January and my new home, come faster!

Tonight Josh, Megan, and I are going camping. Whee!!!!

It's going to be a good week full of friends, art, and a limited amount of working :)

Being at work making less than I will soon be making is extremely frustrating, added to the fact that I have the period from fucking hell. This makes me irritable as well as bloated, which makes me feel depressed and unattractive because I'm not my usual unbloated self. It makes me tired as well as anxious, leading to a general lack of sleep and severe insomnia.

And also hungry all the time.

Leave me alone bye

Moving out is become a super exciting, super fast, super real THING in my life (our lives).

As most of you know I am now employed full-time as a store manager at Claire's Boutique. This job allows me the privilege of flying the nest. *Also, this job allows tattoos as well as up to two facial piercings and I can wear whatever I want as long as it isn't jeans-FUCKYEAH*

Anyway, Josh and I are talking more and more about what it will be like when we are living together.

We talked about beds, and the furniture our parents will let us have. Furnishing from Ikea and how we will share bookshelves. And how his desk can be a table for the front door or a desk or anything. And how there can be a place for keys.

So it's very just GREAT and I can't wait for it to happen because I know it will be good to wake up together and be able to say 'good night' instead of 'good bye.'

Hello followers,

Most of you know that I am currently interning with The Masakhane Center and am the blog manager. You should check it out, if only to read the personal experiences section of the blog.

So far, we have had 3 incredible submissions...possibly by someone you know, if you're reading this.

They all kind of make me want to cry because they are so honest, and sometimes they are so inspiring and sometimes they are so just sad.

Anyway, here is the experiences page. Do yourself a favor and check it out, you will probably learn something.

http://sexadvocate.wordpress.com/our-experiences-in-sexuality/

Being wanted is a very beautiful thing

Also I woke up screaming this morning and startled my bb sister (the birthday girl)

Ew I hate that.

Some Things

First off, I had a dream that my ex died. I've had that dream before, except then it was when we were dating and I called him and made sure he was alive.

After dating for almost 6 years it's weird to not be able to do that. Last summer we managed to be 'friends' kinda but after a series of strange events, things just didn't work out that way this time around.

The few times that we ended up at the same party, we barely said hello or looked at each other.

Last time I saw him he left the party we were at almost immediately after I showed up.

So that's awkward and just really sad and I feel guilty because that's how I am.

In happier news though, I know what I want in life- as far as friendship, companionship, love- and all of it is being fulfilled way way way beyond any expectation. The three of us have chosen Bethlehem as our location of relocation.

Also, I got called for a second interview for the store manager position at Claire's. If I get this job, all of my money issues will be resolved.

Fingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossed.

And I am happy for today at least.

endpost.

What the fuck is the big deal with this mosque?

Don't explain it- I GET IT. It's just that it's so incredibly fucking dumb that it is BLOWING MY MIND.

Yesterday at karaoke we had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to the song below. Some huge dude at the bar unplugged the mic and took it from the guy singing, but it was toward the end of the song so we heard most of it.

I shook that man's hand because it was nice to know that ours wasn't the only table in the entire bar who was disgusted with that 'song.' His response was about the guy singing (who LOVED karaoke btw), saying 'This was one of his better songs.' THAT totally blows my mind.

Anyway, Niki approached the DJ guy and told him that song was extremely offensive and HIS advice for us was to leave. Which we did, and then he apologized to us through our male friend after we had left. Too little too late dude, I'm calling the owner.

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert that night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love. It had been a
while. In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10. I had picked up this
hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops. Well, that night I lost myself
to ruby red lips, milky white skin and baby blue eyes. Name was Russell.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave", this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', ‘cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer." Well she smiled,
had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern, and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask as I do my little kooky dance. And
then she told me to shush. I guess she could sense my desperation. ‘Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true. So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is jackhammering
Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on
Santa Claus's tummy-tum?" Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer. Heh. That rhymes. I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby
formula.

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin and slid on into The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the
one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Who knew that interviewing for full-time store manager positions could be so stressful?

Yesterday I interviewed at Claire's. The most stressful part is that I want the job but there's always the chance that I just WON'T GET IT.

Today I am interviewing at Osh Kosh B'Gosh. At first I didn't really care about it because come on it's baby clothes- we all know my feelings on children. But then I started thinking that I might not get the job at Claire's and then I might not get the job here either and then I'm like fucked and I'll cry about it and stuff and want to give up even though it's only two interviews holy shit I am FREAKING OUT bye

This week's mood = total party pooper. Yay!

get out of my room get out of my room get out of my room

As far as family goes... this weekend was... really fucking good

My dad took the time to talk with me one on one about life and moving out and things I felt unhappy about. It was amazing to open up to a member of my family about how frustrating and miserable this household can be. He also gave me some pretty solid advice from his own experience of moving out, which lead me to decide that I need to have a full-time job with benefits before I can move out. I keep saying I want to get out the right way so I never have to come back and I think that might be the only way. EXCITING, scary, exhausting.

Also, my younger sister talked to me for almost two hours one night about whatever. It was really nice and only got cut off because I needed to sleep. She talked about movies she'd seen and silly experiences she'd had with friends and we planned things she could do for her upcoming birthday. We were talking like we were friends, that felt amazing coming from her.

And Heather helped me print my resumes in an emergency by calling her boyfriend and driving me to his house to use his printer.

And my mom bought me lemons because she noticed that I'd been using the lemon juice from the fridge and she knows that actual lemons in water are way better. She even gave me tips on how to get the most juice from them (microwave for 10-seconds, then roll). Weirdly, this small display of affection might mean the most to me- if you've ever met my mom you'd understand why I'm saying this.

So as far as family goes, things felt really nice and so much less stifling here this weekend. It feels good to know these people care about me, at least sometimes. For now.

ALSO, I have an interview with Claire's and OshKoshB'Gosh for store manager positions.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

endpost.

endpost.

I've been applying for full-time jobs all morning and all last night. Unfortunately that only adds up to 5 because I played Family Feud and Bejewled Blitz and was also on Tumblr during the application process.

Anyway...so that's 5 full time jobs I've applied for which is WEIRD and exciting for now until no one calls and I cry in mah pillow e'ry nightttt.

Also I am off to apply for full-time job 6 at Claire's. This is the position I am hoping for most because it's a basic retail manager position in the mall where I already work (no commute). Also it's Claire's so I wouldn't buy anything or be afraid of fucking up too much.

All of this because my dad and I had a really serious really good conversation and I've decided I need a stable income (A FULL-TIME JOB) before I can move out of this house.

Someone hire me.

Fuck Peace, Eat Pizza - jk

Alright but really my perfect world doesn't include ~peace

In a perfect world, pizza would be good for me. It would be SO good for me in fact that it would tone every untoned muscle and make my layers grow long and full and wavyyyywavywavy.

In a perfect world, pizza would solve every problem!

Plain slice, please

PS- Also in a perfect world, these guys would get along. I love 'em both

Bang-growing is a serious business and it happens to be awful.

OMG OMG I am FREAKING OUT little kids aren't supposed to go down that path no no no that is bad this is bad

I absolutely can hold out for the holiday season to get more hours at my current job. I absolutely can wait a few months to leave this place. I'll just be really quiet while I'm here.

hahahha

Then by the time I'm ready to leave I will have student loan$ to pay back wooowooowwoowowjoejwojw

*note: cats + diet soda = luh uh mah lyfe

although I do prefer Pepsi products

endpost.

It's going to work out eventually. It has before, it will again. Unfortunately, nothing can guarantee that I will remain a lucid human being.

Also in moments of clarity I still hate my family.

...

Coping mechanisms!

Fuck family. Fuck this life.

I need help and I'm sick of knowing that and looking for it. I thought I was done with this shit so long ago. Being here has destroyed everything I worked for before.

Venus told me that maybe things with my mom would get better. My parents woke up to my existence for the few months when things were bad and looking dreary.

Things with my mom suck, things with everyone suck. I don't understand these people and they spurn anything that's different from them.

Family isn't first here, it's fitting in that counts. Crying is the only release I have and there is an endless amount of that. I always wake up with a swollen face, I don't even look like me sometimes- which is fine I guess, because in those moments I don't feel like me either.

It's like something inside is beating so violently to get out. It manifests in anger and sadness and something endless and bad. It's a physical pain. I want to scream but I won't.

Sometimes I just wish that everyone could know exactly how miserable I am. And I would know exactly how miserable they are. And then we'd all fucking get it.

So. Today I came to the realization that the people I share a roof with are assholes over 50% of the time.

More often than not they are disrespecting my political values, questioning my aspirations, or just pissing me off.

This means some drastic changes in behavior toward every one of them.

Ideally, any form of communication will be kept to email or text only...email is my dad's preferred way of communication anyway, because when he tries doing things like a regular human being (face to face) it usually ends with him being a huge freak and making everyone cry.

To clear things up a bit, right now my older sister is the main culprit because she was rude to my guest for absolutely no reason and when I asked her about it she didn't deny or apologize for what she had done. That is, turn on the television in our family room when someone was SLEEPING IN THERE.

'I know. People live here. What do you want me to do about it.'

Fucking fucker. Are you really 24 with no aspirations of moving out of this place? Big surprise.

Nothing upsets my family more than when they are rude and plain out mean and get nothing in response. In school we're taught not to bother with people who don't treat us properly. Unfortunately, that happens to be these people.

I hope they hate me and that way they will leave me alone.

Maybe one day my mom will realize I'm not intentionally trying to piss her off, she's just a grade-A asshole and EVERYTHING pisses her off.

I hate this place. These people are the worst.

I'm going to go cry in my car now and then go to work. Don't worry I'm armed with extra eyeliner

A year ago today I was writing about a lost 'friend' who was such a super asshole to Niki and I was raging about it in my diary. I love having a best friend, because best friends get angry or upset or sad on each other's behalf.

That was an awful year for friends.

ALRIGHT. So I have a Tumblr but I don't want to scare all my followers away by constantly posting pictures of cats.

MY SOLUTION is that I'm just going to put them on here wheeeehehehehe!!!!

More than marriage, I look forward to one day owning a cat with my life partner.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT. LOOK AT THOSE TOOTSIES AND THE EYES MMMMMMMKOOOKOOOOOOCUUUUTE

Lately I've been obsessing over MARRIAGE and no not because I feel like getting married right this second. Just because it came up at Alyssa's house and Stephen was totally surprised that I would ever want to be married.

I explained to him that I hate that marriage is still such an exclusive thing, plus I feel like so many people get married because they feel backed into doing it. Marriage isn't a rite of passage that we all *basically* need to go through (like graduating high school). So whatever. It would be nice to have a 'husband' some day.

Anyway, I was just looking at my cousin's wedding photos and I was thinking that if I ever did get married I have absolutely no idea how I would want the wedding to be. I don't want to just go to the municipal court and get it done, but that seems like a more reasonable option than having a huge wedding that I don't want *complete with the creme puff dress and blah blah bullshit.

It's confusing. I think my mom will try to coerce me into doing what is the most traditional. Which, fuck you mom.

Actually, I know she will because she's already tried "If you don't have a wedding you won't get gifts." What a weird threat...

Who says I even want house warming gifts from a family who I love but who doesn't really bother with any of my political beliefs? Which, these beliefs dictate so much of the lifestyle I try to lead.

When I try to imagine a wedding that I plan myself I have to grimace at what my nuclear and extended would think of it. Being guilt-free is the most difficult when you are raised Catholic (ew ew ew ew).

I'm sick of sleeping alone.

Tonight we were all going to camp and it was going to be super fun and Niki was finally going to meet Megan and SOMEHOW IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. EVEN THOUGH we drove the 30 minutes *which turned into 2 fucking hours.

Looked forward to fun and photos and waking up in the arm's of the dude I'm in love with. Or with him in my arms, whatever.

Major fucking bummer, major fucking let down.

The night is a bust and I'm freaking out about it forever.

PS-It ended with Niki running a stop sign and not knowing she did until we talked about it 10 minutes later and she thought I was laughing at my neighbors in PJs cleaning their yard appliances <---DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE NIKI.

hahhahahahah. I hate those guys. I hate this night.

:(

And obviously none of this has anything to do with camping.

I'm panicking recently because I have no future. I know what I want but nothing is set in stone. And I'm sick of living far from Paul. I want the ability to wake him up if I need an emergency ride somewhere/if he's running late. I miss it

Secret word

Weird secret, scary secret

It hit me with the force of a lifetime that I wish it would pertain to

Unbidden, with too many 'maybes' 'I hopes' 'I thinks' - let downs

An unsure feeling of absolute certainty, unreciprocated, not talked about

For fear that it will be ruined

I keep it a sad secret because it's too good to be spoiled just yet

With the fear of maybes, lack of hope, too many thoughts, and the refusal to grant a wished for promise

because of rational thoughts

Beaten down by logic

I want it safe and I want it ours but it will stay mine

Here are some goals:

1. I'm going to paint. I don't care how often, or when, or how much. But I need to do something to get out the bad thoughts. When I was having a really hard time with my existence last summer, I finally learned the meaning of art as therapy by experiencing it. Whatever if that sounds stupid, self-safety comes first.

2. Move out by next summer. Talked about this with Niki today. "I want to be moved out by next summer." "Yeah."

3. More sleep.

I got 4 hours of sleep but I'm too awake to nap. Imma die at work tonight probably. Whatevah.

I HATE living at home. Living at home means that people take MY fucking clothing that I paid for and do what they want with it. Including put it in other people's drawers. WHAT THE FUCK. I CAN'T EVEN TAKE IT. What is with the people here? Why would anyone assume that random clothing that mysteriously appears on their bed automatically belongs to them????

Not even laundry is sacred anymore! AND I HATE EVERYTHING.

The loss of freedom that comes with living here makes me irrationally angry, irrationally unhappy, and generally a freak.

I am so tired that I forgot about the last post I wrote like 20 minutes ago. Whatevah

Eyes are heavy

arms in pain

Can't help but wonder

why

I

am

on

da

interwebs

The last two days have been like the ideal weekend *inthemiddleoftheweek surrounded by the people and activities I love.

Yesterday morning Josh and I rode to the bank and for bagels where we met Niki. This morning we did it again except we rode with Heather and Dan. Woohoo biking/breakfastbagel double date!

Also yesterday we did NOT tube down the Delaware as planned *because of a bad forecast but that forecast ended up being a TOTAL LIE so we got to swim later. And watch 30 Rock and Brick and lay in bed and snuggle and just be around each other.

So that's always a good thing.

endpost.

Ideal summer day

Even our stomachs are in sync

Let's ride bikes more

The past 3 days have been full of comfortable bike rides and amazing talks.

Next week, I may be attempting a 25-mile *orless ride to a campsite to sleep for a night. THAT would be uh-huh-mazing.

Megan and Josh are currently planning for a cross country bike trip. I want to be able to ride cross country. Even if I don't go, I want to know that I am capable. I'm starting now. I want to be able to keep up with anyone on anything. Mindset mindset, I have a goal.

Today we went to Ramapo, it was weird and surreal. Great to see Z and Arlene. Bad to go back to this place that I reside in that isn't home anymore.

Tomorrow is a small ride around town! Up for breakfast and meeting Niki at the Bagel Shack. Then to any pharmacy that carries wart remover! Sorry Josh!

endpost.

Lately when I've gone to update this, I feel like I have no emotions to speak of.

I think that's weird.

We're told constantly that we are never to test G(g)od's existence. What gives anyone the right to test our strength?

What god.

Good things should happen to good people and fuck the rest.

And Josh, you aren't even just good you are great.