I've been feeling terrible and paranoid. Awful.
I feel like no matter who I am around, when I have physical displays of my true emotions that person gets freaked out.

Don't ask me where this complex with abandonment has come from. It's something I'm working to get over, but it just isn't happening.

I'm remembering a time when I wasn't begging anyone for attention, when I was the one ignoring text messages, when I did not care whether or not someone special was thinking of me and letting me know.

I take it all to heart. I don't think that this condition is permanent. I think it's something I can fix because it's something I know about myself.

It's easy to make me cry. It's hard for me not to most of the time. I think it has something to do with being very selfish and very afraid

I'm more sentimental than anyone I've ever met. Ask me where I got that from and I couldn't tell you, I just know it wasn't my parents.
I guess I don't really have someone to relate to about this, and so it's confusing to the people I come in contact with.








I have the capacity to love hugely

The hardest thing for me to grasp this past year:

There's nothing wrong with my life. There's something wrong with me.

It's a struggle. It's basically a fucking war to come to terms with a charmed life coupled with a rotten mind. It is very rare for me to meet someone who is like me for the same reasons that I am.

I'm like me because I was born this way and because the chemicals I was given are just no good.

They're like me because their dads beat their moms and cheat and because they've seen alcoholism and have experienced abuse.

If I were an alcoholic, people would find it easier to accept my disease
If there was something wrong with my life, and not just me, people would believe me

Instead they all "call bullshit."

And I don't like to tell everyone about it so I write it on here instead, which seems strange.

I'm not feeling well at all

Things I'm thinking about

1. The dick in my apartment who I am avoiding by locking myself in my room. Like any rational adult.

2. The $100 graduation fee I need to pay

3. The $ that needs to go into my senior thesis. Basically, all of it.

4. The parking pass I need to mail to my mom. Like, yesterday.

5. That CVS called and told me my medication is no longer covered by insurance. I'm paying for this too.

6. That mental health isn't a good enough excuse to not have a part time job, and I cannot afford any of the above.

I guess you could say that maybe the only reason I show up is because I am head-over-heels for his absurdity. Showing up is essentially heading to story-time...it's always a delight to piece together where this man came from. The legacy he leaves is huge, if not well-known

Okay so sometimes I find myself in these outrageously bad moods and they kind of ruin everything so that's really terrible

Hey last night I had this really terrible dream about my parents yelling at me for no reason and telling me I wasn’t allowed to talk. I wanted to scream at them and kind of kill them because the dream was a direct reflection of my youth and now I’m 22 so it SUCKED EVEN WORSE.But I couldn’t because they told me I couldn’t talk. Anyway. Yeah.

Then I woke up crying dry tears and Josh asked what was wrong except that he was sleeping because he’s a sleepy bb.

Now I have to do a shit-ton of work for tomorrow KILL ME NOW END THIS PLEASE

Tonight Josh and I went on a bicycle ride around campus…I decided I want to get better at riding my bike. I’m only good at riding around The Village mostly, because it’s completely flat.
So yeah- practice makes perfect or somethin’
Anyway, this is something I decided LAST SUMMER when I got my current bike. But it never happened because my companion at the time liked mountain biking not road biking so I had no one to go with. I prefer to road cycle because it’s easier and also I find it attractive. I think that road bikes are sexy. I developed this love of bicycles because of Thom and other hot dudes who ride bicycles.
Anyway, we held hands while riding because WE CAN, we went up hills and then down hills and someone in a white SUV honked at us and I almost died at one point but I survived!
Then we ate sweet potato pie with Trina because we earned it and sweet potato pie isn’t even that bad for you anyway.

<3