mind, why is my brain thinking about hairy armpits.

Hello, world.

Still hanging in there. Feeling like things are slowly GRINDING into place. Positivity hasn't fallen into my lap since high school, but that's not to say things aren't still grinding along to where they should be.

In the best news: I signed up for Ruby Tuesday's coupons and I've gotten two B1g1 coups so far boobooboobooyeah!

These past two years have been the worst two years of my life.

I didn't think anything could top 2010 and then 2011 happened. Too much has been lost, and I feel like my identity went with it and possibly my relationships are disappearing too.

I'm afraid of 2012, instead of optimistic. 2012 is only months away and things haven't turn around yet. I don't want to have three of the worst years of my life and counting.

Josh went away last weekend and it ended up being a very positive experience for me to spend some time with myself. I’ve been struggling with relying on myself as a source of happiness since college, but this past week I felt like I was starting to get some of my self worth back.

It’s a pretty amazing feeling. I’m parts excited/energized/scared that it’s a fluke, but it’s a good start to a change that needs to happen. I have a bad habit of distracting myself from my unhappiness, rather than looking to the source (me) and trying to fix it. A new job and my own apartment will be awesome, but can’t be relied on to fix my generally negative attitude.

It’s also very sad that I didn’t realize all of those positive things were missing from my life until so recently.

So there’s that.

MISERABLE

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY FUCKING ELSE

Things like murder/rape/abuse/ableism are not and WILL NEVER be funny.

CUT THE FUCKING SHIT PEOPLE.

I will never, ever agree with the comedic school of thought. It is a COMPLETE COP OUT to hide behind 'FUNNY.'

Never before has my body experienced a physical reaction to the shock and rage I felt when seeing someone #MURDER as a joke on my Facebook. I responded and then took it down because it isn't even worth my emotional well being and I shouldn't have to tell people that I lost someone recently to MURDER because it shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I feel like my eyes are going to fall out of my face. My fingers went completely numb and tingly. Give me a toilet to barf in.

I'm quickly becoming someone who cuts people out of their lives because I refuse to deal with the shit and you can't teach people who refuse to be educated.

Taking a hard stance from this day forth.

Shitty nights lead to shitty mornings and work is going to be shit today because it's Sunday

Guilt-free for five days. Tomorrow is day 6! One day at a time. Mostly I am just hungry and I miss hot pockets.

Sometimes, usually at punk shows when you should be there, I find myself following this bizarre train of thought where I want everyone in the room to know what it feels like to lose someone by an act of violence. Then I realize what that actually means and I stop wanting it.

Then I think of things from the perspective of anyone remotely involved like : "My daughter was only 21 and her boyfriend got murdered"

Sometimes the thoughts come from the future: "We were there when it happened."/"My parents were there when he was shot."

I still haven't admitted that it's real, even though I cry about it a lot. I don't want to move on from it. Because with the flow of time a new generation, one that has nothing to do with you, will hear your story but never fully 'appreciate' the fucking grief of your passing or the greatness of the way you chose to live. The usual way of things.

You were in complete control of your life, the only consolation that you did not get to choose your death.

My thoughts run in circles, my brain is on lockdown. Wishing that things were different makes everything worse.

We're sad and we miss you

You want so badly to blame the bird for flying into your windshield and killing itself

But really it isn't the bird's fault that cars exist and you killed it with one.

Just got hit so hard with the fact that if they find a killer, it means everything is real. I think they found the killer.

It stole the breath from my throat

Come back come back come back come back come back

It comes from nowhere, and today I realized that I am completely refusing to believe that any of it is real. I caught myself almost facing it and then thinking 'nope, not today.'

Crying is infectious, even through the internet

I dreamed about you last night for the first time since it happened. In my dream Josh and Kyle and I travelled back in time and we were at your old house, not the one on Bassett. You were laying on the couch and your hair was less red than it should have been and I hugged you and kissed you hard on the cheek, thinking that it wasn't a proper good bye, and you weren't mad at me anymore.