I feel happy in that safety. It's a dangerous place to go, it could fuck everything up

Their high beams blind me
It reminds me
Just bad timing
The reason I'm alone

And you know, in grade school....when they told us to "just say no?" they never told us it would be so hard. Or that we might be tempted to say yes, even though that isn't the right answer. And feeling tempted is normal and okay. They didn't tell us we would feel humiliated when it happened, not empowered at that type of denial. They didn't say that he could make us feel like shit, even though he was "nice" about it. Or that he could so easily, cruelly, manipulate us into feeling guilty and humiliated about the whole thing. The he could so easily take our power. My power. And he isn't giving it back so now I have to start from scratch and find some. And I'm not sure at all if I can do that, or if I ever will. I'll try though, promise.



endpost.

HAHAHAHHA.
He's for real FUCK.
He.
Was so good at making himself look like the nice guy. He basically blamed everything on me. He acted like he wanted to hear what I had to say, then shot it all down. He said I should have told him. That if I thought he was trying to force me into something I had a lot to learn. That he is a nice guy and most guys would have been pissed that they weren't getting laid. But he stayed because he thought I was cool and thought cuddling was just as good. He guessed he read me wrong. He's tired of people hating him. It was a whole lot of what he had done right and what I should have done. I couldn't believe any of it was happening to me. I could not believe I had suddenly fallen prey o that type of guy.
You hear about them a lot, you know? Stories.
I've never experienced one before though. I'm scared to look over my shoulder always, because I wouldn't know what to do or if I should say hello. He deleted me on facebook.
Every guy. Every white male with the hair. Anyone I don't recognize immediately. Anyone wearing black sneakers. Those people are potential threats. A door opening and the person stepping in is not visible- threat. Accidentally catching anyone's eye because I can't help but look to see if it's going to be him- a threat. I don't want anyone approaching me. I am paranoid and I will startle more easily than before. Am I making this out to be much bigger than it actually is?? For the first time, my instincts about a guy failed me completely. I was right about not wanting to trust myself because I can't

Venus pointed out something scary today. Which was that because of that violation I might start to shy away from men.
I realized it was true. Forever fucked, a future alone. That's kind of how I envisioned it anyway, so that's fine I guess.
Shit load of homework today. My stomach is a mess, I'm tired.


Many MANY thanks to my dude friends<3







endpost.

It's heartbreaking to me that I can only handle myself and no one else. I could really be missing out, you know?


endpost.

I've been feeling very small