I punish myself everyday, looking through anything that is related to you in some way. The pictures of you as a kid are the worst. You were fat, which makes me chuckle, since you grew up to be so skinny and noodly.

No little tubster knows he will grow up to get murdered.

Everything is bullshit.

Tomorrow marks the first month of you being gone. Sometimes I can't understand why I cry about it so much. I usually wake up thinking about it, and go to sleep thinking about it.

Anytime I feel unsafe, I think about it. 'You never know you never know.'

I punish myself more and more when I think of how I waited in the car while Josh went in to say goodbye to the two of you in bed. I was tired and my feet were cold. You were both naked which was hilarious. I missed it. That was my last chance.

I punish myself now, over the petty 'fight' we got into over Tumblr. I punish myself for unfollowing you after you did it to me, which sounds incredibly dumb. I punish myself for never IMing you to make it all better because we were both wrong. I punish myself and I punish myself and I swear I was getting up the guts to be like 'Hey,' because I knew you were hurting.

And all of this didn't hit me at first and when it hit it didn't hit hard but now the impact is too much and it's only just starting and maybe you hated me when you died and I won't ever know for sure. And what a selfish thought.