Monday, May 31, 2010

This morning I googled "I pick my scalp" and a support group came up! Thought I was the only one, so that was cool.

I hate it when it's too hot to even just sit outside. It makes me feel lazy and strange.

I think that today I have a case of the moody blues, I am just so down in the dumps even though the sky is awesome pretty blue and I have lots of plans that should feel fun and exciting but aren't.

Wah, the Debbiest Downer
hunger

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I feel lost and I have no way of fixing it, except for to continue living and breathing and doing and trying.
I feel lost and sometimes I'm okay with it and sometimes it's the turned-around kind of lost that's confusing and scary and seems like it won't ever go away
And I want to do it differently than it was done before
And so I have no real model
Because I can't see the future
Not that I would want to
Weddings are so weird.
BAD NEWS EVERYONE. MY SISTER IS ANTI-CHOICE. WHAT THE HELL. HOW. HOW. HOW. HOW.
SHE FEELS BAD FOR THE BABY.
IF I WAS PREGNANT SHE WOULD "WANT ME" TO PUT IT UP FOR ADOPTION.
HUH
WHY
WHAT'S THE POINT
I'M A PERSON TOO RIGHT!?!?

IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS
Strange dreams about my dad being so pumped on how so many people love the Beach Boys and shaving my head.
....
MANIC DREAMS RULE BECAUSE THEY MAKE NO SEEENSE WHEEEHEHE

Friday, May 28, 2010

To Do.

1. Get a part-time job
2. Get another one
3. Save half of all pay checks for something important and awesome. Like opening something with Josh and Megan or starting a program. Something
4. Be trained as an abortion doula
5. Be trained as a birthing doula
6. Be paid by someone to be a birthing doula
7. Move out
8. Get involved with NARAL
9. Go through Green Dots volunteer training in Hackettstown

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Perks of Being Home Alone

1. Running around in my undies (NUMBER ONE. NUMBER ONE REASON HERE.)

2. Peeing with the door open! Just because I can! Wheeee! Ssssss!!!!

3. Loudest music WOWOWOWHWEEEEHEHEHEHHEE

4. No one can make me do chores! I can do them of my own accord! LICK THAT!


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Had a great weekend.
Marched for equality in NYC with Paul and Zaneta on Harvey Milk Day. FIRST MARCH- definitely satisfied.

Monday and Tuesday was New Haven with Josh and Megan. We stayed at Andy and Mitch's. Monday we went to a show at The Fucking Discovery Zone (SAW RVIVR AGAIN OMG I LOVE THEM AND I LOVE THEIR MULLETS!!!!). Then a show at The Jerk Store. Like Claws played, good shit.

Got an interview ... at Bath & Body. IDEAL PART-TIME POSITION.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The whole process of applying for jobs is so unfortunate.


Today I applied to something mysterious at Old Navy, but I'm not sure what because I'm pretty positive I clicked on the wrong application online.

I got applications for Hallmark and I'm going to be applying at Radio Shack. Which that would be fun bc the dudes in there were fun. Yeah bye

Just a couple complaints, as per usual....

First and foremost. The town I live in is a complete and total shit hole. The people here are trashy and ignorant. They hardly believe in anything at all, and when they do it's anti-this anti-that anti-freedoms anti-woman anti-gay. My family doesn't care to learn and and I wouldn't know how to teach them anyway.

I got them to stop using the word bitch. I guess that's something.

This life is so ridiculous. I want to help important people do important things. I don't even want to be important. But being anything, even someone working a shitty retail job part-time, means selling out and being someone who isn't me.
Some things I believe about physicalities:
We all have the right to choose how we clothe and decorate our bodies.

I believe in it, but I'm finding that I have to change and conform in order to survive and it's fucking maddening.

My Awakening came at a terrible time, because I have no one to talk to about it now that I am COLLEGE FUCKING GRADUATE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO BE.

Another thing is that I was totally TOTALLY freaking out this morning about how I am such a fuck up and I did everything wrong and I should have could have would have done so many things differently to ensure that I would not be here now, feeling DESPERATEHOPELESSUSELESS

I want to be a contributing member of society again!!!!
damn.

Friday, May 21, 2010

This whole worm thing has become a total crisis for me!!!!! REMEMBER MY LIST OF IRRATIONAL FEARS AND HOW WORMS ARE ON THAT LIST!?!??!?!
EW!!!!!!!!.EW
Yesterday I saw the littlest ittiest bittiest worm INSIDE MY HOUSE. ON OUR FAMILY ROOM FLOOR. BURROWING NEXT TO ME. I almost complicated the whole situation by puking on the couch when I ran away, but I managed to maintain some semblance of control.
Anyway, it was like...way less than a centimeter big and really skinny and really active and white. Small enough to be confused with larvae which OH MY GOD if it is I am living on the back porch.
Today I woke up so horrified by the situation that I vacuumed the floor...and the couch...and the pillows....and also laundered all of the blankets. All it takes is a worm to get me motivated and never wanting to eat again.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm such a loser.

Best of Craigslist RULES


You aren’t looking for them, but I found your two dogs. Date: 2010-02-18, 4:42PM EST

Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig’s list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperament for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However…..

They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned “Quiet,” “Come,” “Sit.” They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an under bite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniature version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them.

If these are your dogs, come on by, I’d like to kick your ass.

GAY AS AN INSULT

All I have to say about gay as an insult is that it fucking isn't. If you read this and you know me and you are near me- do not fucking say that shit in my presence.

Also, it bothers me that it bothers other people that lesbians and gay couples are making some headway into the media. "They're everywhere now."
Really?
Really?
Under-represented and we are already sick of "them?"

It makes me sick. What I miss most about college is that all of the people I'm talking about are no longer in the stages of learning and think there is something wrong with me when I try to tell them how I feel about these things...in less strong words than mentioned above.

What am I doing wrong?
Sexual Assualt in the Psychiatric Ward

This was an issue I was conflicted on during my stay at the hospital. We did not have locks and weren't allowed to close our doors- men shared the hall with us and many of the women did express concern at the accessibility of their rooms to men.

After reading this, I guess I feel a little more clear on the issue. It's incredible the times we are in danger without even realizing it. So many people think I'm just a nutsy feminist, but it's fucking true that you cannot ever be safe enough EVER EVER EVER.

!

Being a post undergrad has the scariest, weirdest moments sometimes. One of them is that I will never again have the misfortune/opportunity to worry about a grade I receive in class or what my end-all GPA will be.
No more chances!!!!!!!
I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING by looking for awesome non-prof jobs for women's orgs, but in reality I AM NOT.
COOL.
COOL.COOL
.COOL.

In other news, last night Josh, Megan and I went to Bosnia in New Brunswick. We saw The New Dress, RVIVR, and someone else who I forget but also didn't like too much anyway.
RVIVR WAS AWESOME.
This girl. In RVIVR. Was only the coolest human being I have ever seen before, EVER EVER and she wasn't even trying.
I like that girl's attitude....



endpost.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Enjoyable Physicalities

1. I like having big teeth. I like it a lot. I think big teeth are great. I like big teeth on other people as well. Big teeth, yes.
2. I like having black hair that is wavy and brown in spots from the sun
3. I like that I have an inny bellybutton
4. I like my wrist bones
5. I like having brown eyes because I usually do not like blue eyes, they are boring

cool list
Hey today is pretty worthless all I've done is clean my parents' house and get a ridiculous text from Paul about how he is at the vet because his bird Sammy is overpreening.
Worst pet. hahahhaa.
I applied for NO jobs and did not have the interview I was supposed to (Crystal don't like me no more).
Also, I hate to say it but MY CAT IS BEING SO ANNOYING. It wouldn't matter if I wasn't in constant danger of being bitten but like, really dude lay off with the body rubbing for a second. Stop meowing at me! I'm allergic to you!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I need to get out of my house so my mom can leave me and all of my future tattoos ALONE. I only tell her that I'm getting them to be polite- I'm not actually obliged to do that.

"You don't know, but it's harder than you think to get a job blah blah."

The thing is that I would work at McDonald's before working at a place that is vanilla enough not to hire someone because of a bodily marking. The whole philosophy behind not hiring someone because of a tattoo does not make sense. Like at all ever. I would never work at a school, or in like a fancy office. Ever!

I want a job within the feminist community, where there are MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN NOT HAVING TATTOOS. PLUS MY BODY ALREADY HAS HIDEOUS SCARS THAT ARE SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS, SO WHY NOT MOM!??!?!
Alright. So far I have already applied for enough jobs that I forget what some of them are.
I've applied to be a Community Educator for a women's non-prof but I forget which one.

I am applying for three separate doula training programs in order to receive free training as a birthing doula as well as abortion doula. I think my ultimate goal is to be a birthing doula.

I got a call today to do housekeeping once a week in Stewartsville so that will be something. I'll probably also work at WPP as like a french fry server or something. haha

I've also applied to be a personal assistant for a young woman, to tutor an 8 year old, and to water/feed 16 beagles and 2 pigeons.


Hey I used the word 'bitch' like once in the last 2 months and it was at senior sendoff because some girl walked into me with her wine and SPILLED IT ON MY DRESS. HELLO FUCKER I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU ARE RUDE TO ME AGAIN AFTER I APOLOGIZE TO YOU. YOUR WINE IS SHIT. BYE.
Holy shit I need a job or like more friends or something. I've been laying in bed now for over 3 hours. I am so desperate for something to do that I started an account on stumbleupon, which I don't even like all that much.
I keep trying to read the news even though I just suck at that because it's something to do.
$$$$$

Monday, May 17, 2010

Hey people should blog more....

Sunday, May 16, 2010

This new life stuck in this old life
surreal
I'm stuck somewhere between excited and uncomfortable
I'm not sure what my next end or my next beginning will be, I can only hope I have one
FINALLY ABLE TO CONNECT TO WIRELESS IN MY HOUSE. Which means that I can be totally anti-social either in my room or in my backyard or in my driveway or anywhere but downstairs tied to an ethernet cord gahhhh.

Being home is fine so far, because I am avoiding it as much as possible. Today I am going to Panera with Nikikita to look for real life jobs and apply for them while eating VT mac & cheese. Slept at Josh's last night because I can do that and so I will at every possible opportunity. Too bad for living under someone else's roof because I miss snuggling with doors closed and eyes closed for hours

I'm afraid of this summer because I feel like I am going to get fed up with everything and then be a hermit. Even more than I already am

This post sucks, I kind of just made it so I had an excuse to be typing.

so yeah

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Senior send-off. It's 8:54 AM. It took me two hours to realize that tomorrow morning I will be graduating. I'll probably look really ugly and stupid because I forget how to sleep again.
In really good news, I am in great company (although they are all sleeping). Taddeo told us bedtime stories but Danielle was the only one listening by the end I think. Opening my mouth to do anything other than drool when I am in bed alone at 4AM is quite impossible most of the time.
Dave & Busters ruled. Bus 2 = the party bus. Haters gon' hate, but most of us had an awesome time on the ride there and back.
Paul and I killed lots of zombies.
Alyssa made it back to her bus 30 minutes late. I thought someone kidnapped her but she was actually just winning a really fancy blender...the Hamilton Beach Dual Wave. Frustrating at the time maybe, but hilarious now. She was winning a blender. Really. hahhaa
hahhaha

I guess I'll try to sleep again, now that I got most of my favorite internet trends out mah system.



endpost.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's frustrating being here, because if I want to see anyone that requires driving which I hate.
Also, the door isn't always open which is just sad
So yesterday I built this bookshelf thing for my room. I was in a rush so I didn't read the directions like a big dumbie. I built it wrong and it fell on me with the books inside when I attempted to fix it.
It made a loud noise and I yelled a lot, everyone was home...no one checked in???

Lessons learned:
1. Don't rush the building process
2. Don't rush the fixing process and don't fix things with books in them duh
3. Don't depend on mom, dad, or siblings to help out when something large and heavy potentially kills me.

endpost!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So it's over. And all I can think about is how my face is so completely boring.
This night was amazing and beautiful and I didn't depend on anyone else to make it that way. Peace out Ramapo, love you always

Monday, May 10, 2010

I dreamed that the sculpture studio was also a 24-hour gym. I went with almost everyone in my family- Sarah wasn't around.
Then I was in some sculpture studio attic with a woman about my age, she was a stranger. We two women amongst 7-10 men, all armed with guns.
They only gave me a knife
The mafia came and we ran because of our womanhood...(?) and lack of hand guns
We ran all the way back to campus and headed to the hive
This dream is reminiscent of the book I am currently reading
Hellstrom's Hive
scaryweird

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I watched the original Nightmare on Elm Street with Josh and James Kelly. It ruled and I dreamed about acquaintances rather than Fred K so the whole experience was pretty sweet. Except for someone was super gassy from broccoli and it wasn't me.
I am finally bursting with excitement to know WHO GETS BEST IN SHOW 2010??!??!?!?
It's really strange to me when I can't find the language to define a visual. That's like, half of my major you know?
Anyway, I had this really strange dream that I'm finding it difficult to describe....

First I was watching this girl who had red hair and was adopted. Then she was Japanese and adopted by a mother with red hair. Then she was Japanese and not adopted. All three times she had a Japanese brother. The entire time they were in this school. I guess maybe whatever place I was dreaming in was in war or something.
The teachers were mean. Something happened and they wanted everyone to evacuate. Then I WAS the Japanese girl, and I refused to listen to one more damn thing those teachers were telling me. So I kicked out a window and jumped through with my bro and some other rebels. We ran down this hill because out the window was a big hilly field. We met up with some war guerrillas, they were kind of assholes. They rode around in sandwich tanks.

In other news- the tape is down, the paint is up, the corners are fixed (but only kind of). It was a frustrating process because it could have gone faster with more help.

School is over so soon and I feel as ready as I did when I gradated high school.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Hey I've been swinging back and forth from feeling super sentimental to super hateful. Do I want to leave this institution or not?
I guess, in truth, staying would do more harm than good because I've basically gotten everything I can get out of being here. What else is there except for more time?
There's so much left to do but I'm graduating in 6 days, so what the fuck- really??
I guess I feel confused in a really obvious way, and maybe anxious to just get there now that we're so close.

It's cold and rainy, what the hell


endpost.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Personhood v womanhood
possibly, I don't want both
I gave up on my eyebrows, I am awful at shaving my legs
sometimes I forget I have armpits
my toenails go unclipped, unpainted, and loved in a way that is not a pedicure
I love my hair down, but I'm messy so it usually goes up
My shoes have holes in the bottoms,
I can walk in high heels but I choose my heels.
I have a period, but it's completely useless to me because I have no desire to bear a child
I hardly have eyelashes, I wear cheap eyeliner when I feel like it
Person first

I have a final that is due today that I'm 50% finished with. Something smells like vomit. We took the tape down last night. Alyssa was (is?) pissed at me for taking down the squid, but that shit tore off so much wall that needs to be painted.
The Hive has empty walls and I have to say it makes me feel a little better about being there. Which is weird. Maybe it's easier to breathe, now that it's easier to find empty space.

The senior show was incredible. I have no clue who will win best in show, but I do think I am a contender. Some asshole touched my piece and left major clues. What a butt. I will miss most of my art profs since they're all like the loves of my life and shit.

Why are all my clothes dirty? I want summer and quality hang outs that everyone remembers the next morning. I miss my cat and I want to be there for my little sister because her schoolmates are fucking assholes. Maybe if I get the chance I will curb stomp them, but probably not.

This post could potentially go on forever, so I'm going to stop now.
Some news though- forgot the med yesterday and I did just fine.

endpost.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I struggle with the secret, because it is something I love to broadcast
I do it for my benefit, not theirs or yours
I look for it from others who have it
I refuse guilt because not everyone does
It belongs to us and half is mine
I do with it what I wish
Mood swings sparked by interaction with all the wrong faces
My suit is so odd to me
Weird colors that fall apart easily
One suit that I wear always
Desperate to keep itself together, when torn it is slow and reluctant to pull back together
Sometimes I avoid it
other times I wear it with pride
I get upset as it is continuously maimed
Sometimes I wish to trade it out for a brand new one
Would I prefer a suit with no history?
It would be a chance to take better care of it
Yes, I have regrets
I regret tearing my suit in fits of rage or sadness
It accomplished nothing and bile fills my mouth in disgust of such actions
A new suit would be nice
I promise I would take better care of it this time

Monday, May 3, 2010

Strange, I dreamed I ate pieces and pieces of fried chicken
thinking all the while that it was my first real "cheat" as a vegetarian.
Strange, because by the time I stopped eating meat chicken was by far the most unappealing
He yelled at me in dreams and I woke up twice screaming "stop" in reality
In reality he was startled
Today we are both tired

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I also dreamt there were hamsters invading 5B1
I remember being afraid to touch them for fear I would receive a sharp bite by the incisors
Thom was there
he threw a few
I dreamt I was going to be on network television, getting married to someone from a life before
who is no longer a candidate for marriage
The others wore dresses that were short and resembled cages
Mine was a gown
But I forgot it at home and ended up bringing this tan skirt suit instead
which was an accident
I realized I didn't have a dress or a groom
So I asked you to take me home
I woke up feeling relieved that I had not dreamt of the human centipede and vomited in my slumber.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Everyone. Get. away. from . me.
My phone is off.
I want to feel like what I am saying to anyone, in any way, has relevance. I want my feelings to be acknowledged. If I convey sadness, exhaustion, frustration, I want comfort in return. I cry when I'm tired, something that no one wants to listen to. I would ignore it if I could too, but I don't have that fucking luxury and I can't escape it in sleep because sleep keeps getting away somehow. I want my accomplishments to be acknowledged. If I accomplish something I do not want to be hesitant in sharing the news in any way I know how because I'm afraid it will go unappreciated.

I want to not feel these things from a place that doesn't touch rationality.

Some Thoughts

This time last semester I was in a hospital wearing clothes that didn't belong to me

I slept in a room with no corners that had a bathroom with no hooks and edges
With a stranger who was glad she'd failed at her attempt

They took the strings from my jackets and my clothes
I wore socks instead of shoes
When I wrote it was with a small pencil that I had to ask for and return
I drank hot chocolate because it was the only caffeine we had access to
Showering required permission

For the first two days I slept, walked, ate, with a scrubbed up stranger following me at all times.
When I showered she sat in the room
When I used the toilet she sat outside the door
When I cried she held me and told me it was the Devil in me that made me feel this way. I still don't believe her, but it was nice to have someone tell me something.

I waited by the phone because it was difficult to hear it ring and the nurses never picked it up
I wore no make up and my hair was flat and stringy
I read at least two books

My first steps outside were overwhelming to my mind. My parents fought and I was hungry.
Walking was a chore, because I had almost no use of my legs for the eight days I was away
I cried and yelled at the security guard who didn't want to let me back on campus
I went home and made things worse

Things I've learned:
I will never allow anyone to put me away again
My skin scars easily and scars are more obvious in sunlight.
Slightly medicated and slightly older
I am impervious to falling the same way as before