This blog and I have been through so much together. In recent news, I applied for a full time nanny position and did not get the job.

All that means to me is I can now post about this family's enormous fucking castle home!!!!

The two children had their own bedroom, each with a full sized bathroom attached. There was a fully furnished guest room, as well as a play room that had a 'play' bed???? Possibly for sleepovers (idgi-rich people). Obviously did not get a tour of mom and dad's room, but I am assuming it was enormous and probably had like three full-sized bathrooms attached or at least two walk-in closets. When they were showing me around the upstairs there was so many doors to rooms I didn't see and like what could they possibly have been? Maybe a 'public' upstairs bathroom and like the laundry room?

Basement was a full and also finished. Mini personal gym for dad, another playroom for the kids, and a 'party room' with slate tiled floors and a fully furnished bar, which I am pretty sure was marble and they probably had some beer on tap too. Possibly rich people do not drink beer.

Anyway, it was interesting to see all of their STUFF and it makes me chuckle to think of how tacky their lifestyle actually is because they were trying so hard to be IDEK what.

Also they had a theatre room with like 8 lazy boy chair things omg.

About two weeks ago I started to really love myself for the first time I think ever. I love my body (sometimes) and I love that I stand for things. I love my hair long or short. I like a lot about myself physically and mentally. It is a good feeling. For a long time I have been aware of the need to find happiness from within and not count on outside sources (such as a new job, a new home, love) to make me happy. I didn't really do anything. I just became aware of what I needed and I guess that somehow that made things happen for me. I feel healthy and I don't know if I have ever been truly healthy, outside of when I was a toddler maybe, and completely unaware of myself.

I think I am going to paint today.

I don't care if this sounds cheesy because it isn't, it's just true.

In other news, I got a really creepy love letter yesterday and I'm hoping that man never comes into/around my store or mall again. Oh my ~

I am pretty positive my mall/my store are going to be closing very soon. Change is definitely in the air. Josh tells me that's a stupid sounding thing to say, but I have a way of knowing things and I know I am right.

My stomach is upset constantly because I am so stressed out about what I can do/where this will leave me. It's affecting my personal life. I wish I knew where I was going to end up at the end of all this.

Can't stop watching Desperate Housewives and thinking of hairy armpits and how it would be such a controversy to them. Hello what is my problem where is my mind, why is my brain thinking about hairy armpits.

Hello, world.

Still hanging in there. Feeling like things are slowly GRINDING into place. Positivity hasn't fallen into my lap since high school, but that's not to say things aren't still grinding along to where they should be.

In the best news: I signed up for Ruby Tuesday's coupons and I've gotten two B1g1 coups so far boobooboobooyeah!

These past two years have been the worst two years of my life.

I didn't think anything could top 2010 and then 2011 happened. Too much has been lost, and I feel like my identity went with it and possibly my relationships are disappearing too.

I'm afraid of 2012, instead of optimistic. 2012 is only months away and things haven't turn around yet. I don't want to have three of the worst years of my life and counting.

Josh went away last weekend and it ended up being a very positive experience for me to spend some time with myself. I’ve been struggling with relying on myself as a source of happiness since college, but this past week I felt like I was starting to get some of my self worth back.

It’s a pretty amazing feeling. I’m parts excited/energized/scared that it’s a fluke, but it’s a good start to a change that needs to happen. I have a bad habit of distracting myself from my unhappiness, rather than looking to the source (me) and trying to fix it. A new job and my own apartment will be awesome, but can’t be relied on to fix my generally negative attitude.

It’s also very sad that I didn’t realize all of those positive things were missing from my life until so recently.

So there’s that.