I've found love but I feel like I am disintegrating from the brain down. It's hard to draw breath, I don't see the point in anything.

I see the point in love.

Maybe I did it because I knew it would help me to feel nothing afterward. The racing thoughts just need an outlet sometimes. What can I do to fix it? I'm afraid to tell my parents or anyone who has the power to put me away again. I cannot go through that loss of freedom. I cannot admit that there is so much wrong with me that not once, but twice, I need to be removed from reality.
I cannot leave reality again because it was so hard last time to come back. What if doing it again serves no purpose but to ruin me completely?
All I can think to say to anybody is "help," but that's an awfully big favor when I don't really want any because I don't know what I really want at all.
There is no glory in this